My DD is so angry with me.

[Sweetsecret]

Hi, three months ago my H left me and my two DC'S, he has been in regular contact with them and at first it seemed they were dealing with it okay.
Recently my DD (5) is just acting so angry towards me, in her eyes I do everything wrong.
She obviously misses her dad, but he anger is aimed at me obviously because I am with her all the time.
I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to help her, no matter how much I reassure her and support her, she just hates me. any advice or anyone who has dealt with this would be much appreciated.

Hello,

No experience sorry, as I'm at the start of all this and I'm working on getting my H out.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this horrible position and that your DD is suffering. I'm sure you know deep down that she doesn't hate you but is scared and confused and sad because of this sudden change in her world.

How old is your other child? How are they coping?

What is communication like between you and her Dad? Indeed, does she have regular contact with her Dad? If possible I guess you ought to try and discuss this with him so he can talk to her maybe.

You don't mention yourself at all in any of this, but I hope you are ok and coping with all of this .

You know, don't you, that she doesn't hate you? Actually you are the only person in the world she trusts enough to be angry with.

The other person in her world that she trusted implicitly to love her unconditionally has abandoned her (she feels). She can't show him her anger or frustration because she fears she may push him even further away. So you get the brunt of her emotion. You are her pressure valve.

It shows you are the person she knows deep down will still love her and be there for her even when she's behaving horribly to you.

If she can't be nice to you at the moment, I hope you are being nice to yourself.

Thanks everyone, I am coping just with all of this. I am obviously devastated and I am trying my very hardest to keep it all together for the kids.
my H and I are able to get along well, no malice or anything.
I don't know how long it will last for as I am starting to feel the strain of being on my own with the kids.
I just wish she didn't feel like this, I went through this when I was her age with my parents so I know exactly how she feels, but for some reason it isn't helping me in anyway in helping her.

sorry forgot to answer my other child is 2, so doesn't really notice what's happening. x

I went through this with DC1 when I left his father - he was 8, and it took a while. It's awful to have to cope with, on top of the devastation you'll already be feeling, but it will pass. Three months is early days. And remember she's not angry with you, she's angry with the situation. It will become more normal to her soon enough, and the anger will fade.

Just a thought, is the dad telling her that its your fault that you split or similar?

I agree with PP, she's angry with you as she is secure in your love, its a backhanded compliment. Plus we are getting towards the summer holidays & the little ones are tired & getting hot & bothered which doesn't help.

It will pass xx

No her dad isn't a bad guy at all, so he hasn't said anything like that to her. if anything he has been very supportive.
My heartbreaks for her so much.

Is there anyone at school she could talk to - someone like a Pastoral Assistant? It might be worth asking. I'm sure this will just become the new normal for her quickly enough, but if there was someone with experience of having a quiet chat to children who have been through separation it might help.

I know she has spoken to her teacher about it, as her teacher emailed me to say she had been opening up to her.
Which is good. They have a family support worker at the school so I may have chat with her before we break up for the holidays just to see if she can help in anyway.
I do hope it gets better for her soon. I appreciate all your responses. it's such a difficult time anyway, and sometimes she looks at me with such hate in her eyes, it's quite difficult to handle at times.
She keeps asking me to pretend she is a baby and cuddle her like a baby. she is just feeling so lost poor little thing.

Its been about 3 months since I split with my H - DD is 9 and stays with her Dad and his family at weekends, she loves him a lot and is sad about our situation.

She opened up to me last night and said that she loves her Dad more than me, I was sad but I understand - I said I still loved her as much as ever and always will.

I'm worried that she will want to stay with him full time when he gets his house and is sorted :(

Hi sweetsecret. So sorry for your situation. I had similar. My youngest was just 6 I mean just as in a week! So similar age. She used to say to me why cant you make friends with daddy so he can come home and other things along those lines. I think in their little eyes the parent who has left was made to leave. Now I don't know your situation but I think you put he left you? We didn't tell our dcs why daddy left, it was his choice as we I believe rightly didn't think this was anything they needed to know. But in the end I had to speak to him and ask him to talk with her about the fact he left and not that I made him.

it might be your ex needs to do similar. Without telling them all the details just a enough for them to understand the basics. I hope that makes sense.

It does get better as they get used to the situation or at least that's what I've found it to be. It helps if parenting can be consistent and that they see you being amicable and United on parenting issues.