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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Kids meeting his new partner

17 replies

Mumj2boys · 14/09/2017 09:49

Hi,
I'm new to mumsnet
Separated a year and a half ago.
Going through divorce proceedings.. trying to get a settlement.
He has moved on and recently told me he has a gf and been together a year and will 'let me know' when he's introducing her to our children. We have two boys age 3 and 6. Do I have a right to say no!?

OP posts:

HalfMyLife · 14/09/2017 14:23

No - unfortunately, i don't think you do. As hard as it is, you've just got to grin and bear it. If they've been together a year then it's understandable that he'd want to introduce her. It's blooming awful though, and i really feel for you.
My and STBXH separated 5 months ago - found out 3 weeks after he'd left that he was seeing someone else. He told the kids (10 & 5) about her 2 months ago, and took them on a picnic with her a few weeks ago. I asked him not to introduce them yet, for various reasons - including DS (10) not wanting to meet her, him only seeing the kids once a month and not having a great relationship with DS anyway - but he ignored that and introduced them anyway. He kept sending me messages accusing me of putting ideas into DS's head because i told him that he didn't want to go - when in fact i was sat night after night talking it through with DS, calming him down, biting my tongue - and convinced him in the end to go.

They had a nice time - i think mainly because their dad was on his best behaviour and trying to impress - i spent the day feeling sick about the whole thing, but it's one more thing out of the way.
Good luck xx

heidiwine · 14/09/2017 15:48

They've been together a year, you've been separated a year and a half. Why would you want to stop this? What if you had met someone and your ex said your new partner couldn't meet your children?
His new partner could end up being a significant part of your childrens' lives and that could be a really positive thing for them and you.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 14/09/2017 15:58

Best advice?
Be pleasant about her and to her thus blowing apart the version of you she has likely had from him.

Not easy handing dc over to a new gf. .
My exh new gf kept me up to date on dc after the weekends they had with them as I refused to talk to him. .
She saw the light in time and after a swinging party went wrong she married his mate!

Cakefortea1 · 14/09/2017 16:41

I'm not sure why you would say no? I assume you don't ask his permission to introduce your dc to anyone?

Original poster

Mumj2boys · 14/09/2017 17:28

It isn't someone I've known about for a year.. she's all of a sudden been mentioned. Obviously if she had been a part of his life for a year then yes. But it seems as though she's only just came on the scene. Plus my children are young and barely understand we aren't together.
Anyway I don't think this site is really for me.. some people don't actually seem to be wanting to give positive advice.. I didn't know people would be putting each other down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumj2boys · 14/09/2017 17:29

Only was asking if I had a right to know who was being introduced to my children's lives etc or if I have completely no say

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2017 18:39

Sounds to me like he is being pretty reasonable. It's not like she's some woman fresh off Match.com or the local pub.

It's right he has waited, and that he will give you the heads up, but I don't think you can reasonably expect more.

rosabanksiaealba · 14/09/2017 18:44

I am in the same situation as you. I have been married for 20 years, have 4 children, and having survived my husband having cancer, discovered he had started an affair after he went back to work, and he left me for her 2 years later. The kids are devastated and so am I. People simply don't seem to understand the devastation and heartbreak this causes on so many levels. I wanted nothing more that for my children to grow up in a loving family, feeling secure, and providing strong foundations from which they could fly. Instead I feel his lies and deceit have undone everything that I worked and stood for over the last 20 years. Handing my youngest over to him and her will be the most heartbreaking thing I will ever have to do. I simply don't know how people do this week in week out. I know I have no grounds to stop it from happening, but I cannot understand how people can be so dismissive of the pain it causes. Stay strong. There are people who care, just sometimes it seems they are hard to find.

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2017 19:03

FF S this isn't some affair partner.

I speak as a separated mum, as a family solicitor, and as a step-mum(ish).

Don't let your feelings affect your kids. Hopefully, this woman will be nice and they will like her. She won't replace you, not even close. You have nothing to fear here.

usernameavailable · 14/09/2017 19:29

I don't think legally you have a right. I think it is basically a case of whilst in DF's care then he gets to decide what is ok and vice versa. I believe the only time you can legally intervene is if they are in harms way. And then it would be a case if going to SS.
I feel for you OP and totally understand your concern with your DCs age and how they will cope.
I think being gracious and showing them u have no concerns is the best way for them to accept this woman. Even if he hasn't been with her for as long as he claims.
Maybe when they see their DF. Just pop in, did u see (name) was she ok.
U might not want to really hear it but it will help ur kids.
I am talking from experience of being in the DCs position. I love my StepMum. My mum was gracious about her. But growing up into an adult I have learned she was The other woman - the reason my dad and mum got divorced (well the reason was really my dads infidelity but you know what I mean)
Even now, my stepmum is amazing. And i never found the change too hard growing up. Neither did my younger DSis.
Hope this helps

Original poster

Mumj2boys · 14/09/2017 19:48

Thank you usernameavailable. That has really helped.

OP posts:

Cakefortea1 · 14/09/2017 19:52

I also speak from having separated and my ex meeting someone & moving her in after 9 months so I'm not unfeeling.

JohnVenn · 14/09/2017 19:58

If he's been with her for a year that's actually rather sensible of him op , also she's probably a nice lady (he picked you right?).

I say this as a woman with an exh that has introduced her dc to no less than 7/8 women in a few years , none of them stuck around and I wasn't told that they were meeting these women until the dc got home to tell me about "dad's new friend".

I introduced my own partner to them after six months and told my exh that it would be happening , and that I was willing to answer any of his questions about my partner beforehand.

Like I say op , I think your ex is being reasonable and that you have no need to worry.

Good luck.

Original poster

Mumj2boys · 14/09/2017 21:06

Thanks he is being reasonable I suppose. Just sucks doesn't it. All you want to do is protect your children and I'm just so worried about how confused they might be. I have such anxiety about this woman getting pregnant and them having new brothers or sisters but I suppose that's all part of it sadly. Thanks ladies x

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 15/09/2017 07:35

Protecting from what? She's a girlfriend, not a monster.

I think you need to address your anxieties properly. Your children will pick up on them, and you will make their lives so much harder and less happy.

heidiwine · 15/09/2017 07:56

Your kids are 3 and 6, you've been separated for a year and a half.
Please try (for their sakes) to see this as something that could turn out to be a positive thing.
I'm a step mum (of sorts). I love my partners children and they love me. I am a positive part of their lives. I make their dad happier and more content which makes him a better dad. I care for them in a motherly way but I will never (and nor should I) rival their mum.
This could be good for your boys even if she has children.

NotSureIfiAmWell · 16/09/2017 12:15

I had no say in the matter so at least he has told you.

My ex left me after 20yrs and two kids (10 and 13) and introduced her after 4 weeks

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