How to divvy up Xmas for separated parents

[Domino1]

I split up with my DH 2 yrs ago. We have two children age 10 & 12 who live with me but see their dad every other weekend. We have had the last two Christmases together as a family of four for the kids sake. This year the children have said they would like to spend Xmas just with me. Their dad is very unhappy about this & blames me. He is annoyed I spoke to them without consulting him. (I've suggested Xmas Eve & Day with me & Boxing Day & 27th with him) I want whatever makes Xmas magic for the children - whatever part I do or don't play - although obviously I'm human & I'd love to be with them. Don't know what is the right/best thing. Don't want the children to feel any stress or pressure & would rather he wasn't unhappy but how much of that can I take on! Dreading Xmas already & not even December.

Considering the dcs ages i would back them up on this and your suggestion is a good one. I would also make it clear to both dcs and ex that going forward you are prepared to alternate christmas and he will get them next year. Because of distance between myself and exh, we alternate xmas and new year, this year ex has them for xmas, from the 21st -27th, i will do something special with them when they get home but this is the reality of divorced parents.

Exdp and I split last year, we did Xmas together last year as we hadn't told the kids we had split up and it was hideous so congrats to you both for making it work!

His exwife insisted on splitting Xmas day in half with his older 2 until dsd sat and sobbed to me that she hated it, he put his foot down in front of the kids and told his ex that going forward it was Xmas eve through to Xmas night with one pare t year 1 and the other year 2 as the kids were miserable. His ex like yours went ballistic but after dsd gained a confidence from seeing her dad having her back she had several rows with her mum over it and eventually mum relented.

No we are split the agreement is our joint dd follows the same pattern, so her dad has all 3 one year and none the following so that the kids get Xmas together.

I think you are being very fair and the kids will thank you for supporting them.

Stand your ground and back them up!

Good to hear some thoughts. Trouble is the children do not want to have Xmas with their dad at all at any point in future years either (& would also rather not have as much weekend access now). So don't feel I'm in the position to offer an 'every other year' scenario. Who knows what will change moving forwards... but for now big scream & feeling like the baddie in the tale.

Why do they not want to see their dad? Is there some back story? Otherwise seems a bit unfair he gets nothing to do with Christmas- should be either Christmas Day or Christmas Eve IMO.

In that case your just going to have to take the flack from him....he can either go with DC wishes or not see them at all - its not like he's getting no time... is he really expecting you to carry on with joint now 2 years down the line......

you probably could have warned him that a joint xmas was not on offer this year and discussed with him first .... as big decisions are generaly better discussed pre telling the kids......if you think about it from his point of view he has been kiboshed a bit with a fait accompli ......but hey ho too late now

My mum was fab at christmas - it was a real thing for her....and my dad lived in a shared house for many years ... so even though they really did not get on he used to come over xmas eve....bring his presents and spend time wih us then and we were allowed to open them/one which was v exciting ! then we would see him boxing day after xmas.....maybe that would be an idea?

I would say you'll sort year by year.... and the DC will get a say due to their age... maybe review after this one.....you dont have to think about the following

Have you identified why they are reluctant to spend time with him? That's more concerning that Christmas. If he's in the same city could he come for brunch say on Christmas Day then go home before dinner time?

Find out why your children don't want their dad around, then explain to them if they spend Christmas day with you this year then next year they will have to spend it with their dad.

If both you and them can put up with him for another 3-4 years instead on Christmas Day it may be better to do this instead.

Is he local? Would the children be happy to see him for a few hours tea time?

They are old enough to know their own minds and that may change next year. Just ensure they know they can change either mind.