Effects on child after Dad moving out.

[Smudgepot]

So a couple of weeks ago my partner and I seperated - im not delving into the many reasons why but we share a Daughter - shes 9, I did explain to her as to why we split up at her level of understanding without painting a bad picture of her father and she said it made her feel sad but she gets why...we have agreed on that he has her the days i work and shes home when im not (i work 3x 13 hour shifts a week) which is also alternate weekends- we wanted to keep things as normal and balanced for her as possible, she is such a loving funny crazy unique bubbly awesome character but has been really down since we split up (understandable) ... she seems to be wanting to go to dads alllll the time and i have to admit it bothers me, i have not expressed this to our littlw girl i dont want to 'guilt' her into wanting to be here but its getting to me - i dont want to tear him apart as he does love the bones off our child but hes not very good at the adult side of parenting and prioritising, a very laid back - "anything for a quiet life" kind of dad - he sits gaming all day when he isnt working, quite lazy in general tbh- and feels to me like hes 'buying' her love keeps ordering her stuff and getting her frequent gifts etc yet he hasnt bought her the essentials she needs when she stays there i have to keep sending stuff with her - i absolutely refuse to change my parenting methods im not strict or uptight but i do have boundaries and im keeping everything the same as it was - seeing my girl so upset when shes home is breaking my heart, i know she loves me but im guessing she feels torn, but i have said any time she is missing daddy while she is at home she can tell me and give him a call etc i dont want to restrict her from her dad but i want her to want to be home too and be happy while shes here - i dont know what to do or say to her, is it just a phase? Is she loving all the 'gifts ' amd freewill daddy is getting her ... do i just ride it out? ... im lost so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Let her go to her dads
why can’t she ?

I do let her go to her dads im not one of 'those' women, thats no what im asking advice ont

This is a brief AI generated summary of 'parental alignment'...

"When parents divorce, children often experience a psychological phenomenon known as parental alignment or the "underdog effect." Children frequently side with the parent they perceive as more vulnerable, aggrieved, or weaker. This behavior is usually unconscious and serves as an emotional survival mechanism. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Here is a breakdown of why this happens, how it manifests, and the long-term impact.

Why Children Align with the "Weaker" Parent

• Empathy and Protection: Children possess natural empathy and feel an instinctual urge to protect a parent who seems sad, lonely, or financially disadvantaged. 1, 2]
• Guilt Mitigation: A child may feel guilty for moving on or enjoying time with the stronger parent, leading them to overcompensate by supporting the distressed parent. 1, 2, 3]
• Fear of Abandonment: If one parent seems fragile or unstable, the child may fear that this parent will completely fall apart or abandon them if not constantly supported. 1]
• Resolution of Loyalty Conflicts: Being caught in the middle creates intense psychological tension. Siding with one parent resolves this internal conflict by choosing a clear "side." 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Common Ways This Support Manifests
[.....]
Refusing Visitation: The child may resist spending time with the stronger, more stable parent out of a sense of duty to stay and protect the fragile parent. 1, 2]"

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It's understandable that you're feeling a bit jealous @Smudgepot but don't mistake her need for being with her Dad as a rejection of you. It's just how she feels at this moment, it's very early days.

Just love her as you've always done, support this phase, as you've said, she doesn't understand the intricacies of the relationship with your partner and why you needed him to leave.

You don’t have to change your boundaries and parenting but can’t control his.
currently you’re dictating access to suit your work pattern which makes it easy for you . Why not do 50:50?

shes navigating her parents split. If she wants more time with dad you should try to facilitate it. Keep lines of communication open with her , allow her feelings, and if she really wants to be at dads you should think about changing the access pattern