Struggling to move on a year after sudden separation

[TheKookyUser]

My first time sharing on here but have found other people's stories and comments so helpful over the past 12 months so I thought I would reach out to hopefully get a bit of perspective because i feel like i'm going mad!
Married for 25 years until last year when my then husband went quiet on me. He eventually said he was desperately unhappy and needed to leave. Unexpected and sudden to say the least. He wouldn't try anything to save the marriage as he said it was too late. I was mortified. 3 months later, he left me and our teenage children. He applied for divorce very soon after and pushed to get the house sold. New partner in place soon after that.
One year on and I feel utterly stuck. I wish I could switch my brain off from the overthinking. I feel terrible about my situation, still feeling very lost and lonely. I did think I was starting to feel better but this never sticks and the past 3 weeks have been horrible. Confidence and self-esteem are at an all-time low.

That sounds very difficult, what are you doing in practical terms to move on have you considered counselling?

Thanks. I have had some counselling and I did feel a bit better temporarily. But like I said, any improvement in my mental state just doesn't stick. I thought by now that I would be feeling more positive. I'm being healthy, seeing friends, working and having a social life but any time on my own is completely dominated by my over-thinking. I even sometimes still feel the sense of shock I had last year.

Be kind to yourself darling. You are suffering grief from the loss of your marriage. It sounds so trite but there is no time limit. Take it day by day for as long as it takes. One day you will be over it, but no one can say when that day will be. Big hugs xxxx

I think what you're feeling is completely understandable and normal in the circumstances. After 25 years of marriage, to have such a sudden ending is bound to leave you reeling and in shock. Be kind to yourself and give yourself much more time. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, keeping busy and seeing friends etc.

Maybe now is the time to take up some new hobbies and set yourself a goal like running a 10k or doing a tough mudder/walk for charity. It would give you a focus and it's a great distraction.

It's ok to still be processing emotions and it's normal that when you're tired/it's quiet at the end of the day/there's no distractions that those emotions can take you over. Just remember how far you've come and remind yourself this journey isn't over and you will keep moving forward. Give yourself the pep talks that you'd give your best friend. One day you will wake up and realise it doesn't hurt any more. You will get there 💐

Thank you for your kindness. I am trying to remember that the process takes time and to 'be kind to myself'. I was totally unprepared for the timescale of recovery and how bad the set-backs can be. I honestly feel worse this week than I think I did when he left. Maybe being in survival mode numbs you a bit. It's all utterly confusing. Feels like a bit of a 'half-life'. Seeing my friends continue with their 'normal' family lives can be hard too. I love them and wish them happiness but i'm so envious!

Hi OP. My marriage came to a sudden end, he literally went out on an errand and didn’t come back. Refused to talk about it. I was left with a young child and it was very traumatic.
What helped me was to “change the channel” in my mind whenever I would start to brood. I listened to Heart radio which always has jolly tunes on and that also helped me to stop the descent into brooding and bitterness.
Gradually I forged my new life. 12 months is nothing I’m afraid, so you will have to be kind to yourself, take up new opportunities as they arise and work towards building a good life.

I'm just a few months ahead of you. I think the first 12 months is survival, you need to restructure your life, sort finances, deal with legals, deal with the fall out with the kids. (I also have teens, they've had many questions and many emotions, its hard). If you're lucky friends rally around and you start to recover from the shock. Then I think there's a period where "normal" comes back for everyone else, and thats when a wave of grief can hit. Hopefully your teens have bounced back, friends see you doing well, there's someone else in the social group who faced challenges, you've settled into the new home/new life/new routines. Everyone thinks you're doing "so well" - but actually you are still dealing with the impact of it all and the grief which leads to overthinking.

I am also trying to get better at "changing the channel" - I set up a note on my phone, the thought goes there and then I force myself to stop thinking about it. I've found it often helps to do something physical, find myself overthinking, I get up move about even if to move from one chair, or go tothe bathroom, make a tea. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but more and more its working for me. Like a grief I dont think you'll ever get to a point where you can clear it from your mind completely and things will keep triggering it like seeing couples doing normal things together. But I do believe these thoughts can become passing not festering.

'Changing the channel' sounds like a good plan. Thank you both. Takes some practise I'm guessing! I hope you are both on the road to recovery.
You are exactly right SoloFlying in that I seem to be having a second wave of what I consider to be profound pain and deep sadness at the point at which I hoped to be moving forward. You're right too that it really does feel like people are expecting me now to be 'ok'. I thought it was possibly something to do with having to accept the new reality of life as it is now. Which is very difficult. We had what I thought was a happy family life so life now by comparison is nothing like what I hoped for.
I really had no idea of what people went through before this happened to me. The emotional and mental fall-out is all-consuming and at times, is physically painful. Never experienced anything like it.

I'm so sorry to hear about this.
I think your feelings are completely normal and you will have periods where you feel better and then go back down and feel bad for awhile. There is certainly a pattern and I found doing new things is not only challenging but also healing. Something about taking yourself out of your comfort zone that tests you
I’m over four years from the breakdown of my near 30 year relationship. Honestly, it does get better and it feels like a bit of a cycle although you get used to the feeling and if you can somehow tell yourself that it’s completely understandable and acceptable to feel sad and to struggle after such a shock - that’s definitely part of the way forward. I think if you’re telling yourself that you’re weak or you should be better by now etc you’ll end up beating yourself up. If you think about it it’s such a short time.
You will get there.