Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

Name I don't think that sounds scary or fighting talk at all! (just to provide you with a little reality check there...) I hope SHL put a read receipt on it so at least you'll know whether it's been opened or deleted without opening.

But I still don't think you are under any obligation to give him 21 days! You can divorce him whether he wants you to or not. I wonder what he gains by playing games around acknowledgement, is he trying to make you worried about him? Or just being obstructive? Or, having a rethink about the whole situation?

I wonder what he gains by playing games around acknowledgement, is he trying to make you worried about him? Or just being obstructive? Or, having a rethink about the whole situation?
His control over me has always been to do with withholding information - he says 'I didn't hide it from you, I just didn't specifically discuss it with you'.

This could apply to anything and everything - from where/with whom he was going out to that night, why he has a new phone that his friends are calling him on but I have no idea exists, why he invested £75K out of our joint account into an investment without my knowledge, why he forgot to tell me his sister was pregnant, why he didn't tell me his brother is terminally ill , anything and everything.

It really used to mess with my head, nothing felt real in our relationship or interactions with each other.

I spoke to SHL today and he said not to worry - H's denial is normal, and he is basically going through the psychological stages respondents go through when they realise their relationship has actually irretrievably broken down. He is at the Head in the Sand stage, but sooner or later will have to pull himself together and get on with it.

We will give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he didn't receive personal email but he got this one which has gone to his work email.

If we don't hear back in a week then SHL will send a final letter and email saying he has 7 days to respond, and if he doesn't this will be going to court, and H will be liable for court costs. That will get him moving. Then papers are ready to be served.

From what I can gather anyway. I may be totally wrong!

Interesting! My H is at head-in-the-sand stage as well but he thinks he's repaired things and that I've forgotten all about the divorce. Hmmm. I have, in the recent past, always 'given in' for the sake of an easy life and to avoid provoking him into violence but I need to stop that. New papers should be back next week so I need a plan, I don't want to be cruel and make him think that things will be OK, I really feel like I want to be getting on with my life. Our family house is on the market because he 'hates' it, hates the area, I love the area and want to retain ties here so I fully intend to buy something smaller locally. He sent me today details of flat's he's found, not to far away but my heart sank, I don't feel that I can imagine myself living with him ANYWHERE, it occured to me that perhaps I should show him the ones I'm interested in like he might say, 'OK you buy that and it can be your project, I'll live in the other house and not bother you very much'... and it might work, we don't have to split the family, or what's left of it. But, could he live with total compliance to my wishes?? And do the abuser course?? At the moment he's saying he wants to go to relationship counselling but I have to book it, I know that 100% means it won't work and I won't consider it! Gah. Sorry for the ramble.

Hi there, it sounds like you are both doing really well, pushing through despite the odds. It's amazing how many steps it takes. What I still don't understand is if he hates my guts so much, why won't he just let me go???

From reading your posts I'm realising how many steps there are to take to finally get there, and it could easily take a really long time.

I tracked down my solicitor ysterday to talk about my next steps. It's to send him my marriage certificate (that's how behind I am with everything) and write my list of unreasonable behaviour.

What you were saying thatsnot about the coercive behaviour etc is interesting. I'm going to look that all up more fully.

What you were saying about your H saying he wants to do relationship counselling but you have to book it. He sounds exactly the same as my H. Have you read the book by Lundy Bancroft yet? I've just finished it and I totally recommend it, but it does have a section in it about relationship counselling actually being more destructive to an abused woman. I'm still seething with anger about my experience. I told the counsellor a horrific story of how he'd pushed me and injured me when I was pregnant, and she spent the rest of the session

huh - H just walked in the room so had to stop.

She spent the rest of the session trying to make me understand his feelings and his viewpoint. She didn't even blink when I told her what he did to me, or even make any attempt to get him to reflect on my it might be wrong to injure your pregnant wife. Nor what my thoughts and feelings were about the whole episode.

So I would say focus your time and energy as you have been doing on going through with the divorce step by step.

Good luck with it all!!!

Ah just found this on another thread about what couples therapy does for abused women shellybear.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/what-couplesfamily-therapy-does-for-an-abuser-by-lundy-bancroft/

hope that helps

Darcey is it worth you taking a look at the divorce papers and having a go at filling these in yourself? Then you can send to your solicitor to review and amend as needed. A lot of it is quite straight forward - names, addresses etc, and it might make things quicker with solicitor?
hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/HMCTS/GetForm.do?court_forms_id=1115

My H is denying that he ever received the papers, even though he has had the delivered to his work and his personal email addresses. My SHL said we will give him a further 7 days to respond, then he will get a letter saying 'you have 7 days to acknowledge receipt of the papers - if you don't reply in 7 days this will go straight to litigation/court, and you will be liable for the legal costs of this. Something for your SHL to consider as a next step?

This whole process is made so much harder by being so slow, isn't it? I know SHLs are busy and we are just one case in many for them, put its very difficult to put life on hold and be so uncertain of what they future holds.

thats there are some articles online about the stages of divorce, and they are very similar to the stages of grief.

www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-meyer/the-emotional-stages-of-d_b_779816.html

www.tommerrill.com/pg15.cfm

So stage 1 is denial, and I think that is what all of our H's seem to be doing currently.

What you were saying about your H saying he wants to do relationship counselling but you have to book it. He sounds exactly the same as my H.

My H has now said he will go to counselling, but only the marriage/relationship counselling he has found out about and not the abuse counselling because it's a waste of time and money and he is not like those men, he doesn't have a long-term problem etc.

Darcey your counsellor sounds horrific! How can they not hold him to account for injuring you when pregnant? I really don't know much about how counselling works (even though I am seeing one weekly), but that is basic human decency that they are denying. Your H must have been in his element having a professional backing up his behaviour. How stressful for you.

My H has pulled out the next cliche from his bag of tricks - he wants 50:50 custody of the DC, so this will be my next battle with him. Trying not to invest too much time or emotional energy into this battle as I know (hope?) it will fizzle out over time.

Hi Namechanger thanks for the link to that form. My solicitor will probably appreciate me doing that actually, so I'll do it this week just to get things speeded up. I am totally a low priority for my solicitor, as we agreed a fixed fee of £400 (and I still haven't paid him anything) so it's not really in his interest to do any more work for me. But I first used him through women's aid, so at least he is experienced in DV cases.

Your H saying 50:50 custody is hopefully just a scare tactic. I believe nowadays they always call it joint custody, but that might mean he only sees them every other weekend or something. That actually might be a win-win for you both. He 'thinks' he's got joint custody - but he doesn't need to do any of the childcare!

My H will still maintain he wants full custody - so stupid!! It's him trying to find the maximum threat. One time a while ago I kind of called his bluff and said that would suit me fine, and made a big deal of the fact I'd be having a rest and pursuing my own interests, free from the burden of childcare. That soon got him backtracking once he realised he wasn't torturing me, he didn't want to be saddled with the children - total idiot! I'll need to pull that strategy out the bag again I imagine.

How are you finding your individual counselling? I keep thinking about it on and off, as women's aid offered it to me. The main barrier would be finding the childcare for it. But I am feeling better week by week with the Freedom programme - I don't want it to end!

Yeah the joint counselling was a horrific experience. It was at a time when I actually needed lots of support, but didn't think about asking women's aid, and turned to the counselling instead, which just knocked me down even further.

I think I am finding the trick with SHL's is to basically do the work yourself and then get them to ok it. Nothing else seems to work, I guess they have a hundred other divorces on their books, and we are no different.

H is again talking about more counselling - I really don't like it. For him it is about putting the responsibility onto somebody else yet again - this time the counsellor. He will blame them for being rubbish, that's why it didn't work, etc.

My counsellor is ok - she is at a women's support centre, not specifically DV, but to be honest she is a sounding board more than anything else. She has said a few things which make me thing she doesn't have experience working with abuse, but she is very supportive, and she is £5/hour so I don't lose anything by going.

I did contact a counsellor via BACS website, she was ideal as she had experience and only lived 5 mins from me, but I found her very abrupt via text, and a bit of a pain with dates/times so I have left it for now.

I agree with not wanting the Freedom Programme to end! It's very useful for me to understand what has been going on for so long in my marriage, and understanding what his tactics for control might be.

Are you still living with your H? If not, try reading 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. I have found this very useful.

Are there any other forms you can get cracking with? I have a Form E, which covers our finances, and the Decree nisi. To be honest I have no idea when I will need these, but I am going to fill them in so I am ready and waiting instead of playing catch-up.

Thanks name that's good advice on how to handle solicitors.(what does SHL stand for by the way)

Also good point about getting started with Form E. I tried to divorce H in 2012 but I fell down at Form E. It is massive, I didn't complete it, and let the whole divorce slide into oblivion as H wanted.

Yes I am still living with him. I've run away about 10 times in the last four years. Now I'm making a bit of a stand about keeping the house, as the dc are at school and I don't want to unsettle them. But there is no way on earth H would move our. He is the ultimate 'King of the Castle'!!

Yes I've just read Lundy Bancroft thanks. I've seen it recommended on MN for years, but finally bought it a few weeks ago. It has really helped. i had a splitting headache for the few weeks as I read it, and as I finished it, people from all over are commenting how much better i look! The best i've looked in years my mum said! It also coincided with the Freedom Programme going on. But I think both things combined have taken a lot of underlying stress out of my head and gotten rid of it all. Now I've just got to get rid of H!!!

Hi ladies. Im new to mumsnet but whilst googling divorce advice found your thread. I can relate to all the posts. Especially the fake niceness that I'm going through at the moment cos I've told him im seeing a solicitor today about divorce. He's just not accepting it even though he has been abusive (on and off and only a few times phyisical) for 15 years. I'm done. But he's now using the emotional card saying I will be the one who is breaking the family up. We have 2 children. 7 and 5. He made me leave the house on Friday night after he'd had a few drinks so I had to go and sleep at my mums. He doesn't get that he has slowly eaten away at my energy and self esteem over the years and I've now snapped. I want out. But he's saying he'll change and never drink again. I've heard it a million times before. And I don't believe him. I also can't forgive him even if he did change. Which he won't. He's started seeing a counsellor but that seems to have just given him an excuse for why he's been vile to me over the years. Cos of the trauma he's dealing with from his childhood. Well now he's caused me trauma from the way he's has taken that out on me. Will see what the solicitor says today. I'm glad I found this post as it makes me realise I'm but the only person going through this. Thanks. ??

Hi Trying welcome to the thread! I'm glad you found this thread and you thought it helped you. It's sad what we're all going through, but the good thing is we are finally taking control of things, and that's why the men are making it so hard for us.

Good luck with your meeting today with the solicitor - let us know how it goes.

Hi trying welcome, sorry to hear you are going through this too.

It's a long and exhausting process I am finding. The emotional side is hard and I am taking it quite badly at the moment. I need to buckle up. I need to tackle the beast that is the Form E now, as I am really letting that slide and losing control of the situation now.

I think bank statements for the past 12 months are needed so I will order these.

I'm having a tough time emotionally dealing with the divorce and life feels unbearably sad right now. I will try to get organised and see if that helps - my apathy probably doesn't add anything positive right now!

darcey how is your form E going? Do you fancy a partner through this process? Perhaps we print and get started Page 1 and 2 tomorrow?

Hi namechanger I'm feeling exactly the same as you right now.
Darcet: The solicitor was 2 hours. He costs a fortune! That was a big shock as well. It was just so sad discussing it all. And I'm pretty exhausted by the whole thing. I Feel like I need to regroup and find some energy before I can start again. The easier option is definitely to stay put. But that would be compromising yourself right? And also I can't get my head round disrupting the childrens lives. Making them move from place to place each week. Any ideas what you will do with the children? H is still in denial. Keeps trying to kiss me whih is just yuk to me. I wish he would just let me go quietly.

Hi name I would love a partner in the process! But I hope I don't end up holding you back. Did you get hold of the form E yourself, or do I need to get the solicitor to send me it?

have you made a start to it already?

I'm sorry you are finding it tough at the moment, but you do sound like you've done a lot already. I think it is hard because we need to be really proactive and almost pushy with people, and what we'll get at the end is single-motherhood and hardly any money. I'll be needing to claim benefits. It's a hard goal to aim for at the end. It's not like we're applying for the job of our dreams.

Sure I'll have gotten rid of H in a way, but from reading stories on mumsnet, and from people in my freedon group, it sounds like he will always be there causing me problems, even when we are divorced.

It's basically a lot of admin work when we're feeling low, and what can seem like hardly any gain.

I know how you feel trying, the solicitor is exhausting, and it is a sad and lonely thing to go through by yourself. Would you consider going on the freedom programme? It has really helped me. I've also asked to join a gingerbread group in my local area, for single parents. I haven't gone along yet as I'm still living with H

Hi Darcey and Trying I hope you are both well.

Let's do this together. We can. We deserve better than this. I have been a wreck all week, today I have made plans to go out, and even if I do this all on autopilot without any feelings, I will have to do it.

Darcey - the form E can be found here: hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/HMCTS/GetForm.do?court_forms_id=1125

I have not yet made a start even though the plan was to do one page every day and have it done it a month. I have a friend who has been through this and said it's really important to get down everything you can esp regarding costs for raising your children. I am already running low on money so I need to do this right.

Sure I'll have gotten rid of H in a way, but from reading stories on mumsnet, and from people in my freedon group, it sounds like he will always be there causing me problems, even when we are divorced.

Yes, I am trying to think of this as a positive, as I keep wobbling and thinking I am making a big mistake, and DC will grow up without a dad. But he will be around, and really only 2 things can happen:
1 - he will carry on being as he has been for the past 9 years and I will be sighing a big breath of relief that I have left
2 - he will realise his errors and become the wonderful dad and wonderful partner he never was. This would be lovely and we can get back together again in the future if so.
Let's see which way he swings. In the meantime we need to work on self-esteem and self-confidence, or I do anyway.

I know how you feel trying, the solicitor is exhausting, and it is a sad and lonely thing to go through by yourself.

One piece of advice I got on another thread - do not treat your SHL (shit-hot lawyer/solicitor) as your counsellor - this will cost you money. So I am using other, cheaper means to work out my feelings, and trying to see SHL as an admin person to help me through the paperwork. I hope this helps to keep costs down. FWIW, I don't actually have a solicitor, I have a direct-access barrister - they cut out the middle man of the solicitor, but it means you have to do alot more of the work yourself. It might be worth considering, but they are still very expensive (my one charges £300/hour + vat!)

Would you consider going on the freedom programme? It has really helped me. I've also asked to join a gingerbread group in my local area, for single parents. I haven't gone along yet as I'm still living with H

I am also doing the FP, I would really recommend it trying. Please do access all support you can. I also go to a local womens support centre and have a weekly counsellor, and I post on MN alot. I also read a lot of books - Lundy Bancroft is worth a read and will help you to understand him a little more, and this book on boundaries is great too.

Finally, as my disclaimer, I am feeling low and overwhelmed by this process too. I am not as together as this post makes me sound, but somehow there is strength from holding hands and doing this together. Let's do this.

Thanks for the book tip name I've just bought it!

i've also bought this one that was recommended at the back of the Lundy one:
www.amazon.co.uk/Its-My-Life-Now-Relationship/dp/0415953251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433141550&sr=8-1&keywords=its+my+life+now

Thanks for your positive message. We CAN do it, and we will do it together! it really boosted my mood so thank you.

I'll download Form E today and make a start, and let you know my progress.

And good advice on how to view your solicitor. :)

Great, I will make a start on this tonight. I am terrible with keeping on top of paperwork so this will help me greatly too

That book looks great - I am going to get that and also one about the effects on children: When Dad hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft

Hi ladies. I have "living with the dominator" book It's so on point. My husband is the liar. It perfectly depicts him. Right now I'm emotionally exhausted. I have no strength for anything. And he's still being fake nice. Even bought flowers yesterday. Same cycle as always. Be nice. Get me back to thinking I can stay then he'll get drunk and be vile again. Just a matter of time. My solicitor called today to see if I'm ok and what my next step is. He's been great to be honest. I'm just regrouping right now. I've got no energy to fight this. It's so hard breaking up a family. Hope u ladies r staying strong.

Hi, can I join you?

My stbxh has received the letter but I'm not sure if he has responded to the solicitor. They haven't told me anything so I have just chased them up and asked them about the next steps.

I just looked at form e and I'm in shock! I am not looking forward to completing that.

I agree, it's very hard, esp when you feel like you are the one to blame for breaking up the family, when we really are not the problem. If the H treated us like a normal human being we would not have to leave our marriages.

I'm okay, saw my counsellor today and feeling a bit stronger. Till he started doing fake nice again today. Will try to stick at it and keep going with the process as much as I can.

Hello isntthatpip welcome!
Sorry you are in the same boat - let's get this done together.

My H is also not responding to the email from my solicitor with the draft divorce petition. We sent it twice, once to his personal email and once to his work email and he is saying to relatives he has not received the papers.

Next step is - SHL will give him 7 days grace, and then will email again and say please respond to acknowledge receipt, otherwise we will go straight to court, and H will be liable for the legal fees from the delay. So I'm hoping that will get him moving. Did yours suggest any next steps?

Right, I have the Form E in front of me. Shall we get started?

Ok, section 1 (pages 2 and 3) is nearly done.

I am confused about section 1.13, the one about child support maintenance. I'll google that tomorrow.

Mostly straightforward, where it asked about the health of the DC I did put down that one DC wears glasses and has to have regular eye checks which I have to take time off work to attend.

It took me less than 10 mins to complete that bit, I'll google the outstanding bit tomorrow and then that bit is done too hopefully.

How are you getting on?