How can I help my four year old adjust to separation?

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from ExH about 6 weeks ago now. It was fairly amicable and we are doing our best for our 4yo DD, but she is struggling.

Any advice on how to support her through it? At the moment we do 2-2-3, swapping weekends. She is definitely lashing out, we’ve tried sitting down and explaining in simple terms, but is it just a case of time heals?

He is staying with his mum and has no plans to move out anywhere so she loves staying at nana’s, gets very spoiled, late nights etc and then tells me she doesn’t want to stay with me because it’s not fun. I’m not really sure how to fix that.. just feeling a bit exhausted and trying not to damage her in the process.

Any positive stories from this age?

I wouldn’t agree that kind of schedule at her age - would you want to move homes / beds etc every couple of days at your age let alone hers?

To be honest, I think the 2-2-3 is just too much and she is not getting time in one place to establish a proper routine. No wonder she is struggling. Plus when she stays at nannys she needs to try and have the same routine she does when she is with you. Sounds very difficult for a 4 year old, she needs more consistency and less being shunted about.

At age 4 it should be an evening a week for tea and then every other weekend. She’ll Shortly be starting school and constant moving homes is incredibly disruptive physically and emotionally

I think try to keep routines consistent. My view is one primary home is better, but I know this isn’t popular. DC this age was 2 nights a week with ex/ 1 day at weekend. I think they need a base. At all ages personally.

Ignore any I’d rather be at x place - it changes and comes and goes. Try for lots of 1-1 time. Be patient - it will take time. She’ll be ok x

That routine screams :what's best for the adults?' and not what's best for the child.

She needs routine and consistency. If she's spent the first fours year of her life living in one stable home then of course she's upset and unsettled being shunted backwards and forwards every second day.

The ideal scenario for her is that she stays in one place and you and ex-H shuffle in and out. Are you amicable enough to make that work? Either way keep the days and routine consistent, one of you do Sunday to Wednesday and the other one Wednesday to Saturday.

I can’t imagine how that routine is benefiting her at all.

I don't think this is reasonable in terms of her having an equal relationship with her dad, it's not enough time with him and a court wouldn't agree this in this day and age either.

I agree the existing contact schedule is a nightmare though. I couldn't keep track of that never mind her. If you have agreed on 50/50 then it should be either week on/week off (possibly with tea at the other parent one evening) or 3-4-4-3.

Thank you everyone - it was initiated by me, and ExH left and refuses to come back into the house so that definitely wouldn’t work. He currently lives 40 minutes away, and we drop off/pick up from childcare respectively so don’t actually see each other apart from weekend handovers.

We’re doing 2-2-3 as he is refusing to be away from her for more than that at the moment and wants exactly 50/50. But he works every other weekend so can only have her every other - it’s honestly giving me a headache trying to keep track too.

I just want what’s best for her so happy to take suggestions I may not have thought of.

Ignore people slating the routine out of principal, it may need to change but I would think carefully before doing that.

FWIW my step children have a mother who is no rules Disney mom with grandparents assisting with endless sweets and treats, the youngest of them was 3 when all this began, they have tried 50:50 routines of:

7:7 (for a few months, definitely wasn’t working)
2:2:3 (for two years, was determined by their mom and not ideal in some ways as clubs etc. couldn’t be organised, but did mean they never went too long without seeing either parent and that was the right thing at those ages)
2:2:5:5 (current routine and has been this way for 3 years, it mostly works well and eldest teen is 15 and only just started asking for more flexibility).

nothing is ideal for kids in a separation and being faced with a Disney home as your counter is extremely difficult. Your EXDP isn’t helping by spoiling her but you can’t do anything other than try to keep to routine at your house, handover days are always difficult when switching from a Disney home to a normal one (trust me I’m speaking from experience) so a routine of how you switch is often good (simple things for us like come in and have an ice pop or go play football together so they can burn off some energy and settle). School handovers definitely make it easier for the kids to switch home styles as they have the school day to get used to not being in Disney mode, but you’re in the midst of holidays so it will be at its worst.

@usererror99 thete is no ‘should’ at all and if you were the one who had the even g and eow would you be happy with that ? Thought not

it’s early days and adjusting and period if settlement is to be expected. The schedule may be too much and need to change to more of a week on / of other pattern or it may be ok given a few more weeks /months

in
the meantime just give reassurance that she’s loved, and allow her to express her feelings whatever they are without getting told off /upset etc

I am not separated but I have lots of friends who are and those that do 50/50 hate it because their children are so unsettled. I think in a lot of cases 50/50 is for the parents not the child. My parents were separated and I cannot fathom being moved around every couple of days, how unsettling!

Conversely my friends do 50:50 and children have settled and years later say they were thankful of it.

depends on child, parents, parents relationship, how close they live , flexibility any many other things

If you have a complex schedule, make a visual timetable of the week (or month) and place it where your child can see and talk about it. Talk over the day. “Monday and Tuesday with dad,Wednesday you come home to me. How many sleeps? Two sleeps! What shall we do on Wednesday? Shall we have chips for tea?” Etc. Help her learn to anticipate what is coming up and that will help her adjust.

PP saying 50/50 is not good for the child…this is what courts are insisting on now (it has changed in the last few years) so there’s no point lambasting OP for it.
We do 2:2:5:5 & it’s not too bad. The handovers happen at school ie one parent drops off & the other picks up which avoids having to go from one parent to another. It’s much harder in the holidays when there’s no way round this.
I find the main thing that helps is some calm quiet time to reconnect each time. Maybe try a small reconnection ritual like sitting down with a hot chocolate. We always do lots of talking when we reconnect.
Good luck OP. It’s not easy.

Use a colour coded calendar on the fridge so dd knows where she is every day.

You could try 5:5:2:2:5:5:2:2 pattern

So dad has overnights every M &T
You have every W&Th
Alternating weekends

So let’s assume he is working this weekend, you’d have overnight W, Th, F, S, Su and drop at preschool Mon.

He then has M, Tu overnight and drops off at preschool W.

You then have W, Th overnight and drop off preschool F. Then he has 5 overnights F, S, Su, M, Tu and then you’re back to the beginning.

It will be harder to Disney-fy five consecutive nights?