Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

Darcey, my H found my stash (Lundy Bancroft book + some verbal abuse) last summer and binned them, I did re-buy them in kindle format so no evidence. On a serious note, is he angry/furious? Or just puzzled? Are you ok?

Well he binned one of them - the one I was really enjoying about boundaries that name had recommended.

He was disgusted, but didn't go overboard about it like he usually would. which makes me think he's saving it up to use in the future.

I did just think I'd buy it again (with his money) but no idea where I would hide it now.

Oh no! You must have been so worried when he found them! You could buy on Kindle format, and then can get the kindle app on your phone and read them off there. You don't need a Kindle to read them.

My H is still in blanket denial. I need to prompt my SHL again to push things along but every time I do this it feels like I am facing the confrontation all over again. I saw him this weekend, he looked very upset in public (less so in private ), but I did feel bad for him (again).

It's hard to keep pushing the same issue again and again. I have said so for 6 months and he is still not accepting that we are over.

Name please don't feel sorry for him (I just read your other thread). Perhaps you do need to push things along?? Or project some anger onto him, he sounds a bit comfortable with the whole situation! I think that you and DCs have a bigger claim on the house than he does, and prolonging a settlement just works in his favour. But I'm not a lawyer and you need to do what's best for you, and btw your family support is worth so much more than anything.

I've just kindle-bought (I have the kindle app on iPad) the new Lundy Bancroft book and it's excellent. But my life sadly is chaos, since we went to counselling H thinks all if fixable...I'd prefer him to b*gger off! Need a new strategy.

PS Darcey was it 'its my life now'? I've got that in Kindle format, sorry I can't send it to you!

prolonging a settlement just works in his favour. I hadn't realised this? How comes?

I have just emailed shl to move things along and force him to acknowledge receipt of the divorce papers. Have also requested a meeting to go through the completed (!!) form E in a few weeks time. I need to actually do it now!

this the counselling is a tricky one - we think it helps them stop being abusive, and they use it to abuse us further instead.

Name I just meant that while you're waiting (presuming divorce takes x months then financial settlement takes x months, he's living the proverbial life of Riley while you're struggling and compromising, it may look to a court that you are fine with a meagre settlement (a sad result sometimes of retaining the moral high ground and letting H 'have' the house) but once again, I'm not an expert and haven't been through it.

I too feel sorry for H, great waves of pity 'because he obviously had a bad childhood', etc. I've tried turning the tables, in my head, and I cannot imagine him ever extending that compassion for either me, or my (now growup) DCs.

Ugh, I am hoping it doesn't count against me, I have been seeing an SHL since Jan, we were stalled when we went through the phase of I Am A Changed Man and I Love You Forever, followed by I Am A Bit Less Of A Changed Man, and Oh Look Aren't My Belongings So Lovely and so it look a while to get here.

But he did get draft papers nearly a month ago now and hasn't responded. Coupled with his lack of financial support and contact with children I don't think this will reflect well on him.

The feeling sorry bit - I kept thinking he has very poor role models in his parents and his cultural influences - but I am of the same culture, I have ongoing issues with my mum, that I have tried to overcome over the years, and try to not let them affect who I am.

By the age of 40/41, most people have some level of self-awareness and understand how their actions could impact others. If they don't have this basic level of empathy and compassion in their middle years then I guess they never will have?

Sorry you are going through this too thats. But to quote a different thread:

We are awesome. We did not put up with this shit. We left

Truly name you are awesome and have made so much progress! and that is what is so great, that you have acted decisively and done all the right things. I don't mean to imply that anything is going to count against you but I just got enraged thinking that he gets the benefit of the house all to himself, which he seems to think he's entitled to. But as you point out, his actions are actually showing him up to be very selfish and you are right that it will reflect badly on him. So, keep doing what you're doing. But agreed re: pushing it along.

It is so difficult to leave especially if the abuse is 'tolerable' or in my case has become intolerable over such a length of time (think boiling frog!) that you can make excuses, muddle through. And when people say LTB, it is implied that you have to take the action and LEAVE. Seems unfair that the injured party, so to speak, has to take make the move. I still cannot get my head around that one. I was obsessed a few months ago with finding a flat to rent but it was going to cost upwards of 10k for 6 months and I think what really put me off was the (gentle) grilling from estate agents about finances, my income evidently isn't enough to support rent on a poxy tiny flat in my area where around the corner I have a perfectly good 5 bed house, only made intolerable by H's presence. Grrr. OK rant over, I've got to work out how to tell my solicitor what's going on. H in a 'nice' phase but saying he is amenable to change, I'm wondering how to state my terms, he is terrified of losing me, or really losing his security, and I'm thinking that I will need some advice on how to proceed.

thats how about putting it down in an email to solicitor? Someone mentioned that as being a cost-saver, as you tend to talk more in person but an email you can get get to the point.

I am wary of getting solicitors involved in the emotional angst of it all - looking back I was doing this to being with and it was costing me a lot in sol fees to have them listening to me witter on, when payment should be for them sharing their expertise!

I would write down your points in an email - this will help you to get it all clear in your head. You can then sit on it for a bit and cut it down as needed before you send it? Also helps as you then have a written record which might come in handy later.

How are you all doing?

I'm going through the motions yet again - it's been a month and H has not acknowledged the draft divorce papers. So I have been chasing SHL who still has not chased H to respond. I'm getting quite frustrated with it now, we are in a state of limbo and have been for 6 months now. It's not good for me or for the DDs.

We are living with my parents, and it is lovely but crowded. I think we need to move on, but financially I really don't know what to do. The rental market is crazy around here - around 2k/month to get something big enough to house is all. So that's potentially 24K down the rental plughole if this takes a year to sort out. And that doesn't include furnishing, bills, estate agent fees.

If we stay put it is not easy, but leaves us better off financially. H will not want to give up the house at all and will fight hard against this. I'm getting more and more angry that he lives in our big house alone whilst we are cramped up here. He is not contributing financially at all, so I want to keep a nest-egg if I can.

Any suggestions on how to get things moving along a little faster? I am reluctant to change SHL as I have paid this one and he knows my history now, and there is nothing to say another one would be any quicker at responding.

SHL has emailed H again today and given him 7 days to respond to draft petition before this goes to court. Scary stuff. But it means things are moving. It's not great timing for him to get the email as it's DDs birthday tomorrow, but there never seems to be a good time. I have to hope I am doing the right thing.

SHL seems to think H will not respond, and we will be going to court. After a very stressful day with H's silliness I think he is right.

I have to attend a MIAM course, which is about the benefits of mediation, and then they will sign this off and say we are not suitable.

www.nfm.org.uk/images/pdfs/MIAMsA4mar2014Web.pdf

Apparently it's a legal requirement before we can go to court proceedings. Hoping the court route is resolved quickly. One can only hope.

Hi name sounds a very stressful time for you. Does that mean you will do mediation then go to court? Is that just for the divorce part but not the financial side yet? Will you H be liable to pay all the court fees?

I can't believe it has taken 6 months in your situation, as you have been pushing really hard the whole time.

I sympathise with you on the housing front. How dare he lol around in a big house for one, while the rest of his family is all cramped up. He probably doesn't even care - he'll just care about his own comfort and needs if he's anything like my H.
I lived with my parents for a while. It was ok, but not particularly relaxing. They made clear it was only on a temporary basis, and I ended up going back to H as I felt I had no other options.
Now I'm stuck housing wise. I'm considering moving out to rented, but I have disrupted the kids so much already in their young lives, plus I'd be reliant on money from H to pay the rent.

No news from my SHL. He has marriage certificate and unreasonable behaviour. I'll chase him next week about it as mega busy this week with work.
Keep us posted with your court and mediation news - and best of luck! Xx

Hi Darcey - I'll do the MIAM course, which is a 45-min presentation about the benefits of mediation, but then they will give me a certificate saying I'm not eligible for mediation as he is not engaging in discussion about the divorce despite my SHL trying.

I have a recorded incident of domestic violence too, so that will also mean mediation is a no-go.

This is just the divorce part. We have not even started on the finance bits yet. He says crazy things about giving me 50% after debts have been cleared, and wanting children 50:50, so I am expecting unreasonable offers regarding finance too. As much as I don't want this to get messy, I think it will as soon as finances are involved.

It's a natural response on his part as it's his hard-earned cash he will be losing, but he did withhold my salary from me over a 2-year period, and so it's my money too, and he seems to think kids feed and clothe themselves.

I feel for you regarding renting and disrupting your DC. I have the same dilemma and could not afford it without H's cash input. I don't see an easy option apart from waiting it out for now.

Good that you are busy with work and have things going on to take your mind off this. A quick email or phone call to chase him today would not be a bad idea though? This whole process seems to take forever.

I find that on the days when I email SHL and also leave a voicemail as well I get a quicker response. Otherwise I am one email in an inbox that is easily ignored.

Argh, this whole process is driving me nuts. H has still not acknowledged receipt of the draft divorce papers, despite SHL threatening him with litigation, and giving him a deadline of Monday, which has now passed.

I am waiting to hear back from MIAM course on availability for a course, but nothing yet.

In the meantime I have read online that a miam course is not required if you have any domestic violence in the relationship. So I am gathering evidence to that effect now instead of waiting for miam.

I already have letters from the DCs headteacher, and from the social worker who was alerted, and the children's health visitor will also call me today and I will request a letter from her as well as the GP who I saw after it happened.

I may as well spend a few hours chasing everyone today, and then will add any letters I receive to the file.

Looking back, reporting the violence was the best thing I did. I have so many paper trails and evidence of his assault.

I'll file them all and see if this helps my case.

I have also seen online that if I signed for loans that he used for his own purposes then I might not be liable for these either. Fingers crossed.

How are you all doing?

Hi name I was wondering how you were getting on this week. I got the draft divorce petition last week. I need to make v minor changes and send it back. Can't believe I haven't done it yet. I also need to phone my solicitor and find out if he could make H pay if I move out and rent somewhere, as no money of my own. Must do that today also. Finally need to make appointment with CAB and start claiming for any benefits I can get, as it takes about 3 months for the applications to go through.

I'm glad I reported violence in January. It got the ball rolling, as before I didn't know how to get out. But now with women's aid support and a solicitor, I'm slowly working my way to freedom!

Just a question about the divorce petition. SHL said he'd a letter to H first to warn him about the divorce petition, then he'd send the divorce petition. I'm just wondering if he needs to send the letter first, or if he should just go ahead and send the divorce petition?

That's great Darcey, you sound like you are getting somewhere!

My SHL said the same about sending his a warning letter, but it didn't happen like that - he sent through an email with general info, which was worded like the letter would be, and the draft petition was attached to the email.

H ignored the email and draft petition, we gave him a month to respond, and then a further week, specifying a deadline for responding in. H has passed the deadline and still not responding. If you can ask your SHL to send the email with a read-receipt so that they will be notified when the email is opened/read, that might save you the angst of wondering if he has received it or not.

If he doesn't respond to the letter, you can threaten with out proceedings, which is what I have had to do. H still has not responded which is why I am now doing the miam course.

SHL said that although I could apply for exemption from the miam course based on the domestic violence, this is not often granted, and can often cause unnecessary difficulties later on. So he has advised that I go to the maim meeting, explain/show proof of the DV and then they will sign me off as being unsuitable for mediation. Only once that is done can we proceed with court.

It is worth calling and booking a miam appt at your nearest centre as soon as possible, as they can take a while to come through - you can always delay or cancel if you don't need it.

So it is worth chasing any professionals you spoke with for official letters about the domestic abuse in case the letters come in useful at a later date.

Ah thank you for the tips. Just at the freedom course they were saying why mediation can be bad, but your advice sounds good.

What a horror the whole system is!!

Yes! It is all very slow and painful. I only hope we have a fair deal at the end of it all.

OK, I have done all three of my points above. It makes my head go to mush whenever I try any admin, like I'm swimming through a sea of treacle. Nevertheless I persevered today and contacted my lawyer and made an appointment with CAB.

I'm afraid I've not done much more with Form E, I will need to dare to open it up again soon. How have you got on with your Form E? How are things going this week?

Well done Darcey. I know exactly what you mean about swimming through a sea of treacle, that's just how I feel too. Even the littlest task seems so difficult to complete.

I have not got any further with mine. H is being horrible, not seen DDs for a month now - 4 weekends in a row - so I have been dealing with very disappointed children, and am tired from being on the go all of the time, plus work has been very busy - this worries me in itself, as I am self-employed and now earning well at the moment as my parents help with the DDs. But when I move out the help will go, and my hours will have to reduce. I hope this is something the courts take into consideration.

My miam course is tomorrow, and after a call with H I am very unsettled. He was horrible, threatening, controlling on the call, which scared me a little, I know he is going after custody of the children to scare me, and it's totally unsettled me.

He is taking them for the first 2 weeks of summer hols, I will crack on with forms again then.