Please be gentle; this is my first ever Mumsnet post. Sorry, it's a long post.
Earlier this year, I discovered that my husband had lied about working for nearly ten months. For years, I had asked to see our family finances, but he always had an excuse - usually that I was too busy. It seems if someone does not want to show you something, no amount of reasoning will change their mind. He had actually been made redundant two and a half years earlier, inheriting money at the same time. Despite our mortgage and our primary school-aged children, he refused to look for work for a year. Unwilling to reduce his status from his former corporate level and six-figure salary, when he then couldn’t find a job, he constructed a fictional one - even creating a fake LinkedIn profile to maintain his lie.
For years, perhaps our entire relationship, I have suffered from anxiety, waking up many nights at 3:00 AM panicking. Whenever I challenged him, he would instantly turn himself into the victim, stonewall, walk away, or blame me. I now realise he has constantly lied to me. When our first child was born, he made me pay for everything on his credit card and wouldn’t show me his bank accounts. I had no idea how much was coming in, as he wouldn’t tell me. I had a breakdown over it last summer. When I said I was trapped and scared about not seeing the finances, he just looked at me calmly with a sad face.
The night before I found out the truth about his job, I woke up panicking again and questioned him about the finances. The next morning, I discovered he had lost his fictional job in November but was too scared to tell me. He claimed the company simply owed him money and that he had to travel to London for a meeting to secure payment. Two days later, when I pushed for more information, he laughed like a naughty boy and admitted the job didn't exist at all. Over the following weeks, the truth trickled out mixed with lies, and I still don't know the full extent of it.
He used my children’s £80,000 inheritance along with the money my parents had gifted them (I have a copy of the will and he is executor). He even bought a secondhand car on hire purchase right before our mortgage fell into arrears. I only discovered we were two months behind on the house payments after I had kicked him out and a warning letter arrived in the mail. It is devastating to look back on. Especially after I paid the 22% deposit on the house through my hard work while he paid absolutely nothing. I gave up my career for this family, and I begged him for the time to be able to work. I wanted to work.
When my first child was born, he had bathroom fitters working in our house on my first Mother’s Day. Most Mother’s Days and birthdays have been ruined. He also quit his job to go contracting when our first child was 5.5 months old, and then he couldn’t get work for 7 months, leaving us in a financial mess that I was never shown. After my second child was born via a C-section, he started leaving the food shopping on the countertop for me to put away.
After my youngest started preschool, I tried to earn a living myself but was failing to complete my work to generate an income. I was always exhaustingly tired and confused. He would constantly disrupt my day with toxic drama, inviting people into our world who caused issues and leaving me to pick up the pieces. When he was made redundant, he did barely anything in the house or for the children at a time I thought my career could take off again. He sulked because I didn’t want to interrupt my day for s3x, and my workday was forced to stop at 14:50 to pick up the kids.
I began to realise that basic domestic discussions became circular arguments, with everything framed as my fault. He was, and is, completely passive, refusing to do anything, then accusing me of nagging him. For over five years, I asked for help with family meals and even set reminders to plan meals together, but he refused. In his mind, the money he earned exempted him from any domestic responsibilities. When my child was very poorly as a toddler, for about a year, I was so stressed and lost so much weight I now have a ‘floating kidney’. He never once tried to make food for me to help me regain an appetite. I look back on that time, and I wonder how he could have remained so calm.
He has shown absolutely no remorse, shame, or empathy towards his children. He has now been out of work for three years and refuses to help clear up the financial mess he made, leaving me with the entire burden. He now lives with a near-stranger whose wife also left him, and they are currently enabling each other.
To survive, I applied for Universal Credit. It took over 3 months to get it sorted. At first, I used my small emergency savings to pay the mortgage, though I couldn't cover the arrears. Once my savings were drained and Universal Credit temporarily froze my account due to the rapidly depleting funds, he suddenly started paying the mortgage again. Because he is over 55, I believe he is draining his pension to do this.
My physical freedom is heavily restricted; I can only leave the house for up to six hours because I have full responsibility for the children and our dog and a financial mess. I feel ostracised and trapped, unable to go out in the evening or exercise. While my oldest child is flexible, my youngest is rigid, becoming easily dysregulated and lashing out under the stress of this year. I could technically ask my ex to babysit, but the last time I let him into the house, he went through my personal belongings. Furthermore, I struggle to be near him; my body instantly goes into fight or flight mode.
I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of admin. I’ve spent weeks going round in circles dealing with Universal Credit, legal aid, and a school issue where the school breached my privacy and told him what I had disclosed (I’d asked the school to write a letter to help me get support for my situation). This made him retaliate. I had support from a domestic violence charity, but they treat this as a standard toxic relationship rather than abuse, as he has paid the arrears off and started paying the mortgage again, despite not working. I had an advocate to help me, but I’ve still had to do it all myself, so I’m not sure what they actually provide - maybe just support for people who have been physically harmed? Even MASH, while concerned about an escalation, told me I shouldn't have shared my personal information with the school.
I can fully understand why this level of entrapment drives people into dark thoughts, because my mind keeps going there. I also feel like I need to try harder and I shouldn’t complain.
I am scared because he is highly egotistical, image-focused, and a compulsive liar. His entire life is a performance, and the image of the successful businessman and perfect father is shattering around him. He resents and hates me for exposing him, and he has turned into a completely different person. He is now actively trying to frame me as the abuser, cowering in the car whenever he collects the children to make himself look like the victim. None of the standard professionals I speak to can see the risk.
It’s hard to describe, but whilst I was living in this, I couldn’t see any of it. He is always so calm and nice. Each minor incident got forgotten. It was only after he left and the panic attacks stopped that I started looking at our relationship. I will never trust calm and nice again.
Has anyone been through anything like this?
-Divorce has been applied for. Has anyone navigated a divorce with equity in the house but no income, without letting the Legal Aid Statutory Charge swallow all their future money? Are there specific solicitors who specialise in handling 'Form E' financial disclosure for a spouse who hid an executive job loss for nearly a year and stole an inheritance? So far, I've done the paperwork myself.
- Our dog. I’ve thought about asking some local teenagers to check up on him when I need to go out for more than 6 hours and paying them £10. Has anyone successfully used local teenager networks or free community pet-sharing apps (like BorrowMyDoggy)?
-Socialising feels impossible. My current option is to drop the children at my mum's house, but the four journeys required would cost £40 in petrol, which I simply do not have. Any suggestions?
-I am moving all the bills over from the joint account to my account. I'll double-check whether the mortgage goes through at the beginning of Aug, and then move to interest only for 6 months. He refuses to discuss finances.