What’s the order of events?

[Ilovebolly]

I’m almost at the point of telling my dh that I want to divorce. We’ve been unhappy for a long time and he kind of knows how I’m feeling although I suspect he will still be shocked when I finally tell him.
Anyway, I wondered what is the order of how things happen once you decide to separate/divorce. Will probably have to go down the 1 year separated route as I don’t want to apportion blame by citing “unreasonable behaviour”.
Do I get a separation agreement? Or see a mediatior or solicitor first? I’m totally clueless as to what to do and when and I want to get it right to make it as smoothe and stress-free as possible for everyone. Thanks

2 year seperation not one year

You need to get your financial stuff sorted before you tell him. I.e copies of bank accounts, p60, pensions etc as this will be needed when you fill in Form E.

I went straight for divorce for unreasonable behaviour as otherwise it just prolonged the inevitable.

It will be 1 year (in Scotland) as long as he agrees. I’ve looked into bank accounts etc so I know what we both have regarding savings. Do I need to know his financial info or just my own?

Did going for unreasonable behaviour make it a more acrimonious divorce? I have 2 children to think of too so I want to keep this as amicable as possible for their sakes.

I'm in the UK so l don't know if the process is the same.

We had to fill in our own financial forms and they then get given to the other party to go through. So it's helpful if you know what he has incase things are "accidentally" omited...

Nope. It's going to get nasty at some point anyway, no matter how you seperate.

He had an OW so l had good grounds.

Ideally I’d love to be able to divorce straight away but I’m not sure what kinds of reasons would be accepted. Ultimately I’ve fallen out of love with my husband but I’m not sure playing too much sport and being grumpy with the kids would count as acceptable reasons on a divorce petition.

To OP

Unreasonable grounds is the most common people use when applying for a divorce because it can be almost anything you wish. Hopefully you DH accepts that it is over and you can both move on in reasonable time.

However, if one or both of you make it a contest over assets it may drag on and result in large Legal Costs. Mine took almost 2 years as Ex was obstructive. About 35% of family assets were spent on Legal!

I have spent £8000 so far

In the UK there needs to be about 5 solid reasons for the split.

Playing too much sport could be used as one if it is worded correctly. For example

During the marriage the Respondent has played sport to excess and has, on numerous occasions, caused considerable distress to the Petitioner by opting out of family occasions for it

OP You need to know and preferably get copies behind his back of his financial info as it will speed things up if you know he's not hiding financial information from you. The latter isn't strictly legal so I would do this before seeing a solicitor.

Then I would go and see a solicitor on the quiet for an initial chat. Then once you are sure of what you are going to do I would ensure all joint accounts including credit cards are frozen just before telling him you are petitioning for divorce. That way he can't run up debts which you end up having to pay off.

Just be aware in Scotland unlike England and Wales, regardless of whether you have children or not, the courts don't believe in spousal support for life if spousal maintenance is applicable to you.

OP You need to know and preferably get copies behind his back of his financial info

Bad idea. Private information obtained on the sly may be rejected. Both Parties will have to complete a Form E which requires details of all finance related subjects such as; earnings, savings, investments and pensions.

Form E's should then be exchanged at same time. At FDA both parties will have opportunity to raise questions about what is on Form E and any other questions they may wish to ask. The Judge will decide what questions are relevant and direct both on what further documents they need to produce.

People saying 'in the UK this, and that' don't seem to realise, that matrimonial and divorce law in Scotland is completely different to the rest of the UK. In Scotland, it is NOT advised to divorce under grounds of unreasonable behaviour. The vast majority of divorces here are on the 1 year separation basis, and you cannot file for divorce until all financial issues have been agreed (separation agreement). OP, get yourself an appointment with a solicitor, they will send a letter to your stbxh to get the ball rolling on getting the financial info. You will have to define your date of separation (relevant date), as when looking at marital assets and liabilities, this is the date used. You and your stbxh will have to provide statements and balances for all of your accounts and also CETV's for any pensions at the 'relevant date'. I'm going through this myself at the moment, so if you need any help, please PM me op.

Thank you @sosick, that really helps a lot. I think I know what I need to do now so next is just choosing the right time!

No problem. Good luck OP 🙂