Married 13 years, together since we were young (me 21, him 25). Two DC late primary school age.
On paper, life is good. Lovely house, manageable mortgage and expenses, two good salaries. Long but flexible working hours meaning we can do a few school pick ups, drop offs, after school activities and we have some family help.
I have tried for so long to accept H for who he is. He has ADHD and likely ASD. He isn’t selfish in the sense that he does 50% of the visible household and childcare work. He does 0% of the mental load, he has never once planned a holiday, a day out (unless it’s a day when I’m working or busy so he takes DC out alone), a social event, a play date for a child…he has few friends and is content that way. I feel he is passionless and passive but also joyless - we used to have a laugh together, he is now grumpy, obsessed with order at home, snaps at elder DC daily. He is a hands on dad in that he will take them to school, make meals, spends time with us on family day outs that I arrange. But he is never the fun dad having a kick about with them (both boys), playing with them in the pool. Every bad behaviour is met with discipline, no playfulness. Both DC are ND and hard work, they are feral and I hate the dysfunctional family we must seem.
On top of that, he snaps at me too. It’s little things and then they escalate because I cannot cope with his overreactions. He doesn’t shout and scream but he cannot take a simple question or anything perceived as even a slight criticism (eg almost reversed into a car yesterday, he was talking about something unrelated and I cut across with “WATCH OUT” - I was reprimanded for cutting across him “so rudely” even though it was an emergency. For context only 10 minutes ago he had almost hit pedestrians on a zebra crossing and only because I’d urged him to stop did he even notice them, so this isn’t a case of me being a horrendous backseat driver (I’m sure I can be, though). Similarly I’m a light sleeper, he gets up every night and goes to the toilet but it seems to take him ages, often wandering off. I ask what he’s doing and he’ll snap “why are you asking, why the scrutiny” etc in the middle of the night, leaving me wide awake and stressed.
I feel our DC will be better off with us separated as we argue all the time. And in front of them. Never shouting and screaming but constant bickering over nothing - as above - his overreactions to the slightest thing.
Don’t know why I’m posting, I know there’s no coming back from this (we’ve had many conversations where he has promised to change but says I have to “play my part” too, yet I never start any of these rows - I just cannot cope with being snapped at).
I am devastated at the idea of breaking up our family unit.