Knowing you want to separate and having the balls to do it

[Annon2]

Hi all,

Have felt this way for years if i’m honest with myself, recently it feels a lot more loud in my head. Physical touch has reached an all time low and i’m not proud to admit that when he wants to touch me i pull away. It has been months now without us being intimate and whilst i don’t want it from him, my imagination runs wild with other scenarios/people.

We have been together since i was 20 now 39, 3 kids, i feel like when the kids are older i will regret not just starting again and trying to find someone i am attracted to. I suppose my Q is, has anyone put themselves first and regretted it? he is on paper a great husband and dad, i would be blowing our lives up all because im not attracted to him anymore. It seems so self indulgent on one hand but on the other cruel to us both to just deny us true romantic happiness. Anyone been or are in the same boat???

What would you think of a man who left his wife and split up his family just because he didn’t fancy his wife any more?

How will you explain it to your kids?

Are you sure it's only about attraction? There are a host of psychologic factors that build up trust and attraction and it's not just the 'phoaw' factor. If you're at a point where separation is speaking loudly in your head then there could be other factors, even really small ones, that build up over time.

I'm in a similar place to you, I feel like I will regret not tackling the issues now and potentially pulling my family apart but it's also really hard to step out of a comfortable habit.

I would like to hear from others that have been here, divorced or reconciled.

Yes, I was in your position. I put myself (rather, us) through it & didn’t regret it, even if my love life sìnce then has been turbulent.

Be careful of doing it because of your imagination running wild. This is a symptom, not a cause.

I realiy do recommend counselling. Together & then apart. It helped me get my head together and to think it through rationally. I saw the same counsellor for some years after, the continuity helped.

it does blow lives up. My kids were annoyed about spending time half with him, but it really did make him step up his parenting. I don’t regret it and they u see stand more now, many years later, and retained respect for us individually.

I has thinking of divorce for sometime and took so long to do it because I didn't want to destroy my family. However, my ex wife broached the subject first.

Turned out that we were both unhappy. I wish that we had done couples counselling. I don't think it would have changed the outcome but at least we would have tried.

I'm glad we divorced though. It was affecting my mental health. We moved into separate homes last year and the divorce finalised this year. I'm in a much better place now, it's financially tight but doable.

I'm in no rush to find someone else, but at least now I have the potential to. We split before there was any chance of unpleasantness between us. This means that we have continued to coparent well together and have a friendly relationship.

Our kids were shocked and upset when we told them. Our youngest still says that she wished we were still together in the old house. This upsets me but I reminded myself that if we had carried on with the marriage it wouldn't have end so well.

OP, I wish you all the best for your very difficult decision.

I’d explore all other options first,

peri menopause/dropppng eostrogen can have major impact ( may or not be related here)
boredom
familiarity

have you tried everything to rekindle ?
habe you both talked properly
are you just functioning adults in the sane house now - can you change that?

im not saying stay but good men are hard to find, the grass is definitely not always greener, and before you blow up you’re and everyone’s lives I’d be doing all I could to see if it genuinely could be salvaged.

if it can’t then you own him a convert rather than trudging along

Thanks for the responses so far, to add more context. It’s not just a physical attraction- when we met when i was 20 i very much fell in love with him as a person not what he looked like. He has totally changed and we have openly discussed this, i mean everyone should change and grow but he has made some very questionable choices regarding a lot of things and i think this has made me look at him differently and i now am not attracted to him in the same way. Not sure that makes sense to some but i have generally always gone more for personality than looks and when the personality i loved has now disappeared that’s the situation i find myself in.

The kids are the main reason we are both here 100% i think his frustration at the lack of physical touch and my frustration of the past choices and feeling almost resentful towards him/not wanting to do those things.
So explaining to them would be awful and i would hope we would be able to come together to tell them.

i would like to ask others, does/did it run through your mind about putting your life on hold until the kids have left then to split? but then terrified at the thought of having to try and find your person when your a lot older? I would say me and husband are both young enough to find someone that makes us both happy but would that be the case if i waited until the youngest is 18, his currently 6? the thought of that doesn’t seem doable. Just all a big mess and i’ve been coasting in the same feelings for about 2yrs.

@TuesdayFilmClub
Yes i think your right with the counselling as next steps as i would hate for it to end on bad terms/one of us do something.

@millymollymoomooWe have chats every 6months i would say where he has had enough of the lack of intimacy and i share my issues but i feel like ive turned a corner where i dont want to keep forcing myself to do this and am i now always looking/thinking about ways to navigate the next chapter. Your right about the grass not being greener, i wouldn’t be rushing into a relationship but i do romantise having someone i want to cuddle or go on weekends away with and im sorry if thats heads in the clouds but life is short and i want to still have those moments. I should have said more in my first post, his a great dad and husband on paper - meaning friends and family would be shocked we split as he does do a lot for us all but there have been a lot of lies, financially his let me down by making investments with the kids inheritance and his life savings/money we took from the house for home improvements and invested in trips for business/ schemes his friends believed in and lost it all. I think this has led to a lot of my resentfulness to him, which i’ve expressed and it’s just i’m sorry but it’s a bit late when his financially put us and the kids in a very different position without speaking to me first. x

I think I'm on the other side of this.
DH has initiated a split and said he's been unhappy for years and wanted to split a long time ago but didn't want to ruin mine and the kid's lives.
Whether he regrets staying or not, I can't say. He stayed long enough for the kids to become adults so I guess that's job done.

You don't feel safe, because of his financial poor decisions. You feel resentful, and your central nervous system isn't allowing you to feel desire for him, and that's perfectly understandable.

I am a great advocate for divorce, when it's necessary it's a Godsend, but, in your situation I would absolutely explore every other avenue at least once before you push the button.

Counselling for you both, individually, for six months, then a year of couples therapy. Yes it's expensive, and hard work, but so is a divorce with three young children and there is absolutely no guarantee of a fairy tale for you on the other side of it. Beware. Deal fully with what you've got on the table rather than walk out of the room to explore other possibilities. You owe your children that.

lot of lies, financially his let me down by making investments with the kids inheritance and his life savings/money we took from the house for home improvements and invested in trips for business/ schemes his friends believed in and lost it all. I think this has led to a lot of my resentfulness to him, which i’ve expressed and it’s just i’m sorry but it’s a bit late when his financially put us and the kids in a very different position without speaking to me first.

Well that's just shocking, OP, my heart goes out to you. No wonder you have lost attraction to him. The fact that he is then complaining to you about lack of intimacy shows a lack of self awareness that is mind boggling. I would struggle to make a cup of tea for him after all that but you are plodding along, doing your best for the family. Feck.

He's lied to you and gambled away your kids money without your consent. He's not a good man to share anymore of your life with. You cannot trust him. So you should get divorced.

In your shoes I’d try counselling first.

Been there. I realised early on the marriage was doomed. However, I waited till the stepdaughter obtained her UK citizenship and passport before I moved on, four years later.

If always advise

making sure you’ve tried everything first
if you have, then leave before things get too bad. Eg before arguing and resentment really kicks in, before either one of you had an affair etc

the aim is to get out as functioning civil co parents - which becomes much harder if other things are thrown into the mix adding anger etc

12 years is a very long time to stay. You’d be better go rip the plaster off now and work out how to separate and co parent as amicably as possible

The past financial behaviour is much harder to work with than the lack of attraction (and it is one and the same thing, as you point out). I think many of us can and do manage with a partnership that isnt hugely romantic, but that's possible because there is a bedrock of trust, friendship and shared values. Without that bedrock, I think there isnt a viable marriage. For me, making poor financial choices without my involvement would be a massive issue. Especially as you get older making joint financial plans becomes more and more important (retirement, etc).

What have you got to lose with counselling? If it works you have a good relationship and family. If not you wont thing "what if" in the future and it may lead to a smoother divorce.

This is one of the reasons why my ex and I and very much not amicable (among other things) - the fact that 20 years meant nothing and no attempt to fix things. Granted, we both sort of checked out near the end but thats because neither was making effort with the other. I dont think our chances of saving it were better than 50/50, and I think I was more in love with the family aspect and not wanting the pain of breaking up. But I will never know!

I was in your boat, exact same scenario same age. Now ten years on and I break out into cold sweat thinking about what if I hadn’t have ‘had the balls’ as you put it. Making the decision in your head as you seem to have almost done is actually the hardest bit. Once you have that realisation of what it is you need to do then yes it’s not easy but you’re putting one step in front of the other. Slow and steady and get to where you want to be. Good luck