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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Separation agreement instead of divorce

20 replies

kitty982 · 30/07/2015 02:31

Hi, just wondering if anyone decided to wait for 2yrs separation (with a written agreement) instead of divorcing immediately & if there are any drawbacks to this instead of divorcing.
My husband wants to do this as he doesn't want to be divorced for unreasonable behaviour (he will give me more money & maintenance than I'm legally entitled to if I agree).
Just worried it may affect my benefits or something else I've not thought of if we only separate as opposed to divorce? I won't be remarrying in 2 years & that's only thing I can think of. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Northumberlandlass · 30/07/2015 06:16

I am officially separated rather than divorced. The main reason for us was the speed it took to sort out the financial aspect, it was amicable.

The solicitor drew up a separation agreement it documents the financial closure of the marriage, maintenance, protects my future assets, our savings, it also covered the financial aspect if me buying him out of our house. It is air tight.

DH left on NY eve and the separation agreement was signed in early May & it took that long for me to sort money to buy him out.

We will get divorced after 2 years & we will submit a copy of the separation agreement for the financial closure of the marriage.

I don't receive any benefits, but i can't imagine why the would be affected.

The separation agreement was cheaper than a divorce & i will proceed with the divorce without the use of solicitors in a couple of years.

Not sure if this helps! any questions, just ask x

bella1968 · 30/07/2015 09:41

hi kitty I guess it depends upon whether he is amicable or not / your financial situation / age of children etc.

You need to make sure that you and children are protected against everything, my experience is with a nasty abusive man, if you and your h are amicable you may well have no need to involve solicitors, however 1 free visit would be advisable just so you know your rights ok.

good luck

Original poster

kitty982 · 30/07/2015 12:31

Thanks Northumberland lass. Yes, it shld be amicable. Will bear in mind cost to formally separate plus in 2yrs cost for divorce (& hopefully get him to pay costs when we come to divorce as he wants to do it this way).

Hi Bella, I am pregnant & have a 1yo. It is amicable (well I am acting that way anyway, don't feel it!). He has agreed to be ok about money (but as maintenance is more than I'm legally entitled to I expect he can reduce it later regardless of what's written down now). Sorry to hear u had a bad time. He is a dickhead but at least not truly abusive. I don't trust him tho. He is a lawyer so I will def see one too! Thanks

OP posts:

scottpinkston · 01/08/2015 10:30

It is not always necessary to hire a lawyer for taking a decision if you think you are capable of taking the decision then go further. But first you have see your and children's security. If there is some property disputes then that time you can consult www.mwfloridalaw.com/foreign-real-estate-investment/.

SilverBirchWithout · 01/08/2015 10:39

As he is a lawyer I would recommend being pretty cautious that this "amicable" separation arrangement is more advantageous to him. It is imperative that you obtain your own independent legal advice.

Have all his assets been included in the financial discussion, such as his pension pot, have you reduced your career options when becoming a parent?

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 10:40

Just a different viewpoint, my STBXH wanted to go down the "legal separation" route initially. He told me this the day after he left (which was a complete shock and I didn't see it coming). He then uttered these immortal words "it is because should I meet somebody say in a year's time, you can't accuse me of adultery". I asked him why on earth that was his priority having just walked out on the children and I and he wouldn't discuss it. There was indeed an OW, hell bent on not being dragged into our divorce. Ultimately, she was. I went down the adultery route.

You don't need a formal separation agreement to go through two years separation. Have you asked him why he wants this? I would most definitely take some legal advice before you agree to this. You could also have a look on Wikivorce which is a very useful resource. I ended up having to conduct my own Ancillary Relief Proceedings, which was very stressful and not quite at an end yet. You really do need to take some advice. Good luck

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 10:41

What SilverBirch said....!!!! Please be hugely cautious about this...!

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 10:43

He's a lawyer and left you on benefits?! I have just spotted that!!!! My God, you really need a solicitor my love. Please please don't agree to anything until you have sought independent legal advice. I am sorry for three posts in a row, I should have read thread properly from the beginning. He knows exactly what he's doing....

Original poster

kitty982 · 01/08/2015 20:06

Hi,

Thanks for ur responses.

Means a lot as had v bad day w STBXH letting me down w looking after baby for a few hrs as I'm v tired from pregnancy & generally being a dick.
Killing me having to live in this house w him & not lose my rag (too much) in order to keep him sweet-ish & get enough money off him. Feel so trapped.

We have only been together 6 years (married 4) so I think I have little claim on his pension. What he is offering is about 60% assets (I came into relationship w way less than him) & dbl the maintenance I'm entitlrd to. Agreement is for purpose of putting all this in writing so I can buy house asap & he can get contact w children down in writing. He can't bear any blame (ever, in terms of anything) hence why wants 'no fault' divorce. I think I cldn't care less if another woman, doubt it tho.

I will be seeing a lawyer but one I thought I had just gone off for 3 wks (& want to get move on due to pregnancy & STBXH being awful, awful, awful to live with), think I need to find new one.

I thought child maintenance doesn't count re your benefit entitlement?

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 20:25

Kitty, no it doesn't re : benefits. However, I'd want to know why the fuck a high earner is leaving his pregnant wife on benefits...its outrageous. Of course he wants this sorted all "no fault", of course he does, poor lamb, but it doesn't really work like that.

Please don't wait for three weeks. Make appointments with various solicitors until you find one who ticks all your boxes. Please don't assume a short marriage means you are entitled to this, that or the other, or not as you seem to believe. You've got two almost small dependents. It is not up to your STBXH to dictate the terms, it really isn't. Make no decisions until you have sought legal advice, please.

Please excuse my language, but he sounds like an absolute cunt.

Original poster

kitty982 · 01/08/2015 20:51

like your style, made me laugh (thank u) true enough!
Problem is he can dictate terms if I want the money he's offering. I will check w solicitor but pretty sure what I'm legally entitled to is way, way less.
Got to get through 15wkends w him & in same house as him (don't really see him during wk) then baby comes & my Mum comes to stay & then a month or so later we move far away (which though it has its own multiple problems will be a bloody dream compared to this). 15 weekends I just have to get through. Thought is so horrible & feels un-doable but I know not long really. Gulp.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 21:16

It's no undo-able darling, I promise, I've been through some shit and come out of the other side. Please don't assume in terms of "settlement". I ended up with 100% of the marital assets, rare as hens teeth...and I represented myself...so don't be disheartened. I can also promise you, he does not in any way "dictate" terms...he is mistaken if he thinks he does. You have to get this done through solicitors and the court if necessary. I am sorry, I am a cynical bugger now...been there, seen it, done it and I am not even that old...I have a four year old.

Please don't agree to the legal separation for now. There is most definitely an agenda behind that. Take it from me...

15 weeks isn't that long, it will fly by. Please keep posting xx

SilverBirchWithout · 01/08/2015 23:29

As Mrs C says don't assume "only 6 years" and what you brought with you is the main factor in any settlement. With 2 dependent children your future earning power (& pension provision) may potentially be compromised, that is why formal divorce settlements normally take this into account.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 23:34

Indeed Silver and this is exactly why Kitty's twunt is insisting on a formal separation agreement. Its all fine, she's got the good ladies of Mumsnet to guide her...hopefully she'll take us up on that..

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 23:34

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/08/2015 23:35

Sorry! Posted three times by mistake!!

VelmaD · 01/08/2015 23:40

You don't need anything like an agreement to claim single person benefits. I was separated for 4.5 years before my divorce - council, tax credits etc were happy with me just ringing and saying I had separated. My divorce 4.5 years later was actually on the grounds of desertion, which I did myself and was apparently very unusual. Don't agree to anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Original poster

kitty982 · 02/08/2015 20:06

Thanks for all the replies, is v heartening. Forgot I have a phone appt w a lawyer (in area where we plan to move) on Wed so will run all this past him, esp separation agreement. May even get balls to say screw the promised £ & start to divorce him (this would be a v red rag to a bull tho).

My STBXH stayed at his mates last night (as well as all day yest) w/out saying & is still not back. Which meant I cldn't take my little one to swimming lesson (or get any help as I had been promised). He just sent rude text saying back at 9pm. So angry re this (esp re him having fun wkend while I do all childcare, w no notice & through hard pregnancy) & other bits that have locked him out tonight. Have told him this & he has got places to stay but worried about his reaction (not violence but will be v v v angry as needs suit, briefcase etc). Told him he can take day off work tmrw. Have turned doorbell off & will (try to) go to sleep soon. Arrgh maybe I am crazy to do this but he will be so angry by now I am scared to let him in too. I know I am prob technically in wrong re this but hey ho he has to get some consequences too.

OP posts:

larasongfield · 03/08/2015 15:42

Was reading this thread and similar as I'm looking for pointers on my own separation. However, felt compelled to post (for the first time). I hope you're ok, Kitty. Sounds like a terrible situation and so difficult doing all the childcare. I really hope you get some good fortune today, even if it's just 10 minutes peace and a bit of cake.

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