Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

Yikes Name re the solicitor's fees! You are absolutely right about sticking to the legal side of things. I still think that there's a gap in the market for a joint counselling/re-housing/legal package which would address all the issues and provide a bit of crossover. I know that WA, counsellors, sols, etc all stress that WE have to make the decision, it's got to be our own decisions, I find that I am 100%, totally and utterly indecisive. I also have a firm belief that whatever decision I make will be the wrong one.

Having said that, I've found 'Should I Stay or Should I Go' by Lundy Bancroft et al is quite good, I've had it for ages (kindle so H won't find it and throw it away) but just skim-read the first time, there's a really good section about staying in order to bide your time, refers to giving the 'gift' of your time, it's helped me to think of this time as a transition period in which to firmly plant in H's mind that I have my own ideas separate from him, to ease him into the transition, so I won't be so scared of his reaction.

Well, I emailed my sol regarding the house issue and he has sent a clear and direct letter in reply outlining 3 options options for anyone stupid enough to be in the situation in the first place most people divorce then sell the house ffs which are broadly 1) pull out of purchase 2) buy another place with clear knowledge that it'll have to be sold for divorce or 3) have the conveyancing solicitors hold it in an account ... he said under no circumstance to just put the money into a joint accout as H could 'steal' it. I think he'd have no intention of doing that but he's looking like a mega bully today saying the money is 'his' and as his 'wife' I should go where he says. UNBELIEVABLE ...he actually said that

I still think, however, that it's good to have the house selling, as I couldn't bear to live there with him while a divorce was going through. So I hope I've not gone out of the frying pan into the fire, so to speak. Also I have no idea whether our buyer is actually going to be able to go through with it, know so many deals fall through! We have to go on good faith (and I suppose they do to, we'd leave them vulnerable if we pulled out!).

Hi thats; I also found the period of time when I stayed vey useful. It was only 3 weeks, but during that time I read alot (all on my Kindle app for the same reason as you).

It really helped me to see his behaviour for what is was, and understand his mechanisms of abuse. I remember him tidying up his socks drawer a few days after, and I struggled with seeing him doing something so normal when I was falling apart after the assault. I posted on MN and someone pointed out that this was him normalising and minimising his behaviour, and it went on from there, I saw everything he did in a new light.

Now when I wobble I think back a lot to those three weeks, and his behaviour. I agree that to some extent the horrible time together is a gift, but I don't think it will hit home for him until you have actually left. Until then it's all empty threats as far as he is concerned.

We are selling our old flat, and the money is sitting with the conveyancing solicitors. It was very easy to arrange (just one email from me, instructing the sol to hold funds, and asking him to reply to acknowledge receipt of the email).

I'm keeping everything crossed for the sale of your house.

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well and keeping strong. I've not been on for a while, as I seem to be doing the one step forward two steps back as you said up-thread thats.

My solicitor never contacts me either, and he's also on holiday for another 2 weeks, so there won't be some movement for a while.

It's interesting what you say about the 'gift' of time. I was having a near-breakdown a last week because I'm still living with H, with no real realistic option of moving out for the time being. My parents were going to help me, but that all fell through and I just felt this crazed anger, and nowhere and no one to let it out on. I took a few days, and self-analysed that I felt so angry because I had completely no control over my situation. I live completely at the mercy of a controlling bully, and I was waiting patiently for my parents to help me, and at the end they didn't really.

Then, about a day later I realised I have to focus on what I can control, which is fast-forwarding my divorce, and getting as much financial freedom as I can reasonably expect from the sale of the house. Cue me phoning my solicitor and finding that he's on holiday for a few weeks. But anyway, I need to use this time to get my form E totally done, get the estate agents to value the house, and do all the applications for the benefits I'll be entitled to, and apply for a new passport, as mine has expired.

So far, I've tidied and cleaned the house, ready for the valuations (although not actually phoned the estate agents - that's tomorrow's job.)
And started selling old bits and pieces on ebay, plus loads of charity shop runs, decluttering and streamlining my life.

It might sound a bit like procrastination, but the past few times I've left, have always been in a rush, with just a bag for me and the baby. This time, I feel like I'm making the most of the 'gift' of time, and getting myself in order.

Phew - I'm so grateful for this thread, but poor us! What a long bloody time we have to persevere for! We will get there though!

And thats I agree with name I hope your DS will be someone who can support you making the moves you need to. at least you know he is on your side, and supports you leaving, that must be a help in itself.

Good luck all

Darcey so good to hear from you, I'd been wondering how you were getting on. I'm sorry to hear things didn't pan out with help from your parents but the steps you're taking sound like a good and practical way to move forwards, the most frustrating thing is being at the mercy of the system, being stuck with a controlling bully. If you make a plan, you can see the way forward even if you're still living with him. Also it helps to brush off his actions, I find that a 'meh' or 'whatever' response defuses the attacks and prevents things from escalating into full on anxiety on my part.

I've put things on the back burner until we see whether our house really is going to sell, survey next week. Also I have a really exciting job interview on Friday (H doesn't know, he'd freak out if he knew). In my case it could be divorce by stealth, no joint home and me with a new job, I could rent and never see him again...fantasy!

Sorry, I was trying to start a thread of my own. Will report my post.

Ah, just to say I'm back after a few weeks of not being able to login into mn on my phone! How's everyone doing? Any movement with anything!

Not too much happening my end for the time being, but tomorrow is admin day, so will put in a call to my solicitor to chase up my miam appointment,

Hope you are all doing well.

Hello Darcey!

I've been away too, been on hols and not able to log on, which was very, very relaxing!

No real progress with me. My application for a decree nisi came back, as I had made the teeniest of errors - this was nearly a month ago now and I haven't sent it back, I keep procrastinating about ending my marriage, but the longer this goes on the more I know we are over and this has to be done. H is making no effort to fix things at all and has settled nicely into his single-man rut which presumably he is happy with now. Without me and without his DDs. Which defies belief really.

I spoke to my barrister re H withholding joint finances from me, and he wasn't too concerned, and asked me what I would like him to do next.

I have no idea and I can't really think straight or strategically tbh. Am wondering if I need a solicitor as well as my barrister to help me make the right decisions. Might just speak to one if I can get a free half hour, my gut feeling is that my barrister will be good, but he is difficult to get hold of and now very responsive. Also as I worry about H being sneaky and underhanded, I feel like I might need some more ammo. Hmm.

How are you all doing? Do we all need kicks up the bum to get things moving?

Darcey I called the MIAM helpline thingy myself when chasing for my appt. Might save you a few bob if you call them yourself?

I called the 0300 number at the top of the page and they seemed to have access to the central database of appointments.

www.nfm.org.uk/index.php/about-nfm/contact-us

Good to hear from you name and thanks for the tip about calling miam myself.

I'm supposed to be doing a bargain basement divorce costing only £495. I hadn't really paid anything to them yet, so I chased it all up last week and found I had around £1000 outstanding on my account. I explained that I was supposed to be on the cheapo divorce, so they amended my account no problem.

I'm glad I took the effort to sort it out, it all adds up to feeling more in control about things.
I should hear on Friday about the latest on the divorce. I think we are waiting to hear if H has replied to court, and if he hasn't, it just all rolls on without him.

Such a long process!

But on the bright side we avoided a holiday stress which was H threatening to take kids abroad over the summer. They've still only ever spent one night away from me in their lives.

I'm not sure what to advise about your dilemma about getting a sol as well. That's a good idea to take that free appointment to see what they'd think about it.

You know I've been reading a lot of the huffington post divorce pages lately, they recommend getting a 'divorce coach' so you have your therapist, your lawyer and your coach. It sounds like that's what you're missing, someone to keep you pumped up and focused and who can guide you in the right way.

I don't think we get them over here yet, plus think of the expense.

But you really do seem great, and doing a really good job on your own. But I know you will be feeling it's hard to keep battling on on your own each day.

Hi Darcy, hope you are well. I have decided to get a solicitor, nothing is happening and I'm too scared and un-informed about the legal process to make the next move.

They are SO expensive - £315 + vat per hour, but I feel peace of mind going down this road as I haven't really got enough of a clue I am doing. I am going in for a free 30 min meeting next week, and I will see if they will let me do all of the paperwork, whilst they just give me advice/strategy. I really don't want to pay them to fill in my Form E etc which I can easily do by myself.

But H's lies, love of money and complicated finances are just too scary for me to do alone. I'm looking forward to getting some help, but still scared of H and his reaction.

Hi Name my solicitor is charging me £495 for the whole divorce - do you think they could give you a price like that?

My solicitor gave me a good strategy I thought at my free meeting, and I have to keep on reminding him of it when we speak. I've held off calling him for help loads of times, as I get the feeling, he'll do what I want, without really guiding me or thinking of the implications.

But help with the finances is different, and you will need specialist help for that. I haven't got a date for a MIAM appointment yet, I am calling solicitor tomorrow so will mention that again then. But if we don't do mediation, I will need to pay my solicitor per hour for all the help he gives me with the finances.

With finances you can download the Form E and fill this in yourself - I did mine, it's long but relatively quick and easy to complete. Not worth paying a sol to complete for you ihmo.

Ok, I am now in a position to move out of the family home. I've checked it through with my solicitor, and my family are on board to help me. But I'm crumbling at actually making the move and taking the children with me. H is against it - and I will be relying on his money to survive. If he doesn't give me any, I don't have any options, apart from an emergency loan I think you can get, so I'll look into that.

He is forbidding me from taking the children out of the family home. I told him it's not his decision. But I don't know how or when to tell the children, or how to actually move our stuff out of the house.

My family will be helping me, but on a weekend, so he'll be there too. It will be horrible for the children, as I can imagine them jumping around excited at all the commotion, then realising they have to leave their home and live somewhere else, cold and empty, with no tv and no internet.

I'm terrified actually. I keep on backtracking. It was all a good idea in theory, but I don't know how to manage the reality.

Hi Darcy, sorry this is a quick one I'm just about to leave on school run.

I just called CSA to get my H to start paying something towards children (paying nothing at the moment).

Call them and they can start the process so your H will have to pay you something. They were lovely on the phone and very helpful - 0800 988 0988

It's a terrifying step but it has to be done and you WILL get through this. Advice would be to let children know beforehand - I didn't tell mine and it confused and upset them greatly. Let them know you are going before you pack stuff and talk lots about what they can/will be doing in their new house.

Good luck, you can do this

How are you doing Darcey? Did you make the move?

Hi name thanks so much for your messages, yes I can finally say I'm free!!!

I made the move today in the end with the children. It is so wonderful being in my new flat! The children are ok, they don't 100% know what's going on, but I did take time to talk to the older one a bit about it. But they are mainly picking up on my good mood and have been on the whole quite cheery.

H went through all different emotions in the space of a week, his default position was he is not allowing it to happen, but I think the fact all his family and friends know we're divorcing they were acting like me moving out was no big deal, so he didn't get anyone to validate his outrageous beliefs.

I've also got the decree nisi from the lawyer(although lost the letter in the move) so things are going full speed ahead and I feel 1% sad, but 99% I'm doing the right thing.

It's such a relief to be away from him right now.

How are you doing with everything? Hope things are going well for you, and everyone else!

Hi Darcey! Hooray! Well done, you sound so much happier already!

Glad H did not find an audience for his outrage, I think they feed off that kind of validation, no matter how twisted it is in reality.

I've been doing better and better over time, its been stressful as DD1 is definitely taking the split hard (its been 9 months and she still asks why we left and can we go back, and she is a grown-up 8 year old. She is processing it in her own time).

I got my divorce petition back in the post today - its been stamped and I have a case number, so I guess the next stage is waiting for H to send back the acknowledgement, and then I'll get the decree nisi as well.

Did yours sign the acknowledgement already then?

It was a bit of a kick in the teeth to get the papers today, as I was expecting it to take a few weeks still, so I am also a tiny bit sad. But like you I think its 1% sad and 99% I'm doing the right thing (wouldn't describe it as happy just yet).

Just trying to think of it all as just paperwork now and keep emotions under check.

The fact he hasn't seen his children for a month helps me to keep my resolve.

Well done both of us! How are you finding your first week?

Thanks name for your positive message! Things are fine really, me and the kids have been a bit up and down with it all. I'm sure it will just take time for us all to think of our new place as home.

I've started reading that book 'it's my life now' which I'd ordered ages ago. It is really good, as I'd been thinking I'd be feeling great all the time, after leaving. but really it's saying all the things you will be feeling like depression anger and anxiety.
I think I've been feeling a bit depressed, but feelings of anger are starting to creep in!

I've found my decree nisi form now, but not plucked up the courage to sign it yet!

Has your decree nisi come through yet? How are things going with you?

Oh get that signed and off your plate as soon as you can!

Things are very up and down after leaving, I was the same as you and expected it to be plain sailing, when it has been anything but that.

H has received the divorce papers but of course did not sign these. Tomorrow I am applying for a bailiff to serve these to him in person.

He is being a total shit to our children as well, laying on the guilt trip about them being too busy to see when in reality he is the one not committing to more than one weekend a month with them.

I'm actually in the car now waiting to speak to DDs teachers yet again about how they can support her, she was in tears after seeing him this weekend, and doesn't want to see him over half term at all.

With the bailiff letter there is also a request for him to start paying some maintenance. He is as tight as they come and has not yet contributed a penny, so this will hit him hard now. At least the ball is rolling.

Hi ladies, just re-read this thread and so glad that life is looking brighter.

I am right at the start of the whole process and feeling really overwhelmed. I have told DH the marriage is over but he is in complete denial, being very lovely one minute and then saying that I am being selfish and must think of our children.

I have been unhappy for so long and have finally reached the point where I know that it will never get any better but only worse. I have seen a councillor who says I must stop feeling guilty and must stop trying to change him. We have been together for 23 years.

Can I ask is there a list somewhere Re. Documentation I should start gathering?

All the best of luck to you and I wish you all happiness and freedom; I can't wait to join you! TIA M x

Hi Malamutes,

Nice to 'meet' you, I hope you are managing the ups and downs of your split ok - I was very up and down to begin with but things have settled a little more over time. That said, I have a long way to go in my divorce so I will be on this board for a long while yet!

In terms of papers I've not come across any lists, the things I have found useful so far have been copies of his tax returns and original marriage certificates. Anything you can find re his finances may be useful, it can't be used in court but might help to give you an idea of where you stand financially.

Good luck, its a long road but MN is great for help along the way!

Hi Malamutes and Name, hope you are both doing ok. Sorry my posting is so sporadic at the moment, I keep getting logged out of MN and can't remember my password...!

Glad you have found this thread useful Malamutes. It can be a long and lonely process, but the surprising thing is that so many people go through it. How do they all manage it?

The main thing that has helped me is actually moving out. I am soooo glad that I managed that afterall. As things were totally stuck before I moved out. We still haven't even discussed finances or anything, but I am not being harassed on a daily basis, so I feel I can deal with those big issues when I am good and ready to.

23 years of marriage is a long time, is living separately an option for you at the moment?

How is everything going with you name? Sorry to hear about your DD being upset. It is so hard on them isn't it? Luckily she has got a wonderful mother in you!!

Things have been very up and down with me, with the net result that I'm in the same place as where I started! It is really great having moved out, and I can tentatively start to feel the start of the rest of my life on the horizon. But the here and now is hard. I feel really excluded from the mums at school. I'm the only single mum I know of, and basically feel loads of shame that everyone knows my private business. They don't know everything of course, but the children and I had a very public house move from a nice big house, to a grotty little flat. Plus I am reasonably new to the area anyway, so I haven't built up a network of strong friends.

Anyway the positives are I have a job, so I should really put my energies into doing well at that.

Hi Darcy,

Nice to hear from you again, I'm glad things are looking better for you.

I understand exactly where you are coming from re the 'shame' factor - I was exactly the same and felt very embarrassed and ashamed at being a single mum, breaking up the family etc.

Do you think some counselling might help? It did me wonders, and it helped me to realise I have done a good, positive thing and not a bad thing by ending all of our misery.

Good news that you have a job!

Will you stay in your flat permanently? Can he not be forced to move out, seeing as you are the one housing and caring for the children?