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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Stbxh has completely dumped his kids.

26 replies

Confusedfuzz · 21/05/2015 22:36

Stbxh has no interest in the dc at all. And it breaks my heart! I have tried everything to get him involved, but he isn't interested! He never asks to see them, asks about them ECT. How can he just disappear on them so easily?! Especially after being in their lives until recently.

Dd adored her dad. And now I'm picking up the pieces of her heartbreak. shes 7! DS is 5!

Please tell me he isn't the only shitty dad after marriage breakup?

OP posts:
Goodbetterbest · 21/05/2015 23:08

Seems to be fairly standard behaviour sadly. XH will swan in a say hello sometimes. But only when he is passing or has nothing better to do. I have many friends whose X-partners also walk away.

I think they just shut that bit down.

Original poster
Confusedfuzz · 21/05/2015 23:12

Thing that makes me the most angry is he has a new gf who he sees three times a week and who has 3 kids!

OP posts:
mrsdavidbowie · 22/05/2015 22:24

Ex h told mine that he was no longer their parent following our divorce.
Nice.

TheDeafeningClatterofDuplo · 22/05/2015 22:35

Pretty common. My DDad remarried when I was 11 and DSM (who had kids of her own and then more with DDad) then spent the next 6 years bullying me - honestly, these days it makes my blood boil but what's the point, I don't think about it. Haven't lived at home since then and these days I don't see much of him.

DDad only sees his DC from second family. I have two DC and he has only ever visited once to see his DGC (admittedly from abroad but all his first family DC live here) and he doesn't answer my emails either (though retired and not that busy). I was 4 when he left.

I think a lot of fathers lose interest in DC pretty quickly and actually there was 50/50 custody which was a bit unusual back then - because my DM really wanted us to have the relationship with our father that she never had...

Muddlewitch · 22/05/2015 22:49

My ex did this too. Told me that it was 'all or nothing' and that if I went he would not bother with them (I left because he cheated!) I didn't think at the time he would really do it but he hasn't seen them for three years, I have tried to get him to.

It is horrible but they have you and you are enough, your love is enough, he is the one who will lose long term.

Goodbetterbest · 23/05/2015 08:58

It is quite unbelievable that parents treat their children in this way.

I can only assume that they are, as XH said to me 'wired differently'.

Wired to be twats.

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 11:50

In the process of divorcing a Narc.

He sees the dc EOW in order to prop up his fragile self-image as a Great Dad.

I need him to do this because I work EOW: but it feels like collusion with a Narc rather than 'facilitating their relationship'.

He will not so much as make dd1 a packed lunch, never mind call or text them or attend concerts or pick them up from activities. He would never actively 'request' time with them. These are the things that make a person A Parent. He lives 1 mile up the road.

I would be happier actually if he just fucked off to the far side of fuck. Or died.

PeruvianFoodLover · 23/05/2015 11:55

Is it really that common? Or, are the majority of dads good parents whose DCs are happy?

I know the OPs stbEx is a crap parent, but I don't think it helps to say that it's "pretty common" or "standard behaviour". Most dads are decent and loving.

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 12:25

At risk of oversimplifying, I reckon men fall into two camps, post separation:

I think men who are decent, worry and fret about 'how to do the right thing by the kids' after a marriage ends, and spend energy in finding ways to still be a parent
to their dc. My friend, who works as a counsellor, says this is the case.

The men who simply are not decent, capable, or worthy, by contrast, just step back and claim they are a victim of circumstance.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/05/2015 12:32

" The men who simply are not decent, capable, or worthy, by contrast, just step back and claim they are a victim of circumstance. "

yes like my ex. IN addition I would add 'weak and essentially lazy'.
It is so much easier to tell people 'the bitch of an ex prevents me from seeing them' than actually stepping up and making some effort.
fucking wankers.

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 12:41

Very true Sunny

I often marvel at the idea of how different a story my Narc ex must paint to his gf re his relationship with his dc. It must be based on pure fantasy.

I imagine him 1 mile up the road, at the pub, sobbing into his pint during one of his his 14 child-free days on the trot, where he hasn't though to get in touch, imploring 'if only she would let me see them -waaaaaaaah'

Arsehole

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/05/2015 12:43

high five handywoman!!

Muddlewitch · 23/05/2015 15:59

I think you have it there, Handywoman.

PeruvianFoodLover · 23/05/2015 16:12

Hmm, not sure I'd include lazy, tbh - the men who fail their DCs obviously made at least some effort when they were a husband/partner, otherwise they wouldn't be dads in the first place.

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 21:16

Yes but wrt to the role of a father, I would describe my vstbxh as:

  1. lazy
  2. unimaginitive

And the lazy bit seems to kick in as a form of low-level resentment at not being the focus of a woman's attention any more.

So although it may not be there from the start of a relationship, these crap dads are definitely lazy.

Devora · 23/05/2015 21:24

I certainly wouldn't say it was standard, but it does seem to happen chillingly often. I know separated dads whose lives revolve around their children, and then there's the others... My own dad completely didn't want to know. He left when I was a baby - one of 3 - and we never got one birthday card, christmas card, let alone financial support. He occasionally popped in (when I say, occasionally, probably once a year at most) but only really talked to my mum. I remember a couple of occasions when she persuaded him to make an arrangement to take us to the cinema - great excitement - but he didn't turn up. And yet he walked past the end of our street every single Sunday, on his way to lunch with his sister.

I cannot get my head round it. I'm more involved with my cousins' children, and my friends' children, than that!

Pantone363 · 23/05/2015 21:27

My ex did it gradually

First year he saw them all the time. Called every night, actively sought out time with them. Paid over the odds maintenance.

Second year, down to two nights a week, occasional calls, still attended all school stuff. Maintenance down to standard.

Third year (new girlfriend): sees them the minimum he can. Farms half of that time out to his mum under the guise of contact with her. Never calls outside of contact. Needs reminding every week to pay money or it wouldn't arrive.

Can't wait for next year Hmm

Newbrummie · 27/05/2015 22:32

I think the people that we are divorcing, ie cheats, narcissists, unreasonable are by their very nature likely to behave this way otherwise we'd still be married to them wouldn't we

Cabrinha · 28/05/2015 00:17

My XH has our child quite a lot in the week because I travel for work. 5 nights in 14, or 5 in 21 depending if I'm on a 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 travel pattern.

But... He never asked for her at the weekend. Until he girlfriend. So 8 months of not asking for her, then he starts - so he can look like Good Dad to the GF, and also it's handy cos she has a similarly aged daughter - so it entertains her.

In case I sound bitter and twisting the facts, they split up, and he stopped asking for her. Then got back together and he asked again.

From the outside, because of my work forcing it, he sees her a reasonable amount. I have no doubt that if I didn't travel and he didn't have a GF with a child, he'd do one night a week only.

Main reason with him, is he's lazy and unimaginative. It's hard work entertaining a child. Though he barely knows that Hmm

Cabrinha · 28/05/2015 00:20

Oh and then there was the night recently when she'd been ill all weekend, hadn't seen him for a week, and said she was missing him. I texted to explain that and asked if she could go to him that night. He said sorry, but he had to work. In 8 years with him he never once worked in the evening. And I happen to know he'd tried to book a prostitute that night (don't know if booking was confirmed, but I expect so).

He'd turn down a few hours with an unwell child who is missing him and has asked to see him, rather than re book a fuck. Nice man EnvyAngry

Handywoman · 28/05/2015 09:32

Yes NewBrummie you are absolutely right.

Just received the draft divorce papers - hooray! Grin

Newbrummie · 28/05/2015 10:21

I'm doing the same, have decided I don't care if I have to sell a kidney to pay for a solicitor

Allthefours · 28/05/2015 10:42

It's sadly more common than it should be. My exH saw the 3 DC every week for a few months after we split, then he met his now wife, contact reduced to once a fortnight, then he started messing around with maintenance and writing rubber cheques so I had to get the CSA involved. Contacted reduced to monthly at this point. He last saw the DC on Christmas eve 2006, DD was 6 and DS's were 11 and 9 (we split in Feb 2006). I still continue to pursue maintenance via the CSA but that's more hassle than it's worth.

He remarried less than a year of meeting his new woman and I suspect half of the reason for No contact is down to her, the other half is because he is a bitter and twisted arsehole and likes to use the children to get at me. The DC once told me that he said to them that he would never have them Overnight because he didn't want to give me a break! Why I was married to Him for 10 years still baffles me!

But now, I wouldn't change things, I don't have to deal with him, speak to Him or have any contact. My beautiful children are mine and I have brought them Up to be the wonderful young adults they now are (they are now 20. 18, 15). I will take credit for that not him!

HenriettaBarnet · 31/05/2015 08:46

yes mine seems happy to see his children once a week and he has reduced those hours to about 4 hours now. It's like he doesn't really want to see them at all.

Every week I try to persuade him to see them more in the week.

He has told my friends that "he needs his own life too" - it seems I'm the only one putting the children first.

It's a bit odd really because he really was the most devoted dad before.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 31/05/2015 08:58

My ex saw my DS a handful of times because I nagged him to. I stopped nagging and he didn't bother.

It really made me cross because when we split, he took my DS's bed and everything out of his room and has never had him overnight since we split.

He was a NRP when I met him and had his daughter every other weekend but moaned constantly about having no time to himself and hardly sees her now.

My DS hasn't seen his father for 15 months.

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