Conflicted about dating again after leaving an abusive marriage

[Thisisnobridgetjones]

I’m over a year into a messy divorce, STBXH is still very angry that I plucked up the courage to leave our abusive marriage of 10 years. I don’t have any feelings towards him and I want to move on.

I just feel very conflicted between wanting to feel attractive and date (I miss DTD), and not wanting a man near me ever again.

anyone else had this? did you manage to move on? how long did it b take?

I am coming up on three years and have been pretty adamant that I would never date again. I am only 39 🙈. However, my ex's reactions and our co-parenting journey has eased since February this year and I have found myself thinking about dating again this summer. I have spent a lot of time trying to heal and understand myself, so I think that work helps. I have recently downloaded a couple of apps, but haven't quite plucked up the courage to sign up. I would say don't put pressure on yourself - it still sounds quite volatile, and only dip your toe back in when you feel truly ready.

Thank you, I’m also only in my thirties.

I have had children so my boobs and tummy are not what they once were lol so not only am I struggling with the thought of someone being near me, I imagine they might struggle with the thought of me being near them!

I am 35. Have a fwb. Single nearly 8 years. Was desperate to date after about a year. Did for a bit. Then stopped and now cannot think of anything worse. I got hobbies, threw myself into being an incredible mum. Absolutely won't date again until my son is much older. I love it this way. I am only one person but maybe give it some time. Get a decent hobby so you might meet someone with similar interests. Who knows what will happen.

I understand where you’re coming from, especially after leaving an abusive relationship which can make for a very nasty divorce and transition to co-parenting - it’s nice to feel normal and attractive again/

A word of caution (which I should’ve listened to) - make sure you know what red flags to look out for and are strong enough to enforce your boundaries. Some men have a great ability to sniff out vulnerabilities, and it’s easy to get into another poor relationship when our benchmark is very low. Anyone who’s not as bad is better than the ex, but they can be emotionally abusive or mentally abusive and we don’t see it as easily as people who’ve not been around abuse. I didn’t really know what a good relationship should look and feel like.

I absolutely do not say this to be all doom and gloom, or to put you off, but just as a word of caution having “been there, done that…”

Good luck! You can always dip a toe in and see if it’s for you.

This is what I’m struggling with…I don’t think I want a serious relationship or anyone to meet my kids. Just someone to do nice things with.

I miss intimacy but I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone. Being that vulnerable.

How much kid free time do you have?

Not tonnes when I factor in work too but it would be nice to feel attractive and go out on the weekends they’re not here.

I miss getting dressed up…all my friends are married with kids so they’re not going out much

Just be careful on the apps OP, there a lot of men on there who will say whatever, pretend they want the same as you, just to get access to your body and they have no intention of giving you any kind of commitment. Even if you only want FWB.

I wont be on apps, theyre not for me…i suppose the other thing is where to actually meet people!

I’m late 40s and I mean this genuinely, no man has cared. If you feel self conscious wear some nice underwear that makes you feel good. But I’ve been with men of all ages and they can’t get enough. I’ve got loose skin, saggy boobs, c section apron.

I’ll probably just remain fully clothed then 🙈😂 I keep intending to exercise more but it won’t fix my boobs!

Rubbish - I doubt they would struggle if they are a decent guy and the right guy. It would only be an issue if dating a Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise lookalike!! 😅

Even us guys have hang ups about our moobs, belly and other things. My GF has big bum & thighs, cellulite, saggy boobs and she hates all that. Very rare to wear anything above the knee. Me, I dont see imperfection, I love her for who she is and that really doesnt bother me.

What have you got to lose... you may meet no-one you like, you may do, you may even find the love of your life and want to move in!! I would give the apps a go (hinge or bumble). They are not great and there is a load of rubbish on there (even for us guys) but be selective on profiles and go for the ones with a decent bio rather than a 6 pack in the gym. Chat a bit and meet for a drink.

The issue I find with meeting offline is groups have a real mix of people. Assuming you are 35, you're not going to be interested (probably) in someone under 32, or over 42? So that rules out a decent chunk of the group. The majority will probably be in a relationship so the chances are small

I started dating 3 years after we separated (lockdown put a stop to going out so it was longer than I needed. You'll know when you're ready, I realised I was ready when I was flirting with my gym instructor 😂.

I met a lovely man who i was seeing for 7 months. Haven't dated since (4 years now) as I hit perimenopause and boy has that hit me hard but life has kind of meant dating has taken a backseat.

Ex has been dating constantly from the moment we split up (in fact before we split up) but he's a bloody mess and destroys all his girlfriends.