I want to divorce my intolerable H, what's the quickest and easier way please.

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I just can't take it anymore. I've been talking about separating for ages but he's reluctant to listen and take me seriously which is the story of our marriage really. The lockdown is becoming unbearable, I need out ASAP.

What's the best way here? Ill obviously have to initiate, would divorcing on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour be the fasted?

Are you able to elaborate on why you want to divorce him? I'm sure any reason you have is perfectly fine, you should never have to stay with someone you're not happy with, but some things will be taken a lot more seriously than others in a situation like this.

Depends on what you see as unreasonable behaviour and what the law says.
You may see snoring as unreasonable.

I don't think divorce is ever speedy. But it's your living arrangements your want to change surely? That's where you need to start. Posters might be able to help with more detail.

Unreasonable behaviour is what l would go with if l was you. I divorced my 1st husband on those grounds, it fairly straightforward including writing a statement including details of his unreasonable behaviour. Shame l didn’t know at the time that he having an affair with my friend or l would have gone for adultery.

He does snore actually but that's the least of our problems. Loads of issues around money. He's a higher earner, won't share money. Doesn't feel he should. Doesn't cook, clean, plan or organise. I'm currently trying to work from home but he won't make any adjustments to his work schedule meaning I'm unable to commit to ongoing (contract) work. Lots of aggressive behaviour when challenged. It's deeply unpleasant.

Enjoys the status of being a married family man though so is unwilling to consider separating.

I'd love to live separately but couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and doubt he would willingly go anyway.

EL8888 good to hear it was straightforward. How long did it take and did you have shared assets etc to divide?

I'll look up unreasonable behaviour examples but can easily find many of my own. I am slightly worried about the hostility it will cause but I'm going to have to suck that up I guess.

Can you sperate but share the house? (it works for some.)

Oh dear. Sounds tough.

If there are assets, joint finances, and you have been married a while (children?) then focusing on quick isn't necessarily in your best interests.

Re the unreasonable behaviour, my personal opinion is that if your decision is made then it is now in your/everyone's be interested to keep things from being any more acrimonious than need be (especially if there are children). So examples that are the least contentious would be best. Don't use the application to vent... Find another outlet. A friend with a lot of patience or a counsellor, or MN etc.

You really need legal input. My advice would be to find a solicitor who is a member of Resolution who are committed to working constructively.

We are effective separated and sharing the house but it changes nothing for me.

Thanks that's helpful. Married for 10 years, two DC's one primary, one nursery age. We have a house together, no joint finances in terms of savings, bank accounts although we both have isa's and individual savings. I'm not interested in his money or pension but would like my share of the house.

I'm managing to keep the atmosphere reasonable for the sake of the DC's but it's taking its toll on me. I'm comprising myself way beyond what's reasonable in every area. I obviously don't want to inflame the situation given we are currently stuck together, plus I'm keen to parent together long term. I need to keep him in side but get rid. A tricky balance.

I'll look up resolution and seek advice.

There's someone on here who did it themselves - she recommends 2 books. I'm pretty sure one of them is the dummies guide to divorce.

I post the following fairly regularly:

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets

Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

I’d suggest telling him that you won’t ask for a share of his pension and savings if he agrees to sell the house ASAP /moves out.

Don’t ignore the pension - it could be the most valuable asset
It should go in the pot for consideration

Given you have been married 10 years it is likely all assets are considered assets of the marriage. And yes pensions are often the most valuable asset. Don't make any offers or come up with what you would accept just yet. Get legal advice.

It doesn't have to be hellish (although it is inevitably a painful process). Hopefully you will agree a mediator, thrash it out in mediation, then lawyers drew up a consent order and financial order.

(We were lucky in that we agreed child contact without outside help)

If you are the one ending the relationship then you might feel that you have to take as little as possible. The mediator will focus on an equitable split, regardless of who is ending things.

You say "I'm not interested in his money etc". But that's probably at least partly because you are suffering and just want out. So let the mediation help look after your long term interests. Its not about being grabby like lawyers fighting in a court room. Its about fair and about your children's wellbeing.

Ime the better the attention to financial agreement the more you are freed up to put the kids first and for the challenges of co parenting.

Re speed/pace - the first time we met with the mediator it was so difficult. It was really early - a lot of hurt and anger. We both stalled at various points after that for various reasons. By the next mediation meeting (much later) we were much more able to have a reasonable conversation.

Sorry for the long messages! I have a lot of free time on my hands!

Thanks for all this useful info. I don't have access to his financials as he's never been willing to share them, so no firm idea on his salary but know it's over 110k + bonus.

His pension won't be a lot as he's not contributed to one for long. He's pretty crap with money - another sticking point. I hear what people are saying though so I'll seek advice on that. Tbh I need all the funds I can reasonably get as my income is nothing like that and never will be.

He'll want 50:50 of that I'm pretty sure. The lockdown has just cemented the idea that you can do it all and I've clearly been doing nothing for the last decade.

He may want 50:50, but is it practical with h his work hours?

I'm currently weighing up the pros and cons of different finance options when divorcing.

If he keeps on paying the mortgage on the house and moves out am I able to make a claim for state help given I only work pt??

Hi. V similar issues in my marriage and also similar earning disparity. As above, prep as much as you can - take copies of all key docs, download statements, find out about pensions. You need a picture of your total net worth as a couple. That's the starting point. I wouldn't do anything until you have all that together. Then take legal advice. They'll give you more accurate advice if they can see your net worth and earning potential for both. The starting point is 50-50 share but if he has far greater earning potential and doesn't pursue shared custody it takes into account 'need' and you may get a better split in your favour.

You can petition online - £550 fees and you can request costs are shared. It's really v straightforward. I listed unreasonable behaviour - as above, try not to inflame (in your free legal advice you can make this one of your questions or get them to check your petition). Be prepared for the fallout. My STBX kicked
off big time. Furious that I'd petitioned him even though his behaviour was the cause. He delayed responding a bit but ultimately any solicitor will tell them to accept as there is no point challenging the petition. Then you can steam roller ahead to Nisi also online (all one big process). That bit is easy. What's been an absolute nightmare for me is the parallel process of trying to get him to do his Form E and move to financial disclosure. I got my Nisi last summer. Still fighting to get him to submit Form E and close to accepting I might need to involve court to get him to shift. Prepare for stubbornness like you won't believe - make sure you have your own income going into your own act and can be reasonably self sufficient as even interim maintenance can be a nightmare to negotiate with an angry, unreasonable, tight fisted ex who won't move out. Try and pay big things up front, save up a bit if possible as my experience is they tighten the screws big time in terms of finances. If you live separate lives under same roof and have completely separate finances you can apply for UC but he may make this difficult for you.

If you think he will be reasonable in mediation, that's the quickest & cheapest route for everything. But only if he engages and is reasonable.

Good luck and definitely seek legal advice before agreeing anything!

I've had a look around but I don't have access to any of his financials. I'm guessing it's all online but I have contact a few solicitors and will speak to them next week.

I don't want to find myself in a position where he is paying the mortgage or whatever as he's suggested, i want a clean break. Ideally I would like to move to a cheaper area but not sure he would agree although I've suggested a few places and a time line which went down like a lead ballon. He's now basically avoiding speaking to me about any of it, so I'm just going to petition for unreasonable behaviour and take it from there. Good tip to do run the reasons by the solicitor, thank you.