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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Mediation tomorrow - hand holding?

10 replies

DottyStripes · 18/05/2015 19:34

Not sure what to expect

It's the first time I will see DH in 6 months

Don't even know wtf I want to acheive out of this... Any tips for what to expect?

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 18/05/2015 21:51

Hi there, I had my 5/6 session today.

First session we went through the assets etc. It's helpful if you know exactly what you are dealing with - incomings, outgoings, capital, debts.

For mediation it is about solutions. It's not therapy, it's not blaming, it's about moving on and finding a path. It's led and guided but you are not told what to do.

Original poster

DottyStripes · 18/05/2015 22:12

I don't really know what there is for us to talk about - no assets whatsoever.

I'm just clueless how a man who claims to love his DC could not see DC for 6 months - having found a problem with every opportunity offered, DH even acknowledges his home is unsuitable (for reasons I don't want to disclose) for regular long term contact arrangements but there were many, many offered... Soft play, contact centres, relatives, our home and Id go out) And yet I assume he thinks mediation will have a magical solution...

He pays his maintenance fine so no issues to resolve there, though I am stinking mad that he doesn't see that he's not providing the life we agreed on when we chose to have a child - SAHM was meant to be a choice we made and I'm forced out of that unless I rely on benefits

I don't even know what I did that was so awful that made him just up and leave our lives according to others - no OW

I'm not going to get any answers am I? What's the point in this?

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 18/05/2015 23:03

I think you have to go through mediation to satisfy the process - at least one session so you can be signed off.

You can get what has been agreed financially so far down on paper and have the court rubber stamp it. Maybe that's the value here?

It's not therapy so no, I don't think you will get any answers. I guess it will be a step along the process for you.

I'm sorry I can't help you, but good luck with it.

Original poster

DottyStripes · 18/05/2015 23:15

Thanks, you have helped, think I am just a bit wound up fretting over it and venting somewhat, sorry

I just don't understand it because technically we've been seperated several years, Amicably for the most part then working on getting back together then suddenly off he trots from our lives.

But for the courts - I think we've been split long enough to be able to straight divorce if that was his agenda?

Be a damn sight cheaper too!

Oh well.

Is there any dress code to these things btw?

Should I be prepared for tears or will it be matter of fact enough that emotion won't come into the room? I'm going to be shook at seeing him I think

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 18/05/2015 23:40

It's helpful in that you can agree the court order. I don't think it helps with the divorce process (other than to say you have tried it which is what the courts want now). Maybe that's why?

I started off very composed and friendly with XH. As the process moved on I get increasingly upset and angry. Ours is going on too long so I now have taken legal advice and have a solicitor on board.

Don't worry about dress code. We're in there for a minimum of two hours. Take tissues just in case. They aren't interested in pulling you apart; they just want a fair resolution for both of you.

Good luck.

Original poster

DottyStripes · 19/05/2015 00:05

Thanks, I shall go armed with waterproof mascara and tissues and probably try to meditate or something beforehand to find my inner calm as much as is possible.

So nervous now! Must try and sleep I guess

OP posts:

Original poster

DottyStripes · 19/05/2015 14:50

So nervous. He's in the room now, I'm waiting outside trying to strain to hear what he's saying but can't hear a thing really

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 19/05/2015 19:58

Hi Dotty, I was wondering how did it go today?

Original poster

DottyStripes · 19/05/2015 20:13

I feel really down tbh the mediator seemed to be trying to get me to "be understanding" of him taking time out from being a father FFS a day off or some time out now and then I long for myself doing it solo but never in a million years would it be acceptable for me to quit being mummy or seeing my DC for several weeks to months in one lump go. DH has an illness..., so do I though! But so bloody sexist that men get more sympathy for their illness and a woman must carry on regardless (I would anyhow, but flabbergasted at the mediator telling me to empathise with DH when Iv just told him how it's badly affecting DC that he just walked out and doesn't see at all

I can never be understanding of that - not after years of fertility treatment and a very wanted, expected child, he completely knew what he was getting into!

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 20/05/2015 06:29

I'm sorry. It's hard going isn't it? But it's not therapy so I don't really understand what your XH wants to achieve with mediation?

Did you discuss a way forward and will you have another session or is it signed off now?

I'm with you - how can they choose to leave their kids is beyond me. My XH threw it all away for the thrill of the chase, his ego and some sex with prostitutes thrown in for good measure. I'll never understand how he could think so little of his children and his life with them.

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