Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

Hi I'm new here- looking for some advice and a bit of a sounding board. I've told my H I want to end our marriage. His response was that his behaviour is because he is depressed and had been signed-off sick by GP for 2 months. Saw Relate counsellor yesterday, she suggested his controlling behaviour sounds like emotional abuse. Have 2 teenage girls, worried about this relationship as a role model, and don't want to ask them to choose, or to leave their home.
I can't be the baddy and leave if he's ill & depressed. I don't work (studying).
I don't know how to move forward - any thoughts?

Hi name that's good to hear of your good outcome from counselling, are you still having it?

I tried counselling once or twice when I was trapped in the relationship a few years ago, and I don't think the people I got were well suited to me, as it didn't really help me.

But now that I am out of the relationship, I can imagine it would be helpful to help me process my feelings.

I just had my Miam appointment actually. I was in two minds whether to go for mediation or not, and once I've heard all how the process works, and met the woman who would be our mediator, I'm going to go ahead and do it. Mainly because of how much finances can cost through solicitors (my solicitor said it could be up to £20,000) and also because the best way to work with stbxh is to work 'with' him. If I work against him he would go crazy and try and drive up the cost to teach me a lesson or something I imagine.

But the miam lady actually recommended I go for individual counselling after talking to me!

The only barriers are finding the time for counselling and the cost. But our mediation would start in the new year, so I might try and book in some counselling to start then too. Did you go through your GP to find someone?

How's it all going with you?

Hi alisalis sorry to hear about your hard time. Did the relate counsellor give you any advice? If you feel up to it it can be good to talk to a lawyer, so you know where you stand legally. Then you know all the options for making a decision.

It is terrible to be trapped in a bad marriage. Keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on.

Hi Darcy,

I found the counselling really useful, it's a local womens aid charity, so I just went there 'privately' as it were - it was £5/session, the staff were not particularly trained in emotional abuse or violence within marriage, but it was useful nonetheless, and the lovely counsellor really helped me to process and accept everything a little bit more, and overcome the single-mum shame factor.

Things are going very slowly with me. H has not acknowledged the divorce papers and so I am currently waiting for bailiffs to serve the papers - these went out at the beginning of Oct and I've been told they hope to serve them before the end of the year but no guarantees!

It's all a step in the right direction but with an uncooperative ex I can see how divorces can drag on for years.

Alisalis sorry to hear about your difficulties - I think it might be worth visiting a solicitor for some initial advice - many offer free 30 min sessions as part of their pro bono work? Worth a try?

Is it too late to join this thread? About a month ago I couldn't sleep and for some reason ended up for the very first time on mumsnet and this thread. After 18 years of marriage it gave me that lightbulb moment and I realised I had to get out. So thank you. It's not easy. Married to a functioning alcoholic who cannot acknowledge his problem, I also discovered in the summer he had been messing about with the nanny. I them fired the nanny who is currently airing me for sexual harassment in the workplace. Tried for three months to repair things with DH but realised all the promises he made have slowly been dropped and life was worse than ever. When I found myself considering a private detective I realised that I could go on like this No. longer. Life now is pretty unbearable. Husband has thrown all court papers in bin, I am in spare room and teenagers don't know what's going on. Have made the decision to have papers served this weekend on him. I am terrified as I know he will go ballistic having already threatened violate to the bailiff should I go this route. I work and have control of all finances so that's good but cannot market house until he agrees or have court order which could be 6 months away. Trying to stay strong and this thread helps me overcome the continued emotional abuse.

Thought I'd give this thread a bump -- anyone with any updates?

Updates of some sorts from me, but nothing concrete. H finally forced to acknowledge divorce papers in Dec 2015 as I had them delivered to him in person by a process server.

In March we went to court for financial agreement. He has given most of our money away to family (£400k +) so I am back in court on August to challenge this. So it's all quite painfully slow from my end. Anyone else?

Oh I am so cross to hear he gave your money away namechanger I have been lurking for a while.

I was hoping to come back to hear a happy ending and new life commenced.

Thank you 1234needaname The new life is definitely here, I am finally living again, but the financial side has gone to pot really. He is playing some serious dodgy games with the cash and assets we had between us, I am praying the courts will see through it all. But I'm not expecting it to be a quick process, sadly.

Getting the point where naturally H and I will separate - have a new job which will mean a move and 2 teenage daughters can decide what would be best for them. H knows it's coming and has stopped speaking to me. I know that when the time comes H will very matter of factly simply tell me to "f off". I have taken reassurance from this post that time is my biggest asset and so not to rush anything. In this respect it gives my daughters time to make sense of what is going on. Thanks.

I got my decree nisi in February buy STBXH still refused to acknowledge or discuss anything in finances. Went to first hearing in April on finances. STBXH did not return form e or show up in court. I represented my self and managed to convince judge to go straight to a final hearing (July 12th) and skip he fdr. Still sharing house. STBXH drinking more than ever. Even just to get himself to work. Refusing to allow house to go on market. So life awful but moving ahead. Will keep you posted.

Wow that's amazing to go straight to final hearing, well done on getting that sorted!

I had first hearing in March, my second hearing is booked for August and if it goes to final hearing that's another 9-12 month wait. So you have saved a lot of time and stress by skipping to final hearing.

Hang on in there - the housing situation sounds awful but hopefully this will all be over soon. Am thinking of you!

Thanks namechanger. I am sat here right now surrounded by documents compiling the court bundle. I am determined tondo everything exactly by the book and will agin rep myself. Thanks goodness for the Internet and it keeps me occupied and away from STBXH. I have just completed the application for decree absolute. Don't understand why I feel nervous E about putting it in the post. Maybe because it could get approved next week and he will go on another bender.
That's crazy it's so long between your hearings. Any chance you can sort out. Steen you before then?

I thought you were not supposed to apply for an absolute until the finances were sorted, as they can't be contested after the marriage is officially over? Please check I might be ring but I definitely thought that was the case.

I've been looking through bank statements that H hid from me. These are the company accounts my earnings got paid into. He then paid me a paltry salary and pocketed the rest. In two years I earned close to £100,000 and he paid me just £17,000 of it. The rest he spent on loans to friends etc. I am hoping the court will look at this and not dismiss it as a concern for company law instead of family law.

I don't think I can speed up my hearings - they are in London and all courts are super busy from what I can gather.

You can apply anytime for absolute. usual advice is not to before FO sorted as for example if i were to die after absolute i would not be his wife and therefore no longer entitled to his widows pension. AND i may not have agreed the finances so not even own my own home in that scenario. So for most people (usually wives), it is safer not to do so. In my case, he is the one that loses out by the absolute being granted and my pension for example will now go to my children and not him. I went through it with a solicitor yesterday. The only downside - if he dies i would have to pay tax as no onger his spouse. durng the final hearing, sadly he could still get some of my money if the judge deems fit - but given he has not even submitted a form E, is in breach of 2 court orders currently and did not respond to a single letter sent by the court or me. i jjust feel a need to send him a clear message that this is over and holding me hostage (in effect) in my own home is futile. who knows if it will work or not. my main motivation however is that the FO - whatever it ends up saying, will only take effect once the absolute is granted. I dont want to lose any more time waiting for that process - people tell me its only a few days but everything lease has taken weeks and weeks so dont want to take that risk - i will take the risk that he drops dead or is that upside??????

my husband pays into a company - sounds like a similar situation. He (although i do the admin thankfully) get a small salary circa £7,000 annually to keep him below HMRC threshold. be careful the money wasnt taken as dividends in your name though - a hefty corp tax bill could be heading your way. i am planning to bring along the company accounts too so hopefully they will look at it. How has he accounted for those 'loans' on the company books?

i was iriginally at the central court in BSE but got moved to Slough - and I thought they were slow.