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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He has suggests I remain in the family home with him paying the mortgage and his name remaining on it.

32 replies

Yuletard · 23/12/2020 13:52

Planning separation from DH. My plan has been to sell the house we own together (we're not married) which will be split 50/50 and me buy a small property for myself and DCs.
I work but I don't have as large a salary as him.
He has made a suggestion that I remain in the family home, his name remains on the mortgage too qnd he pays it (as he does now) as an investment for himself. He will also pay towards any maintenance on the house.
He is then planning on moving in with his brother for 2 years to save for a deposit for a small property of his own.
What are your thoughts?
Is this a wise move?
Obviously, it will be good for DCs to have the consistency of remaining in the family home, but I'm always going to have that feeling that I'm not really "free" of him.

OP posts:
supportivemyarse · 23/12/2020 14:39

I'd only do this if selling meant negative equity, and keep that under annual review.

a friend and exDH did this to give DC the stability of home. Also partly so they wouldn't both make a loss on the house. I think they had a 10 year agreement drawn up though. There have been a couple of times when the ex-DH has seemed to change his mind so friend has felt her home was under threat but mostly its worked very well, so it can work but it depends on the type of people you are and how acrimonious the split is. you need a proper agreement drawn up so that he can't treat it as his own home, walk in at all hours, decorate or suddenly threaten to sell and chop and change. Friend couldn't afford to cover the mortgage repayments without him in case he messed them about so it was on her mind. The DC are mid teens now and they have put the house on the market as planned.

Another friend agreed to do this with his exW, for the same reasons. After years of him paying for the house she went for full ownership to remove him from the deeds (?) so their financial connection could end, she had built up a good career and could afford the mortgage without him. There was a huge fight about ExW buying him out though, he eventually took a nominal amount on the grounds that she promised not to sell until youngest DC was 18 so their home wasn't affected, he signed it over for his children. ExW promptly sold up, downsized and kept all the equity.

supportivemyarse · 23/12/2020 14:51

forgot to include, friend whose exW kept the equity, he was taking legal action to recover his 'share' of the equity from the sale but died before anything happened. Sadly he'd had another DC who is growing up without a father at all and probably won't now see a penny of what would have been a decent amount of money from her dad to help set her up in life. Its brutal.

Original poster
Yuletard · 23/12/2020 14:52

We've had a valuation which is 40k above what we bought the house for (5 years ago).

I'm concerned that DH may feel he can still come and go, but mostly that, he will refuse if I want any work doing to the house. He says he will go 50/50 on maintenance costs, but I'm forseeing a lot of resistance and him telling me that things don't need fixing when they do etc .

OP posts:
supportivemyarse · 23/12/2020 14:54

honestly in that case I'd sell. DC home is wherever you are, its not about the building.

Original poster
Yuletard · 23/12/2020 15:02

Thank you @supportivemyarse
That is very true :)

OP posts:
pallisers · 23/12/2020 15:06

get your money out of the house and use it to put down a deposit and get a property for yourself.

AfterSchoolWorry · 23/12/2020 15:10

He's suggesting it, so it's unlikely to be in your best interests. There'll be a catch somewhere. You'll be beholden to him.

I'd stick to your plan. A clean break.

TillyTopper · 23/12/2020 15:21

Definitely stick to your plan of a clean break - and you definitely need to be in charge of your own home. I'd say stick to the original plan otherwise he could not to maintenance, feel he can just swan into your place, if he wants to sell he could do so (despite what he is saying now), you'll never really know where you are.

Allaboutthatbass · 23/12/2020 15:38

Also you don’t want to suddenly find when the children are adult that you have to move out and rent on into old age.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 23/12/2020 15:43

Ime separately always starts off with good intentions..
Sell up. Get your life the way you want it.

Berthatydfil · 23/12/2020 15:55

What kind of mortgage is it - repayment or interest only?
If it is repayment the payments will gradually decrease so he will pay less.
I would sell and take your share of the equity - you can have a fresh start as things may get messy as time goes by- what if you get a new partner or what if he disagrees with spending money on it etc.

LargeProsecco · 23/12/2020 17:34

Mine is also suggesting the same thing (see my thread about Mesher-type orders & the responses there).

I honestly think a clean break is better.

Aalvarino · 24/12/2020 09:26

Keeps it as an investment for himself? As in, he will assume full ownership when the time comes to sell? If so no way Jose.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 24/12/2020 09:50

He will be vetting who enters the door op... My friend did your suggested set up. Her ex wandered in /out as he chose. Looking in drawers etc. Once came to sort Sky TV out. Actually warned the bloke off hitting on her. How embarrassing!!

HollowTalk · 24/12/2020 09:52

So he'd be your landlord and you'd have to ask him to do repair work? No.

Get out and start afresh with the children. You don't need that level of interference from him.

AgathaChristiesFurcoat · 24/12/2020 09:54

When I was divorcing my ex suggested this, my friend said I should run it by a solicitor, best advice ever! The solicitor explained that there would be no way to stop me ex moving back in with anyone he wanted at any point.
My advice- 1 see a solicitor 2 don't live with your ex if you can afford not too!

Potplant · 24/12/2020 10:00

I did similar, it was a terrible decision. A clean break would have made life so Much easier. Still trying to extract myself 5 years later.

Are you prepared for him to keep coming round? What happens if he decides to move back in? If he’s sharing with his brother, will he be having the DCs his fair share or will he not enough Room and they’re with you all the time?

ChristmasStartedAlready · 24/12/2020 10:00

You need to look at your finances as a whole. Pensions values, equity, savings etc. Then you want to come out of the situation fairly equally long term with the children being adequately provided for. One proposal shouldn't be your starting point.
Eg, pension of the higher earner is also worth more than the property owned.
Has/is your earning capacity been affected by caring for DC? That is also a factor.

DameCelia · 24/12/2020 10:02

Hi @Yuletard
You should ask Mumsnet to move this over to the legal topic for you.
You call him you 'DH' but say you aren't married, that means you are not entitled to anything at all, although the children are. Although you do have ownership of half the property.
Why would he pay your 50% of the mortgage as well as his own and pay maintenance for the children, when he doesn't have to?
Even if he's happy to do that now he may very quickly change his mind when he realises he is paying money he doesn't need to.
I'm sorry, if you're not married the situation in a break up with children can be really rough, unless you both earn the same.
In your shoes I would be selling the house asap and taking anything I could get my hands on.

DameCelia · 24/12/2020 10:04

@ChristmasStartedAlready all those things are only relevant in a divorce.
The OP isn't divorcing.

ChristmasStartedAlready · 24/12/2020 10:06

Sorry!! Totally missed that.

SimplyRadishing · 24/12/2020 10:10

Your instincts are right i think.

I would want a clean break too.

BrusselPout · 24/12/2020 10:21

[quote DameCelia]@ChristmasStartedAlready all those things are only relevant in a divorce.
The OP isn't divorcing.[/quote]
But she calls him DH all the way through?

BrusselPout · 24/12/2020 10:22

Ignore me, completely missed the 'we're not married' bit

DameCelia · 24/12/2020 10:28

@BrusselPout Grin
This is why people need to get legal advice!
First issue; are they married or not?
Second; this house, exactly how do they "own it together" and how did they buy it?
Which is why getting married when you have children is an excellent idea (unless you are the higher earner)!