Mediation - will it go against me if I refuse?

[clpsmum]

After three years of my solicitors letters being completely ignored by STBXH he has finally seen a solicitor himself. He has suggested mediation. I personally do not want to do this and think it is far too late on the day for mediation and he will manipulate and lie to the mediator. To be completely honest I don't want to be in the same room as him either. However I'm scared if I refuse mediation and it goes to court it will go against me. Anybody got any advice or experience?

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon to advise but from personal experience a few years ago, at least one session of mediation is required in all cases before a court date can be booked in for financial settlement. That's not to say either party has to turn up to the session though - the petitioner covers the cost (it was about £50 a few years ago, not sure now though) and it's simply a "box ticked" in the process.

Lee this clear in your mind: the mediator is not a judge, you don’t need to convince them of anything, you don’t need to get them to like you or be on your side. They are there just to facilitate a conversation and help you get to a solution.

As far as I am aware, it is now required for couple to try mediation before applying to court. But not ñe mediation is only suitable if neither of you have control issues.

Anyhow, if is much cheaper to go to mediation once to show that you tried to make it work than wasting far more money in solicitor’s letters that obviously not achieving anything.

Just go to mediation and if it doesn’t work, straight to court.

I would say 90% of people don't want to go to mediation, it's just part of the process, you have to grin and bear one session and then get on with the divorce.

Thanks everyone. In that case I'll agree to it and see what happens

If there is history of DV you can opt for shuttle mediation. You both attend but in separate rooms and the mediator moves between rooms. I had to do this as my ex was an abuser. I showed willing but was complete waste of time as he was unreasonable. Helped with later evidence though.

My solicitor said that mediation wasn't suitable after I told her exh raped me, never had any problems in going to court without attending mediation.

Is there a history of abuse? The fact he’s ignored you for 3 years and now expects you to “jump” sounds ominous!

I don't know if it would be classed as abuse tbh. He is very controlling (still) he sends abusive texts a lot of the time so I've now blocked him and he's reverted to emails as I can't seem to block them, he messes me around with the kids, he blames me for everything and anything and tries to bully me and intimidate me.

You have just described abusive behaviour. He is trying to abuse you. Bullying and intimation is abuse. Please report abusive texts to the police and your solicitor. You need to start evidencing and noting what he does in a diary so you are prepared going forward.
It's a no to mediation under these circumstances.
He is a bad father and some additional support from women's aid might really help you and your children.

Mediation right now is likely to be online, so you won't be in the same room as ex. If you get a good mediator, it can be very productive. I'd definitely give it a try, and make a real effort at the initial MIAM meeting to see if you think the mediator will work for you as an individual and you as a couple.

Good luck. It's much cheaper, so I hope it works for you.

Don't do mediation with someone who was and still is abusive. Use the messages to prove abuse. You are not there to jump through his hoops now he suddenly has a reason to move on with the divorce.