Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

I'm impressed! Er .. I've just been mooching about on here. I will see what my solicitor says about the form but i hope it's late rather than sooner ..

One thing I thought of reading through this is how h says "I will hold you responsible for the effect (of the divorce) on our children" I really think it is better for them that we do not keep them in the middle of a horrendous relationship but when he says that he makes me doubt it.

I don't know if I can describe his behaviour as abusive though. Controlling, including financially, but I'm not sure about abusive.

I have spent months wondering if my relationship was abusive too, even though he hit me (twice, not regularly) and like yours was also financially abusive, etc.

I kept remembering the few nice things he had done - eg that one time he did the food shopping - and really wanted someone to validate my reasons for leaving. I think long-term emotional abuse really leaves you unable to think clearly or trust your own opinions - this is something I still struggle with.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't have to be abusive for you to be 'allowed' to leave. If it makes you very unhappy, then that is just as important a reason to leave.

I know the reason I am struggling with the Form E is because I had no financial control in our marriage - I don't even know who our mortgage provider is or how much we owe. I need to start thinking about myself and DC and getting some control back now.

We can do this.

Wooo go name that's good work getting through some of the pages already. You have motivated me to download it and save it into my 'Divorce' folder! It looks ok so far, so I will start with the easy bits like our names etc.

Also I got my act together and posted my marriage certificate to the solicitor today. A small step, but it's taken me 2 weeks to do it, so I'm feeling I'm working on it slowly but surely.

Now I've got to compile my list of unreasonable behaviour for the solicitor. I'm guessing you guys will have already done that.

And welcome pippip good luck getting through the process, keep posting on here for morale support.

DarceY I was told to keep my list of unreasonable behaviour short - only 3/4 sentences max - and to use very benign, inoffensive reasons for leaving, not to include domestic violence, financial control etc. He said it doesn't really matter what you say on the form as judges will look at things in detail later anyway, but if you put down reasons that may rile your partner, he won't want to sign.

I put down 3/4 points (e.g. he would not look after me when I was ill, he would not include me in family decisions, etc).

And then when he got the papers, SHL wrote in the email covering letter that we have not included domestic violence/financial control but reserve the right to do so at a later date.

Hope that helps.

I haven't done any more on my Form E, work and play have both got the better of me this week.

One tip - buy a lever arch folder with at least 15 dividers, so you can start collecting statements etc and storing in this. This is what I need to do next.

Pipin from what I can gather, Form E is the important one to get right, it tells the courts alot about your relationship, assets and what you/your children might be entitled to, so it's worth getting started sooner rather than later, even if you are missing some of the info.

I am utterly shit with paperwork so need to get to grips with this now I think.

You poor things. I completely sympathise. I went through this whole process in 2004, married to a guy who hit me a few times (but only in the arm, along with a few shoves, so was it really abuse...? Yes, that was my thought process). He was a master manipulator, liar, emotionally abusive, I paid for everything including the mortgage, the list goes on. I found the strength to leave him, and while the whole process was horrific (and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy), I'm so, so grateful I found the strength. I've since met and married a guy who is about as kind, honest, and decent a man you could ever find, and he makes me very happy. I can see myself growing old with him, and it's lovely. My priorities in men changed quite dramatically - kindness was in slot number one!

I suppose my take-home message is just a word of encouragement. Find the strength now (and it's in there, trust me, even though you might be feeling like you could break at any second), and you give yourself the gift of a potentially happy future. You can do this.

Hi all, sorry this might not be the right place to post but I want to proceed with my action towards divorce and I need to take some concrete steps to do this, I'm just all in a muddle.

So after tearing up the papers and declaring that no, we will not be divorcing, he's becoming even more firm in his abusive mindset and techniques. What he says, goes. To the point that we've got our house on the market (because he 'hates' it and that is why he is in such a bad mood all of the time) and he's just now, chosen the next thing we're going to buy, which he just assumed I'd go along with . ACTUALLY ASSUMED I WOULD BE OK WITH THAT having spoken of impending divorce only 2 weeks ago???? And then when I expressed dismay he had the nerve to shout at me all the reasons why I should like that flat, why I should do as he says, etc. There is no urgency on this decision, ours is nowhere near sold as yet. But I've got to glet him know that I won't be coming along with him wherever he intends to go.

I got a draft letter from my solicitor yesterday to be sent to him, re-stating that I have decided that the marriage is over. I'm trying to work out the timing for sending it, we're supposed to be together this weekend (he's arranged for his sister to visit) and he was trying to plan a trip to France the following weekend to a car-related event, I used to live for these weekends he goes away because I know he's busy doing something interesting and I get some time off... so am hesitating on how or when to present this, as I'm almost tempted to wait until after he gets back from his weekend away... I don't want to spoil it for him! Is my thinking totally screwed up here?

Or..perhaps I could move out while he's away next weekend and do it like that? Fallout will be massive when he realizes I am serious about divorce.

PS thanks Keren for the supportive words! And apologies for just popping in like this, I am so mired in my own problems right now that I cannot see any woods for trees. And have been living with my head in the sand, ignoring. However I too am commencing the Form E, solicitor suggested I get started on it.

name are you on the mortgage, sorry if I missed this earlier. You should be able to find out who your mortgage is with, I know when I get Land Registry information (you can get it online but you have to pay for it) it lists who has an interest in the property, ie who the owners are and who any mortgage is with. Just the bank name, obviously, not the amount owed, but it's something!

thats, your situation sounds very hard, and similar to what my H is doing. He has had papers served twice via email and claims he never received them and is emailing/texting me asking if I would like to take the kids out, go to a friends wedding with him etc. I know I would be powerless to resist this denial of the facts if I was still living with him.

My H went on a work trip abroad in Jan. Whilst he was away I enlisted some family with cars and moved out, along with my 3 DC. Took everything, the cupboards were empty. It took 4/5 car loads to get mine and DCs stuff out. I warned school earlier in the week, and they were highly supportive. I drove 2h to my parents and have not been back since.

I would seriously consider moving out if I were you. It sounds like he will just continue with his abusive behaviour if you stay. It's a very scary step but you will be doing it eventually anyway, and this gives him a very clear message that he cannot continue to bulldoze over your opinions. Good luck.

KerenS Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I struggle with this everyday, and it's very reassuring to hear tales from the other side.

Yes thanks kerens that's the kind of story I need to hear right now. It's so much easier to just stay. And I completely get the top of the new man search would be to find someone kind. Funny how things change. X

Hi all, hope you are all doing ok.
Thanks for the unreasonable behaviour tips name that sounds a good idea to leave the bad bits out, but to warn him they could be used when I see fit. It's tempting to go to town on the unreasonable behaviour, but my main aim is just to make him agree to the divorce.

Sorry to hear how hard things are for you thatsnot. At least you have your solicitor on board, and you are not dealing with everything completely in your own head.

I wonder if you should just try and force through things as fast as you can, and deal with the consequences as they come up. Easy for me to say I know. Do you have any family and friends supporting you at the moment?

I know people say it all the time - but it's amazing how similar abusive men are!!! My H is in so much denial at the moment, not helped by the fact he got his letter at the beginning of April, and there has been nothing since. He too was pressurising me to go to a family wedding with him in the summer. I was really proud of myself for saying no.

I have been finding things really hard lately too. I knew it would happen, but my family and friends offer messages of support when I made the big announcement we are divorcing. But now I am struggling more than ever, but no one is really there for me, or interested any more. Also the kids are reacting really badly now, and crying and screaming and tantruming all the time when me and H are together, because of all the stress I'm feeling I suppose.

Thanks for your message of support Keren - here's to all of us meeting lovely men and having healthy relationships in the future!!

Yes it's funny how similar they are. I still don't really believe mine was abusive, despite the fact he hit me, withheld my money from me and generally seems to follow the script of all abusive men.

My counsellor pointed out that by ignoring the divorce papers he is still being abusive, and trying to exert what little control he now has over me.

I'm at the same hard bit as you know - my family were amazing and still continue to be, but of course they have their own lives to move on with and can't be there for me 100% of the way. DC are getting used to daddy not being around, but occasionally will throw in a killer line 'all I want is for us to all live together' or something and I just totally fall to pieces.

Have stalled a little on the divorce papers too, the little niggling voice asks me if I am doing the right thing, but of course we all are, we are divorcing abusive men, there cannot be any going back.

I will do one more page tomorrow

In a way I'm glad we are in a similar position (wishing everyone all the best of course) but I feel so alone now...H in total denial and seems to think all is back to normal as I'm not arguing with him, just doing what he says as if on autopilot.

Need to take some action this week, had an awful situation this morning. FFS. I wanted to do a car boot sale with a friend, which from my point of view meant sitting in a (beautifully sunny) field with friend drinking coffee and casually chatting/selling, H had lectured me at length to not sell anything 'good', he turned up and shouted at me for ages because I'd put hardly anything in (decluttering as house is on market so I'd identified lots as potential but hadn't known what he'd think) anyway the upshot was, friend was appalled at the way he treated me. And she knows a bit of background, thinks as he's got a 'second chance' wrt divorce he should be bending over backwards to be nice to me. He's clearly not.

Action needed... Now!

Ugh, what is wrong with them?! My H has been texting me asking me what the kids and I have been up to at the weekend - just casual nice chat, knowing full well I served papers on him two weeks ago now.

The nice behaviour gives me the wobbles and makes me really doubt my decision to divorce, but it's part of the ongoing abuse and denial of my feelings. I feel like I have to tell him yet again that this is over - something I have been saying to him since I left him in Jan.

I'm looking forward to my meeting with counsellor tomorrow to gain some resolve. Even in divorce he can't just do the honourable thing and respect my feelings.

You have my hugest sympathy thats. Sometimes its nice to get the assurance and validation from other people that his behaviour towards you is wrong.

Name sympathies to you as well, I've been following your story with interest and am cheering you on, astonished by his knobbishness! (sp?)

What I cannot get my head around, now, is that he won't have a nice word to say about me..won't agree that we should just divorce and go our separate ways. Like he's doing me a favour?!?

I get huge waves of pity towards him, occasionally, which is really the only emotion I have for him. Why? He's been cautioned by police, ffs. It should be down to him to sort himself out!

Ladies. Same here. He is being sickly nice and even when I think he's being nice I can live with this all the bad memories flood back. I know this niceness won't last forever but he's just ignoring my wish to part ways. Like you said it's another way to control. And I have the pity too. He has no one really apart from me to rely on day to day. But why should I worry about that. He wasn't worried about when he left me in the middle of town when he'd drunk to much. He just thinks I should get over it for the sake of the family. But I cant. He says all he wants is me. And I believe him. I really do. But Something snapped in me the last time he was verbally abusive and I just can't get it back. Any ideas of how to get divorce through his brain would be appreciated. Haven't filed papers yet maybe that's the only way. But I'm scared. I hate conflict so this is probably the hardest thing for me. Ever!

I hste conflict too, this is something I blame myself over - if I had stood up to him earlier in the relationship he wouldn't have been like this.

But I realised I am scared of his reaction, and the outcome of the conflict, which would be more blame on me. This is his weakness and not mine.

Be warned that he is likely to ignore the papers when served trying - my SHL said this is a very common response. My next step is that SHL will contact him and say he has 7 days to acknowledge receipt, otherwise we go straight to court and H has to pay the legal fees for this as it is because of his delays.

I think we can only get through this if doing it on auto-pilot - just take the steps and try not to think about it. So far I have expected worse case-scenarios all the way and have not had anything as bad as I thought it would be. Good luck. We can do this together.

namechanger I don't think you can look back, it's something I do as well and try to pinpoint where things went wrong. And I can point to a lot of things! I don't think H ever looks back, interestingly, to see where he's gone wrong, just forges ahead and expects me to fall in line. Typical, from what I've learned, of an abusive attitude.

So just wanted to say, don't doubt yourself. Has he acknowledged the letter yet?

trying be wary of the niceness my H is especially nice when I've lost my rag with him (as I did Sunday night) and I've always felt remorseful before, I now realise him acting nice about things puts all the blame back on me for the 'problems'...

Thats trying hard not to doubt myself, but I keep getting sucked in. It doesn't help that I will be going back to our family home this weekend with the DDs, I will have to keep strong.

I have had a bit of a push today - got some of my bank statements printed and all filed, and filled some more of the form. Luckily there are lots of bits that don't apply, so that's whole pages I won't have to worry about.

Feels like I have a lot less to do now I have all of the bank statements printed anyway.

Section 1.13 which asks about child maintenance is very quick and easy to fill in - you just use the online calculator here:

www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

How is everyone else getting on?

Thanks name I'm just trying to get some work out the way and then I can give it my full attention. Got a job interview on Monday so on Monday night or tues I'll do the unreasonable behaviour and send it to the solicitor, then he can get the ball rolling with the divorce, and I can do the form E in the background while that goes on. That's my plan anyway. I'm also considering moving out with the children, as I'm getting really worn down every day :(

OMG. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing right now. After spending a few days apart, H decided (?) that he 'can't live without me'... And that 'if I leave it will kill him' etc. So, other things happened but I booked an appointment with a (really good, abuse aware) relationship counsellor and we went on Friday night. It was, for me, rather great. I said out loud, I intend to divorce you, you treat me badly, etc...and felt I was 'heard' for the first time ever, because we weren't speaking to each other, we were speaking to the counsellor. There's more to that story of course but I'll leave that for another thread! But the upshot is, I now feel validated and want divorce even more. But. He is now scared it might really happen so is being nice. I've got to re-mobilise. He's not being nice, just creepy. Anyway just checking in to say...no real progress

Hi thats sounds like loads of things are happening for you. You've obviously got a lot going on at the moment, so well done getting through it all.

That's good you found a good counsellor. What are your next steps with the divorce, have you done the unreasonable behaviour yet?

Gargh my H did a 'clear out' snooping yesterday and found my big stash of 'escaping from domestic abuse' books. Bit awkward!