Need a safe plan to leave abusive husband with children please

[Throwawaynamekittykat]

Hi all,

It's a long story but basically, my husband has beaten me up in the past and keeps exploding. He says he'll never hit me again but yesterday he came close and smashed up a cupboard whilst screaming that I was a fucking whore. He woke the baby up and when I tried to shush her back to sleep, he said I was shushing him and kept screaming at me and throwing things. He said I knew what I was doing. I was shaking, I was scared.

I'm sick of the kids seeing this. They are four and six months old.

I need to leave but at the moment, here are the complications:

1. I'm on Mat Leave so I don't have much money
2. he works about two minutes away from our house and pops back at random times. If he catches us leaving, all hell will break loose.
3. He's told me I cannot take the children and he won't let me leave. I also need to take the dog.
4. I don't have a car (he bought me one that doesn't work) and we live in the country. There isn't a nearby train station or bus station.
5. no family nearby.
6. we co-own the house. He says he won't leave.

My head is spinning just thinking about how to get the kids and the dog packed up and gone without alerting him. My priority is that it is as peaceful as possible for the children. I don't want my son to see me screaming and crying as I'm pulled back into the house. I don't want my baby pulled from my arms. He's done both of these things before so I know he's capable.

Can you help me formulate a plan please. I'm not asking for money, I just need steps to take. How do I get away? I don't know what to do. I'm in mid Wales.

This sounds incredibly tough. Well done for taking steps to end it - you're absolutely right that you and the kids can't stay.

When you say you don't have family close by, are you emotionally close to them? Because mine would travel any distance to help me get out of this situation. So I wouldn't rule them out based on distance. Can you contact Women's Aid for advice on who can help?

Try them https://share.google/HCUlwfJqtH20mxMnL

Welsh women aid

Some tips here https://www.calandvs.org.uk/en/are-you-safe/things-to-consider/thinking-of-leaving-safety-planning/

Please phone the police before he really hurts you or the kids, I imagine there is evidence of his actions from yesterday- show them and ask them to help you get out.

Call women’s aid tomorrow.

Friends or family - is there anyone that can help you, you will have to be prepared to go with nothing so get all your paperwork together and just go. Keep talking here too so we can help and we know you are ok.

Once you are gone do not tell him where you are, do not let him back in your life - however much he promises, if you do from my experience it will be worse.

Sweetheart please ring the police. Tell them what you have told us. Tell them you are the victim of domestic violence and need support. Ring 999. You and your children are at immediate risk of harm.

Well done for being so strong and making the decision to leave.

You say your family aren’t nearby but if a member of my family called me in your situation I’d travel to the ends of the earth to help. Are your family in the UK - could you reach out to them for help?

I wish you the best of luck and hope you escape safely and soon.

OP you are brave to have taken this decision. I know it wasn’t an easy one. I had no family living in this country when I decided to leave - it was an explosive and dangerous situation. I rang my sister in the night in the midst of hell and she flew in first thing the next morning. Please speak to any loved ones, they will want to help however they can

Call a local domestic abuse helpline and get an occupation order and non molestation order so he can’t come to the house. And a ring doorbell.

Thanks for your responses - I can only check in once or twice a day for obvious reasons but I'm reading and appreciating. I'm going to look into occupation and non-molestation orders this afternoon. I doubt he would respect anything like that. He thinks he's above everything.

I've concluded that realistically, there's no easy way to get myself out quickly so I'm pretending to be nice to him. To the outside world, we look fine now and he thinks I've forgotten.

I recorded the whole audio from Saturday's incident, start to finish.

I worry that if I manage to escape, he will make the house unsellable so we are stuck together. I want to keep it looking nice and get it on the market, under the pretence that we will be moving together. I want to sell it and move on and start again with the children.

Realistically, if I can (with police help) kick him out, he has nowhere to go. He can't afford rent and our mortgage so I need him to keep paying that and thinking everything is fine.

Its such a shit situation. I just know he'll want sex at some point and will be angry if I don't. It's sickening.

Has anybody managed their exit in this way?

Does he want to move?

Can your family invite you for a holiday? Would he be suspicious about that and once you’re gone you leave him?
I
would definitely ask women’s aid or other similar organisation that are experienced in this way. Forget about whether the house would be saleable etc as that’s just money and it’s not as important as your safety.

If he thinks things are fine would he even be happy with a family holiday to visit your family where you “go first” and he joins you a few days later but actually you get an emergency restraining order against him once you’re safe?

Could you fake a period or some IBS type thing if he wants sex me time and hopefully someone more helpful than me will give better advice.

OP, how are you going ? Have the past three days been peaceful?

Have you had a chance to speak to Women's aid local to you?

Have you been able to confide in any one in real life who may be able to drive over to get you and the DC out of there?

What happens with very scary agressive verbal abuse and then indirect physical abuse like breaking things around you, invading your space to get in your face and yell etc is that after the incident when they are in the nice part of their abuse cycle, they can convince you it was not that big of a deal as there was no direct physical abuse of you and the children, please be in no doubt that you have described is Abuse and you are right to be worried and planning to escape.

I have found that once that decision is made, the hardest part is over. YOu can find a way to leave as long as you stay firm on the fact that this is unacceptable abuse, he does not deserve another chance just because he is the father of your kids, please leave. If you call womens aid they can come and get you and find housing for you. If you play the audio ,they can help with non mol orders as well so he cannot come near you and he will only get supervised visitation with the kids till he changes and proves he has changed - you may be able to move back in to the family home if the court gets him to leave , or you can get help arranging a sale so you get your financial settlement. Please call DA /WA for support

This is where you go for non molestation orders: https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

Make sure you get it with powers of arrest attached . It means the police can arrest him if he breaks it.

If you get it after you've moved out of the property, ask that your new address and contact details are not included on the order. This is to protect your privacy and safety.

Ask the police if they'll help you leave safely.

Do you have friends or family you can trust? They can help you move out in one go or be with you while the police arrest him if you wish. It can also help to ask them to look after any important documents or sentimentality valuable items.

Try and make sure you leave with key identity documents for you and and the children and copies of any key financial information.

I've some experience using a non molestation order and was told that often it can stop the abuse for a while at least because a surprising number of men admit to it when it's written down in front of them. That was true in my case.

I hope you're safe, op

Get some copies of key documentation hidden away somewhere safe in a folder. Start thinking about a list of must have things, items of clothing, favourite toy etc. seek refuge help and make them aware when you walk out that door your likely to be followed and need an immediate safe space. Don’t sugar coat it, hard as it is to accept the minute you realise the only way is out you need to act quick. A back pack under the pram with the essentials and documents is all you need. The rest can be replaced - trust me! Take the dog and kids for a nice walk and never look back. Have enough money in your account to pay for a taxi and once your up the road book it and get gone. I was in a similar position 4 years ago (almost to the day) I planned a camping adventure and we never went back. I packed the car with the essentials, hid documents in a back pack and off we went. It was the only way I could get out and life is so much better now. Always think of the end goal, you’ve got this! xx