The Amicable Divorce - has anyone actually managed to do this?

[gessami]

So I'm considering divorce/ separation. But I really want to do it peacefully. I can't put the DC through any more heartache.

H cheated on me. We have been trying to save the marriage, but I'm starting to think it's not going to work.

We have 3 wonderful DC who have already suffered a lot of upheaval over the last year. How do we do this without it turning ugly?

Has anyone managed it?

Mediation is going well for us.

But I am very tolerant and not pointing the finger and blaming XH for his cheating.

It's all very nice up to a point, but I think it's going to get tricky now I've had legal advice and his expectations are way out. I'm going for a much bigger split of equity in the house, and am going to insist on proper child access so he has to have his children once a month at least, which will be a massive inconvenience for him I sure.

How does mediation work? We tried 'the talk' but it just ended up with Bunfight, going over the same old stuff.

Oh balls. Sorry for the hijack OP I misread and thought you had posted about mediation. Sorry

thank you.

I'm hoping assets won't be too much of a problem. we have way more than I need, so there should be plenty to go round.

but I guess we should tackle it first anyway.

I suppose I'm most worried about the effect on the kids. I'll have a look at that book.

Not sure about amicable but we managed to keep communication open remained civil.

Couple counselling (Relate) can help prevent bunfights in front of the children. Most people think couple counselling is to mend the relationship, but it can help couples readjust and communicate positively so they can separate with dignity too. Once both parties have readjusted to the emotional realties of divorce it's more likely constructive progress with arrangements for finances and children can be made more quickly.

Mediation is different from counselling. The aim is to go through the finances and arrangements for children together with the help of a mediator to find a practical way forward that can work for all the family.

STIDW did it help to ease the kids through? i want it to have the minimum possible impact on them.

I made it amicable.

I told the children they had no choice - they would stay with me and see their dad (who would be living with the OW) whenever they wanted, whether that was in the middle of the night or for a month in the summer (neither of these things happened)

I told the children that the OW was lovely, that she was good fun and loved children. I hadn't met her and still haven't.

I told them that they had two parents who were always there for them - whether that was when they were young or at graduation or at their wedding or whenever - both of us would be there for them, no arguments, no bad feeling.

It was REALLY hard, but doable.

I think you're a better person than me imperial! that sounds really really hard. but it worked. well done

STIDW did it help to ease the kids through? i want it to have the minimum possible impact on them.

Its well documented that high levels of ongoing conflict between separated parents is associated with poor long term outcomes for children. Children who are insecure about their natural parents tend to grow up with low self esteem. If communication between parents is distorted children cannot learn from example how to reconcile differences or communicate positively. Lack of self esteem and poor communication tends to lead to emotional and behavioural problems later such as teenage pregnancy and dysfunctional adulthood relationships.

The evidence is counselling helps couples to work through their separation so that they have a more realistic view of the relationship breakdown and conflict is avoided or reduced to a minimum. When there is empathy and understanding communication is positive and problems can be resolved constructively. If there is no empathy or understanding communication is distorted and problems can't be resolved positively. So yes counselling can indirectly benefit children enormously.

In answer to the original post and having not only been through a divorce but seeing others go through it, I simply don't believe that a truly amicable divorce is possible.
I've been split from my ex wife for two years and divorced for 7 months and it is still incredibly acrimonious. That is of course due to both of us, I'm not saying I'm a saint and she's the one that's totally in the wrong. There has been no proper closure and still lots of negative emotions swirling around. Though sometimes we get to a point where there is a tentative truce but something invariably happens that unleashes everything again. And that's a cycle I see with many of my divorced friends sadly.

I tried...I emotionally distanced myself from him and was very bright and breezy, whereas he was "woe is me" and "mum has kicked me out".
He is the one sending nasty snidy texts and telling dcs that he is not their parent anymore.
But they see through him.

We had horrid acrimonious divorce. X didn't think I had the right to leave him, and he was angry for a long time. I had to reduce contact to email only, and all handovers were done via school to minimize contact and so on.

After 2-3 years, things started to really calm down. I realized that I wasn't being fair to him in some ways, and he improved his behaviour massively. We now chat for around 1 hour a week - updating him on kids, discussing best ways forward etc. We agree shared strategies for the kids, and (as much as you can!) stick to them.

Just wanted you to know that even when it's bad, it can still improve and get to a place where you all work together on child-rearing. We've genuinely worked really well for the last 3 years. To the point where I offered the spare room to him and his new wife, so they could afford to sell up and move house, rather than having to run 2 households when they got jobs in a different city.

(Obviously, this only works if both parties want what's best for the kids - if your X insists on being an arse there is nothing you can do about it)

thanks for the advice everyone.

good to know that it can be done!