Anyone successfully escape a narcissist partner?

[Zen81]

I discovered my husband of 20yrs is a narcissist (a vulnerable narcissist to be exact). The marriage never felt normal but I didn’t realise my reality was being skewed frequently and then being love bombed to make me feel I was loved and cared for - I’ve done the heavy lifting in every way including financially.

He used his traumatic upbringing story to induce my empathy and then take advantage of my kindness. I fell for this year after year. He isolated me from my friends and family (in a nice way to ‘protect’ me from toxic people). He made me believe I was a narcissist and started sending me video clips of psychologists so I could fix myself. But to the world he puts on a persona of a nice, humble caring guy. The list goes on!

Has anyone managed to divorce a narcissist without too much conflict. I’m terrified of either the rage and/or collapse and shutdown. I have a 10yr old dd to protect.

Some help and advice would be appreciated.

Hello, firstly, I'm glad that you've spotted the behaviour. I escaped very toxic and horrible ex. Unfortunately family court gave him substantial contact to our son. We now parallel parent through a co parenting app.

I found The Freedom Programme very helpful. The local domestic abuse charity literally saved me.

Knowing what deflection is, DARVO, transactional analysis etc helped to keep me sane, as did grey rock etc.

Wishing you all the best. I hope that he behaves like an adult through the process xxxx

I am also glad that I logged his behaviour lots of times with the police. That's given me some reassurance.

Thanks @Bahhumbug67

I’ve been in therapy for a year which has helped to some extent, and I’m starting divorce proceedings after dd has finished her 11+ exams in Sept. I am very nervous about how he may react. He’s never been physically violent, but has had explosive anger outbursts frequently.

I’ll be getting in touch with Womens Aid and/or Oasis Charity - hopefully they can help me navigate this safely.

I have familiarised myself with covert narcissistic traits and their tactics. Hard pill to swallow knowing I fell into this trap and it’s taken 20yrs to see the reality.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Women's Aid are a good idea. Is there a local DV charity too? If you contact them, they'd be able to help. Mine gave me so much sanity and they helped to walk me through family court. Then even came with me to some sessions.

My god this is me. It really helps to see others having the same experience (though really wish no one was, obvs[.

In divorce, my own Mr Angry pet narcissist has gone super nicey nice, Mr Reasonable, Disney Dad, yes, you can have everything etc, so it's driving me mad wondering what he's up to.

We just need to stay calm, grey rock, find safe accomodation, move on.

Good luck to you.

@PelucheCat

Thanks for sharing. How did he react when you broke the news? Are you living under the same roof, if so what is your coping strategy?

I would advise that there is no "winning" and the goal is to get out as unscathed as possible. Speak to Womens' Aid sooner rather than later, forewarned is forearmed and you need to make sure that every decision you're making from now on, however small, works for you rather than against.

Just to reiterate what others have said. There is no winning against a narcissist unless you move half way around the world and never see or hear from them again. It's imperative that you stay calm and cool at all times, never rising to their bait. They love to play the victim when you do rise, but that's how they get off. Sometimes I think it's a sexual thing with them.

My strongest memories (looking back now) are of the texts he used to send me after we broke up. I was so over him by then that I never responded. I was never even tempted to do so. I burned our wedding pics on the patio. He was flabbergasted that I didn't respond. He even told me his mother had cancer to get a rise out of me. Didn't work.

You need to protect yourself at all times and never lose sight of the fact that this man will turn on the charm when it suits him, then bring you down when he's had his fun. Sorry, OP, tough times for you but you can do this if you keep reading up on his personality type and staying strong.

My ex did, I wouldn’t say there was no conflict, in fact she made his life and now mine hell. She prevents contact with their DD and will spread malicious lies wherever she can. My only advice is to try remain as calm as you can and don’t retaliate to anything, in our situation it’s impossible not to fight back.

Thanks all, I really am bracing myself. Have contacted Oasis Charity today (similar to Womens Aid). Hopefully hear back this week.

I have my wobbles as I’ve been conditioned to feeling guilty and second-guessing myself. I’ve had a setback with my therapist who said ‘maybe he’s still in love with you’. This set me off and the guilt that set in almost broke my 7months of grey rocking. I almost got sucked into his hoovering (niceness) which he has ramped up recently. Feel really let down by my therapist but because I’m so close to serving divorce papers I don’t want to start looking for a new therapist.

Dreading being in the same house during the whole process. Though grey rocking is natural for me now.