Contact arrangement for older kids

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Hi

Not quite at the stage of H moving out yet but does anyone have experience of contact arrangements for kids that are older, mines are 12 & 15. They do see friends a lot, especially the 15yo and more so at weekends. Can you still have the eow and one night during the week arrangement (with the kids being free to arrange other contact for say football games etc). This may sound selfish but when it's H's weekend I don't want the kids just turning up here willy nilly, for my MH I need some "me" time. Is that selfish?

Yep, DS is 13. I'm proposing 2 out of 3 weekends here as if it was every other and DS spent time with his friends at the weekend, I would not actually get to see him at all at the weekends.

STBEXH isn't around here and so DS wouldn't see his friends on those weekends.

I hear what you are saying about wanting your weekend to be yours. It is the time H takes on day to day parental responsibility. It's not just wanting to have time to yourself, if you don't know if they are going to show up thereby putting you in position of responsible parent, you won't be able to make plans, you will always feel like everything is up in the air and unsettled. I've lived it and I would not recommend it at all.

So if you think that your DCs will gravitate back to yours on those weekends, I think you need to talk to your DCs , they are old enough.

No reason why they can't make plans but it is then for your ex to organise collection of them etc. They will need to hand out at his not yours on those weekends.

Of course you can have eow and one night a week whatever the age as long as it suits . I'm almost seven years in, DS who is now almost 20 still follows that although DD now 17 stopped a couple of years ago.

And yes it used to annoy the hell out of me when they turned up on "my" weekend

DPs children are similar ages to yours and they come to us eow and one night a week. That said, I really do think the older one is getting to an age when she'd rather stay o/n at her mum's and just visit us regularly.
We live very close to their mum and hardly a weekend goes by when they don't pop over for something that they want/have forgotten. I know that it annoys their mum. But that doesn't seem to bother them one bit.
I don't think there's a lot you can do to avoid them dropping in on your exs weekend if you live close by.

I can see that happening :/ I'm going to have to talk to them then.

I think it would be quite hurtful / rejecting to ban them from popping in during the weekend he is supposed to have them

But you can make a rule that on "Mum's weekend off" you don't cook, give lifts, wash sports kit or whatever, so they can either get their dad to do that stuff or do it themselves

As in, you're not having a weekend off from them, you love them and are always happy to see them, but you are having a weekend off from the mundane caring tasks

Yeah, it's more there are always a load of friends in tow and just no peace. And I'd end up cooking etc as I'd find it hard to say no. Plus I think H would be pissed off as its "his" time.

Mine are the same age, 15 and 13, and their dad lives up the street from me, literally a two minute walk away. They pop back quite often, sometimes with friends, usually for things they've forgotten and occasionally with their dad in tow.

I don't cook for them though, and I am not the parent to ask things on a weekend. Want money to go to the cinema? Ask yer dad, you're on his time . It does impact my privacy, but if me and their dad were still together, they would be here 24/7 anyway.

I had eow when my parents divorced when I was little. By the time I got to 14 I basically just lived at home (mums) and then just popped into my dads and occasionally stay. I wanted to be in my bedroom etc as it just wsn't same at my dads.

But i used to meet him in the evenings for dinner sometimes (he would pick me up or I got bus) or I oils go over for the day on a sat afternoon or Sunday. I just phoned him and arranged things myself.

However both my parents were fine with this or if they weren't it was never mentioned.

Maybe I'm being selfish then just wanting some me time as he will obviously get this. I just sometimes need peace. Curling up in PJs for the day and then suddenly being invaded by teenage boys is not appealing. Least just now I know when they will be home etc. This would be just turning up out blue. Also what if I met someone in the future and wanted privacy. Guess I'm looking too far ahead!

I don't think you're selfish, I guess I'm just resigned to the fact that everyone has a key for my house and privacy aint a sure thing!

Guess the solution is to simply ask them to text if they popping by, then can quickly brush hair & hide the chocolate so they don't steal lol

I think its fair enough that if the kids are on a 'dad' weekend then they're based at his place and don't just pop into yours unannounced with mates in tow. When I was a kid and spend eow with my dad that's where I was based for 48 hours. If I had something to attend then dad took me/picked me up and then returned to his place afterwards. With kids the age of yours, and with the separation not completely ready to go ahead I can see complications though. When I was 16 I refused to do the eow thing any more and that was that. Mind you, I and my siblings had been doing it for almost 10 years by then, so it was a slightly different situation. Once a DC gets to 16, 17, 18 though its going to be hard to enforce a rule that states they must be based with their DF on certain, rigid days. I think it might work better if you're all able to be a bit flexible.

Thanks June, yes can see what you mean. Maybe I just have to say once every 3 weekends or so it's mums "me" time and they stay at dads

I don't think you are selfish at all. I do think when at dad's dad needs to sort it out though and shouldn't just be popping in. My kids have to take everything they need with them. If they forget things then they are allowed to come back to collect.