Long marriage £0 income

[PinkFloMingo]

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Today 10:04
Topic started by PinkFloMingo
Hi
I'm finding it difficult to find any kind of examples that are close to my situation.
Trying to beat my way past Google Ai, chatgpt and all other Ai.
Then looking through the minefield of solicitors.
I understand the figures I have in front of me and I know our situation. But finding where to start or how, has me stumped.

So if it's okay to ask here, that would be fantastic.
If there is a certain etiquette, let me know or my wording is strange. All advice is welcome and appreciated.

Husband has asked for divorce.
Married nearly 28 years
I am 47 he is 51.

2 adult children with families.
My husband has a good job, with a pension and other perks (I am not privvy to) ?car
?private health

I am not working, I have had a few different jobs throughout our marriage, and i have always had to fit them around raising our family and looking after everything in the house and financials.
(not a criticism) - easiest way to say is, i took care of everything in order for him to just focus on his work.

I fully gave up work about 8/9 years ago.
Partly because of daughter became ill (around age 16) and I focused on her.
I now, still help her out because of illness and also have had the opportunity to look after our grandchildren as and when needed.

We have a house with a mortgage.
guesstimate atm Value 550k with a mortgage of 220k

My husband does want to be amicable and I guess I do too.

On the one hand he is saying I'm to be ok. And then also making it known that the courts won't take into account my future needs.
He has a tally of our finances.
I do too, but I'm yet to know what to do with them.

He has firmly said "we" cant afford solicitors but used our joint account to pay for a solicitor to tell him that.

I am not niave, and I am listening to everything that he says.
He would like to go through mediation. I'm okay with that.

I suppose the 1st question i have is, has anyone had a similar situation.
I can't really even see what i am going to need going forward inorder for me to have a settlement in mind.
atm there are alot of variables and also committments i have that probably won't be taken into account.
having pets inturn dictates my houseing.
caring although not (on the books)

Thanks for reading
I'll leave it there for now

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation. I can't particularly relate and am in no way legally trained, but I don't see how you can navigate this with no formal legal advice. What about CAB to give you some free guidance and gather your thoughts?

You can't navigate this without legal advice. Many solicitors offer a free consultation.

You want half of everything including his pension. House, savings, any other properties and assets and pension. He is being amicable to get more than his fair share and is preventing you getting proper legal advice. Go and see a solicitor, I'm told you can get an initial appointment free and/or talk to CAB. Don't be a mug he is not your friend any more, although you can play nice.

Don’t listen to him saying you can’t afford solicitors - you need independent legal advice.

He’s playing nice to manipualte you into going along with what he wants, his agenda now will be to hold on to as much money as possible.

Ignore him and get you own solicitor.

Also, be prepared for the fact that he may not play nice anymore when he realises you are not juat going to go along with what he wants.

If you are in England lots of solicitors will do a free half hour consultation with you. I'd write down what you know about your finances, length of marriage, children, work etc as you have here, and see what they say.
The fact your husband wants it to be amicable, but he has a solicitor for you both...is well dodgy. No solicitor will represent two parties, pretty certain it's not legal. You need your own solicitor. In my case I gave up work to raise the children and when we divorced he paid his solicitor and the court ordered he also paid my solicitor too.
The fact you don't know about the perks of his job...
He is not being honest, he is not playing fair, he is lying to you so he doesn't have to pay what he owes you for giving up work and a career to raise the children.
Please, book a solicitors appt today, or with CAB and don't believe another word you hear from him.

I have a solicitor lined up.
With the intention of utilising the free half hour.
I became stressed and had to see the gp.
In the interim, I have been making sure I had everything I needed to get the best out of the time.
Over the weekend my ex and I had a chat.
And you are right, I do need to stop thinking we are friends. It's so difficult, like a bloody trauma bond or something.
I'm finding myself trusting what he says while also still knowing that he is continuing to hurt me.

It will be after such a long marriage, why would someone who married and had children with you and support you do anything that hurts or harms you? He will. So reach out to all of your friends and family that you trust and lean on them. Listen to them, not him. He is no longer on your side.
You've taken the first step and that can be the hardest to take.

I'm assuming you're in England/Wales.

After a long marriage, the starting point is 50-50 on all marital assets - property, savings/ investments, pensions.

Your contribution to the marriage as a caregiver will be considered as equal to his as the breadwinner.

Your future needs will absolutely be taken into account - as will his.

If he's a high earner you may have a case for spousal maintenance, as you gave up your earning capacity to care for the family. You may even be able to get more than 50% of assets for this reason.

A solicitor will tell you to initiate the divorce process and to start full financial disclosure (form E). Make sure he can't hide money. Keep it amicable, but don't trust him!

I know how you feel - when I was starting this process, I felt completely in the dark. I had a good solicitor, and it was painful - he took me to a private FDR hearing which cost ££££ but it did resolve it in my favour. Good luck - good legal advice is invaluable if you have assets to divide - even though it can feel like you're throwing your money away on legal fees...

It’s possible to reach agreement with only limited solicitors involvement. They can provide advice and guidance while you most of admin and negotiation yourself

if you’re in England/wales your contributions will be seen as equal.
assets will be shared according to need ( 1 bed home each) it will also assess earnings and ability to earn along with ages, length of marriage etc. you will be expected to work ft although can’t be forced, your settlement will assume you can earn at least minimum wage. You may get spousal for an interim period to help with this transition or a slightly higher share of assets overall

You have 20 years until you reach state pension age so you will need to think about getting back to work. Of course you need your own legal advice. Don’t underestimate the value of his pension. Pensions can be worth more than the value of your home.