Difficult pre teen / sees that dad has done no wrong

[MaryQ89]

Hello
Not sure what to call this post but I do hope those with experience can advice

DD is 11 and attitude has been difficult (but I am assuming normal for age and raging hormones) for a good year. I was the main brunt of the attitude before separation as OH works long hours but now he has left ( his decision not mine) her rage at me of immense. Not sure if I am a little sensitive to it but it feels like I am getting all the rage and brunt of emotions and he is being portrayed by DD as then poor dad , but also she engaged and interested in his new situation and angry at me that we will need to sell house and buy a smaller house ( to stay in school catchment ). I understand that his new flat sounds cool and exciting but I don’t know how to handle this now. It’s getting me down. It’s only been a couple of weeks BTW.

I assume her behaviour is normal but how do I keep my chin up and also parent and tell her the way she is speaking to me is also not on.

Exactly your last sentence.

Something along the lines of 'things sometimes happen with grown ups and they decide they dont want to stay together for various reasons. Those reasons are not your business. What IS your business is that I'm a good mum to you and dad is a good dad to you. Anything else isn't something you need to concern yourself with.'

I'd then pull her up on rudeness every single time. Kindly but firmly. Dont engage with goading of any sort.

You're doing your best in a difficult situation so do not be drawn into discussing that with an 11 year old. Assert yourself as credible leader!

I have similar with my 12 year old - but only a little similar! Me and his dad spoilt up before he was born and he's very very happy and settled with me and my husband who he sees as a second dad as we've been together years. But he's sometime curious and wants to know the ins and outs of why we broke up and it doesn't help that his dad is just fucking nuts.

I grit my teeth, smile and nod, and tell him what's up for discussion and what isn't. He's very good and knows when his curiosity is not required and will receive short shrift

She is scared of the future and change, you are her safe person who will be there no matter what and that is why she is expressing it with you. My DD was the same. I continued to parent and pull her up on unacceptable behaviour. But I did make a lot of effort to discuss our new home give her input so she felt invested, we bought her new bedlinen and towels. We talked about what life would be like in the new house.

Thanks both. Really just needed to know it’s normal. Yes I plan to involve her in new house. I think it’s hard as that feels a way off yet and her dads new place will be sooner.
I just wish she would let me in and talk about her worries.