Ex-H unfair, childcare arrangements = no weekends or hols

[StrawberryYogs]

Hi All, please share your thoughts and advice on this. Ex-H won't budge on childcare arrangements so I don't get weekends off to have a social life or personal space.

I divorced my ex-H 7 years ago. There was honour based domestic violence in the marriage - he's inflexible and manipulative and comes from a male dominated family culture. I divorced him when ds was 9 y/o. I arranged a mediator and we agreed maintenance so that I have custody/primary care. I have ds from Tue-Sat and ex-H has Sun-Mon. At the time, this worked, but circumstances have changed and I want to review it. I want to keep the 5 days/2 days arrangement but get a full weekend to myself every other week.

Ds is supposed to leave after breakfast on Sundays but he exacerbates my downtime by faffing around, getting up late and being immature and silly until before finally leaving at 5 or 6pm. I end up not having a proper break over the weekend and the teenage arguments with ds wear me down. There's issues with ds too but I'd have more patience if I could have some space.

Ex-H won't even discuss alternating weekends. He taunts, teases, laughs, swears or just hangs up. Every year, he goes away for about 6-8 weeks at a time to India but refuses to let me have breaks because he knows I can't afford holidays, "If you aren't going anywhere why can't you be a mother and look after your child, why do you need breaks?" I'm not joking.

I have depression and I'm on meds - warring with my ex-H usually makes me ill and he relies on this because he knows I have to hold down my job. But I rung a mediator today, who emailed ex-H mediation details. Ex-H rang me about it and we had another row and answer was no, but I could tell he was scared (authority/officialdom always scares him because he can't play manipulation games). I'll let him digest it. But are there any other agencies or organisations that can give me practical advice or help me negotiate? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks a lot.

If I see this right DS is 16 years old, that's quite old to have a regulated contact pattern - what does your DS want to do?

Be careful with mediation when there is a history of abuse, my stbdh went for mediation as his ex was being very difficult. He made the mediator aware of the abuse he went through from his ex, just to let them be aware with what he was dealing with. I think just the awareness helped him to be able to communicate with ex.

You don't have to agree in mediation, you can can go through the courts and the judge will sort things out. You are entitled to have free time for yourself on a weekend night, most judges would rule this.

Stand strong against his arseholery, make sure communication is done by email, from a separate account if need be and block all other communication routes.

This man is a nasty person, he has no right to abuse you.

Ps your ds is 16? Then he gets to have a say in things too

What does your son want to do? He is 16, unfortunately too old to be forced to leave early on Sunday if he doesn't want to. Teenagers don't like getting up! I appreciate you want a break but at your son's age it's not like you need to keep any eye on him, keep him entertained, feed him etc as you would with small children. I have two teenagers and, while I like having the house to myself, I don't exactly resent them being in the house all the time either! If your son is now 16, surely you can go out anyway and leave him at home, it's not as if he needs babysitting and in a few years time he will be working/at uni/leaving home anyway?

Mutton C - I think new arrangement would work well bcuz ds is more attached to his dad because of male bonding/interests - ds doesn't want to be so close with me in last couple of years - he's drifted away a bit. The 5/2 day plan would be the same, but the days of the week would change.

Unexpected - I don't resent being with my son, that's your word. But you're focussing on the wrong area and basically saying, hey that's life, do what I do. I need some respite and I want to get a handle on things, I'm near to breaking down about everything that's happened to me and I don't want to be off work with stress - I've got job problems too and I'm trying to leave. Depression makes things worse. The point is that ex isn't making effort to spend any weekends at all with his ds and I want to change that.

PToybox - when we had mediation 7 years back, I raised the abuse in the 1-1 session beforehand and it went ok. Then, in the session ex behaved threateningly and aggressively towards me in front of mediator which supported my side of the story about the abuse.

The short answer is you can't make your husband do anything and your DS is old enough to stay at home at weekends and not choose to go to his dad's.

Trying to make your ex do anything is causing you horrible stress, him knowing that you're struggling/crying/having work problems all just gives him ammunition to have more control and be involved in your life. His laughing and taunting you must be unbearable after all this time - but you're the one giving him the power to do it.

I think you should drop ever speaking to your ex and instead post about the problems you have with your teenage son on the teenagers board. I foster teenagers and its hell with teenagers sometimes.

It might make you feel better to gain some control and block your ex. I note that your son is trying to run rings round you too - he's not leaving til 6 at night? He doesn't want to go or he may see how your ex manipulates you and wants to do it too?

If you stop making him go or even talking to him about it and go out yourself you may find he goes over there earlier - or you may find your ex contacts him.

You need to change the dynamic entirely. You absolutely need a break - I go out all the time when they're trying it on - sometimes taking the router and my valuables with me depending on how much theyre trying to challenge. I've gone to the cinema and turned my phone off so they can't contact me or try to start arguments over text.

I really feel for you but you're getting your ass kicked by both of them and you're going to have to try really hard and have very good boundaries to get control back.

If it was me I would say all contact is to be arranged between the two of them now. And separately decide what the rules are in your house - and enforce them. If you make it a bit more strict in your house maybe your son will bugger off to your exs more.

He's 16, so leave the house whenever you like - even overnight if you want. I do empathise with being the sole carer, my son's Dad never has him at all so I do it all as well as working full time and with no maintenance payments ever. Much younger my lad is,so some years to go before full independence, could not manage to have a life without family help, so lucky there. Your son is not far off adulthood, so treat him like one and have nothing to do with arranging things between his father and him. Either your son sorts it or it doesn't happen, you can still do your own thing regardless and step away from the stress

LaurieFC: Thanks for your advice. Useful advice. I realise that I've made it sound like I argue constantly with ex about this matter, but it's only about 3 or 4 times a year but it happened yesterday and I was boiling. It's something to do with the abuse I went through with him, but when we argue my blood pressure goes through the roof and I just burn about everything that he's ever done to me and I was in that mood when I posted yesterday.

I don't think it's a good idea never to talk to my ex. Or do you mean just never talk about this particular subject? Never talking at all would feel childish to me. "Mum doesn't talk to Dad" doesn't fit me, it would seem sulky and precious and I can't see how this could be a good example to ds.

I do have very brief communications with ex about practical matters because ds is incommunicado with me most of the time. Sad thing is that ds doesn't answer my texts and or his mobile, but .... it's the opposite with his dad - no problems with mobiles and texts and communications there.

I will go on the teenagers board, thank, the relationship between us needs re-building and it's got complicated. Ex is very manipulative and he always likes to influence people so he will definitely said a lot of bad things about me to ds.

You say: decide what the rules are in your house - and enforce them. I don't know how to do that, enforcing them was the problem, the Sunday boundary was a complete fail! What would you suggest?

Smorgasbord - thanks.

"Your son is not far off adulthood, so treat him like one and have nothing to do with arranging things between his father and him. Either your son sorts it or it doesn't happen, you can still do your own thing regardless and step away from the stress."

That's really helpful and sensible and philosophical! Thank you.

Unexpected - sorry I was a snappy with you earlier, you were being practical and I was too emotional. I do need to sort out issues with ds as well, you're right.

I think you are right about focusing on the relationship between your Ds and yourself.

You can go out ..You don't need to be at home..Getting out will make you feel better.

Is there someway to connect with your DS? it may need to be on his terms whether playing a computer game or something else he enjoys.

As for your ex...Yes you do need to start not esp discussing anything...Any maintenance will stop soon and DS is old enough to sort out contact.

Although you may need support for what he has done in the past I really don't think he is the problem that needs resolving here

"Mum doesn't talk to Dad" doesn't fit me, it would seem sulky and precious and I can't see how this could be a good example to ds."

I think you should see the ability to decide when and if to talk to your ex as a lesdon to your DS that you have right to decide when enough is enough. Not allowing to be taunted by ex is sign of strength not weakness!
Ex is making your life miserable. You have right to decide that someone who is abusive is prevented from upsetting you.

Maybe your DS doesn't really want to dpend much timecwith his fater as well.

Is less than 2 years and DS will be an adult anyway and you won't have to worry about their contact days any more!

crimsonh - I'm not in any way defending my ex here but what's wrong with being polite and courteous and let that be an example to ex about how he should behave .... and an example to ds too ....

I was up late last night so I'm shattered today, so will call it a night and come back to this tomorrow. Goodnight

IMHO nothing wrong with saying "Unless you are talking to me politely I am putting phone down" if changes the tone then you can discuss things othervise put the phone down.

I've done it with my ex, when they realise that they stop having power over you they become more civilized.

The only contact I have with my XH is by email and I check the account he sends to once a week. It took a lot of persistent 'please do not pressure/harass/bully me' to get him to stop pushing and being aggressive; still at hand overs he push, push, pushes.

You do have the right to stop contact with someone who upsets you, and you know from years of experience that this man is very unpleasant.

To be honest, i would be glad my DS was not rushing out the door to be with him - sounds like your son already has learnt too much about disrespecting you from him! As previous posters have said, your son is 16, he lives with you most of the time, so the focus is on making that work so that you can be happy regardless of the day of the week.

Does your DS behaviour remind you of your XH?

Your situation sounds very tiresome op. I do think working on building your relationship with your son is priority. Communication only via email/ text with your ex means he is less likely to be abusive.

Unfortunately by telling your ex you are tired, need a break etc he knows you are struggling. He can also use this to tell your son that you don't want him round. And he can taunt you for being a 'bad mum'. He is not your friend, he was abusive that's why you divorced him. You need to change the dynamics.

Have you had counselling or done the freedom programme? Culturally are you meant to run around after men, put their needs first? If so can you seek counselling or at least read self help books on assertiveness and being good to yourself and your needs - I'm sure posters on here have good recommendations.

Don't tell ex anything. At 16 your ds can be left alone. It's best not to tell ex anything about your life. Instead find a hobby or a group of friends to let off steam with. You getting on with your life will show your son that you are strong. Make new friends be that at a dance class, reading group, weekend walking group, evening jogging groups seem to be growing in popularity- something that gets you out and about meeting new people and having fun.

Ps being polite and courteous to ex is good if you are not dealing with an abusive character. Ignoring/being out/not speaking to him unless the matter is purely son related is also reasonable behaviour with someone who was violent. But as your son is 16 there is little reason to talk to him as son can communicate.

Why do you think your ds texts dad but not you? Is dad a Disney dad by any chance? Where as you do all the clothes cleaning, cooking and homework checking?

The thing is being polite to your ex is not setting anyone a good example. Your ex kniws he still has an element of control while you are behaving that way and you are actually setting your son a rotten example. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are showing him you will be treated with contempt and put up with it. Your ds is following your own example right now.
My ex is and always will be an arse. I cannot change that but I could change how I dealt with him. And honestly the best way is to disengage and keep contact minimal and to the point. You cannot have a civil relationship with this man. It has been 9 years it won't get better.
I have no expectations of my ex anymore. If he comes he comes of e doesn't great I will get on with things with the dc without him. If I know he's buggering about and lying I no longer confront him. Fine it is him that is losing out. And if he starts being an arse again we go back to contact by email so I have a written record of everything. Which he hates because it is harder to lie when it can come back to bite him.

Your mental health is suffering. You need to step back from ex and your ds is 16 go out and leave him to get himself sorted on a Sunday I will bet he will leave before 6pm then. Right now he is also in a power struggle with you and while you are spending Sunday cojoling him to go out he is wielding the power. He is old enough to be left over night or for the evening so you can go out. You don't have to be begging for a break and caring for him like a small child anymore. You can live your life and still be a parent.

The last thing you should ever do is encourage or support a relationship between. An abusive father and a son.

In my view anyway. My ex was abusive and I know that my son would have grown up thinking his dad was ok/acceptable and might emulate him.

Your ds is 16, he does not need to be baby sat, so ifyou want to go out, go out! If your ds wants to sleep all day and faff about on Sunday's, let him! What his dad thinks of it, or you is utterly irrelevant and unimportant!

Stuff him!

Yeah, and stop the politeness!

Honour based dv? Honour? Where is there honour in abuse? Vile, weak, deluded little man.

You know they abuse through weakness right? Stop the politeness and treat him like the bag of shit you stepped in.

Show your son how women are NOT to be treated and take back your life from his vile father.

Thanks for your replies, all looks like good practical advice and I'll come back later tonight. Going out with some girlfriends tonight. I don't see them so often because they live far and wide and a couple of them are visiting from the US. Will definitely recharge my batteries!

I agree with pretty much everything that has been written.
Hope you can pick out bits and make some adjustments OP.

Have a fun night, enjoy yourself and set up another night out ASAP! Xx

I had a really great night out and feel pretty good. Thanks for your replies, some are helpful and some are bit extreme!

Lots of advice about not talking to ex because he's so upsetting me so much. Think that's been misunderstood - I rarely speak to ex and I've posted here after a 3 minute row that happens about 4 times a year when things really get on top of me. The rest of the time ex and I just have the odd routine 10 second convo about homework, school and general things. I do agree that contact should be through ds and I need to do major work with ds so that he replies to my calls/texts etc - that's why I end up talking to ex instead.

Hissy - "The last thing you should ever do is encourage or support a relationship between an abusive father and a son." Ex and ds have a different relationship and they get on pretty well. If ex should become abusive towards ds, then I'd take action. I'm not trying to start a war with ex and it would worsen the relationship if I tried to stop theirs, I don't feel strongly about this. But I do have to work on my rel with ds and I can really see that it's the first step to change lots of things.

Romeyroo - "As previous posters have said, your son is 16, he lives with you most of the time, so the focus is on making that work so that you can be happy regardless of the day of the week." Great advice thanks. Does ds16 behaviour remind me of ex - yes but I don't know how much of that is teenage behaviour as it's been like this suddenly for last 2 years.

43pc - Freedom programme, I'm going to look into that. And no, my family values were about equality in relationships. Yes, he's definitely an "Uncle Dad" and when he's older I expect ds will get perspective on this.

Youmakemydreams - I understand what you're saying, rotten example - mmm wouldn't go that far! Sunday advice makes a lot of sense, definitely wasting far too much energy there!

The advice about parenting and teenagers and boundaries has been quite an eye opener and I've been googling self-help. Let me know any good book recommendations, thanks a lot.

I think what HIssy means is if you encourage a close relationship with an abusive father and his son then the son will likely copy that behaviour and be abusive in his future relationships.