Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

With Form E I decided not to treat it as the final version that goes to the solicitor. So I haven't written in full sentences, made notes and typos etc, and will just use this as a base to document info as I find it.

I will rewrite the whole thing sensibly once I have gathered all of the info, as I think these are two separate tasks.

Oh dear his custody threat is so bad - especially as he hasn't seen the children for a month.

That's stressful about your job too, but great it's going well. I'm getting stressed about whether to put money in my account too, as technically that makes it half his, or I'm less dependent on his money. But you never know how long that will all take to go through - could be another year yet

Yes I hope the month without seeing them, etc will all count against him in any custody application he makes. I am collecting letters re: his violence, and he has a drink-driving conviction/years ban from before we married - approx 15 years ago, I don't know if that will count against him?

I guess the money thing must be a common factor in all divorces - I know there is a bit in the Form E asking if you expect earnings to change after divorce, so I suppose we fill that bit in and hope for the best outcome for us and our children.

I guess the important thing about earning money is showing that you need it to feed/clothe/house your children?

It's not a crime to earn money, but it does feel like it at the moment!

Hi everyone. I've been posting a bit in divorce and relationships so wanted to say hello and join in if that's ok as I'm just starting out on this.
I finally had the chat with my H on Sun and despite all my worst fears he left calmly on Mon after we'd spoken to the kids together. I'm slightly concerned he's playing the 'nice and reasonable' game as a tactic to convince me what a mistake I'm making.
Not actually planning to take things any further with solicitor just yet. Thought I'd let the dust settle a bit as I feel a bit emotionally strung out after the last few days. Or maybe I should just get on with it?

Hiya, welcome, I hope you are ok. It's great to share advice and learnings, I am also relatively new to this process, but getting my head around things v slowly.

I would just plough ahead with things as and when you can - the whole process seems to take so long anyway, from waiting for the solicitor to respond, to gathering the necessary paperwork together.

I am going on my miam course today, and need to take evidence of H's assault with me, so they will sign me off as being unsuitable for mediation. All I have is a letter from children's headteacher, and a letter from social worker stating that I left due to DV incident witnessed by the children. i am hoping this is enough.

The miam meeting went very well, the mediator was very sympathetic and informative, she basically took a few notes about my situation (DDs details, property basics), asked me if I wanted to go down the road of mediation, and I said no, which she said does not count against me in any way in front of a judge.

I had to give her reasons why, and so we discussed the DV, financial and coercive control. She didn't ask to see any of the letters I took along. She said she will sign my form A(?) as saying I will not be going through mediation, and will send back the version that pertains to finances, and the version for children's access, back to me.

Working late and half asleep now, but I will add in further info tomorrow if I get a chance.

Basically it's very straightforward and if you are in a busy area like me (London), it might be getting this booked in if your H is an unresponsive arse like mine.

Night all

Ooh that is a really positive story. My SHL just asked me for the go ahead for financial mediation this week. I will jut google miam now.

Also financial control has been one of the worst problems of our marriage, but is that something you felt you had to prove to the mediator, or was she happy just to take your word for it?

Presumably your stbxh will have to pay for your costs if he tries to fight the financial settlement you ask for? (I think I asked you before, but just double checking as my shl said it could cost up to £20,000 if we argue over finances.

Also - my stbxh now has the divorce petition waiting for him when he gets back this evening! I wish I knew what was in he envelope. It is the petition which I have approved, but I'm guessing it must have a letter with it. Shl didn't show it to me, and I emailed asking of sorts, but anyway, I'll let you know how stbxh reacts tonight. Hopefully not too badly.

For mediation - call these guys and they will book something in for you: www.nfm.org.uk

I did have to chase them, it took a week or to for a place to become available so do that asap and you can always cancel later if not needed.

I didn't have to prove anything at all - I had letters about the DV, but no evidence for anything else. She didn't ask to see the DV letters, or ask for any proof of financial control, she did ask for a few basic details around it but kept saying she is not a solicitor and everything she says/writes will stay confidential.

I really don't know about who pays the costs of fighting finances, we are so far away from that at the moment. It's been 2 months since my SHL served him the draft papers and he still refuses to acknowledge them, hence the need for court proceedings. H is just horrible and will be happy to drag this out for years if there is money involved.

Good luck for tonight. I hope it goes ok.

Hi there,

I shouldn't be surprised based on your and thatnots experience, but I basically spent 5 whole days and nights plucking up the courage to give him the solicitor's letter which contained the divorce petition. He clocked the solicitor's logo on the envelope and threw it straight into the bin.

This is combined with him saying he is taking the kids abroad over the summer without me and there is nothing I can do about it. (my son is still breastfeeding about 10 times every night.)

Plus he loves me, and he will get full custody of the kids, and keep the house and I'll need to pay him maintenance.

Then he revealed he has checked all my emails and my calendar, and he knows what I'm planning with my solicitor.

I am sooo drained and exhausted. I've got the kids on top of me now, but I'll need to email my shl in the middle of the night.

I'm so glad I've got an shl though. I've felt this stressed plenty of times in the past, but now at least I have someone else in my corner.

Oh no, that sounds very stressful Darcey

Can you email shl and ask him to serve the papers via special delivery/recorded delivery, and in a plain envelope? Or ask him if you can do this yourself?

DO you think he will take the DC abroad alone? It sounds like an empty threat to me, as he would then have to cope with DCs alone and abroad, without you there doing it all for him. Maybe play along with this, and see what he does? He sounds like he is doing this all to rile you, and get a reaction.

Is he really seeing your emails or bluffing? Can you do the obvious things like set up a new email address or change password?

Glad you have an SHL too. Mine advised taking screenshots of any important text messages from H and printing them out so I have a hard copy of everything. I have saved 220 screenshots and am now downloading them off my phone. Also to keep records of all your conversations - either as a diary or email them to yourself for now and you can compile when feeling stronger?

Hope you are ok [tea]

Ah thanks name I'm so glad we've got this support thread going on!

The kids use my iPad and he must check it when I leave it unattended. I'll hide it tonight while I work out how to delete email from it.

Also there is no where safe in the house really, so I think he goes through my papers when I'm out or upstairs with the kids.

Is there any way you can get him to leave the house? Permanently I mean?

Hmm not really, she wrote to him and asked him to move out. But no way is 'king of the castle' going to do that. Then we had the back up plan of an injunction or something, but he's been arrested twice for dv this year, and it has scared him, so I don't think he'll be violent again.

He does harass me, so I am wondering about reporting that next time, then seeing if that could mean I could get an injunction or something? Shl not too concerned about that really. But I might write everything down together and see if that looks more powerful.

I've ran away about 3 times before with the kids. Each time has been 100% awful, and not a solution in any way. But tonight u started feeling the same way I felt back then. Where running away is the only way I can survive. Now for the first time I've got an shl onside (of sorts) so I won't do anything rash. But at the same time I need to do something!

Can you realistically think about leaving? Could you go to a refuge or a friends home for a bit?

Things only really got moving for me when I took the irreversible action of telling my family about the abuse and actually leaving the house with my belongings - I did it when H was abroad for work.

My miam meeting was 10 days ago, and still no certificate. I called them today, and they mislaid my paperwork, there is no certificate being processed. So I have to wait another week to get the paperwork through. In the meantime I also contacts Women's Aid and they sent through confirmation that I called the Domestic violence Helpline, which I hope helps to provide proof of DV.

I have no idea what this means for my case though. H is still not providing any money towards children, and is still being an arse. I want this to be over so I can move on but he is going to make this all very difficult for us.

Hi name that's terrible he's not providing any money for the children. I hope you will be able to back claim all maintenance since you moved out. Plus nightmare they lost your paperwork, but thank goodness you called to check as you could have been waiting ages.

H has switched into fake good behaviour last 2 days. But I'm working out a contingency plan for escaping. This 'cycle of abuse' is so bad, as if he was so terrible all the time, I'd be off like a shot. And I know he is still bad, but I'm so exhausted at his fake nice times, I'm just grateful for some relief.

Anyway I started reading the huffington post divorce pages yesterday - and now i have a whole new positive outlook!

Basically H is so bad and I going around proving to everyone how bad he is, hoping that the more I can prove it, the more justice will come my way.

But what I need to focus on is my goals and plans, which is getting the divorce and finances and custody settled as soon as possible so I can move on with my life.

It might sound obvious, but now I feel more focused on what I want (justice is not going to happen, but a divorce and financial resolution of some description will).

Also there is a book I'm going to buy: "if divorce is a game, these are the rules" it's by a 'divorce coach' looks just what I need. Will try and link to it now

www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Game-These-are-Rules/dp/099166969X

This is the book

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6120170

This is the article I found useful in focussing my mind

Basically H is so bad and I going around proving to everyone how bad he is, hoping that the more I can prove it, the more justice will come my way.

Thanks Darcey! I realised I have been doing exactly this! I keep churning out the details of his bad behaviour to justify me leaving him. But he was horrible, I know that, I also need to focus on moving on.

Hi Darcey and everyone else, hope you are well.

My SHL has emailed me - he said we have given H long enough to respond to draft divorce petition, and now we should proceed to court papers!

Very scary, but it has to be done as H's arsey behaviour continues, and I will no way be staying in this relationship.

So I have 4 copies of the divorce papers to send to court, and a fe of £410 to pay. And then I guess it all begins.

Luckily H has the children for the first 2 weeks of the summer hols, and so I have time to gather paperwork etc.

The slowest thing so far seems to be the waiting for responses from people, so I am trying to chase people as much as I can. The MIAM certificate still has not arrived, I am less than impressed having spend £96 for one hour session, that the follow up has not been more efficient. It's no wonder divorce takes so long and is so traumatic for all involved.

Hello Darcey and everyone, can I join you?

I'm also in an abusive relationship and in the early stages of divorce.

My husband has had the letter and petition (or possibly draft petition?) from my solicitor and has become more abusive than ever. He's been to see a solicitor and they responded by asking whether we would be content to agree to restrict my claim for costs to £1,000 and whether we would agree to give my husband the opportunity to defend the particulars in the event that they are raised in the context of financial matters. My solicitor suggested I agree to this so I've agreed.

Is this standard blurb from his solicitor I wonder? I can't imagine the particulars being used in a financial context as I haven't really said anything apart from the fact that he's verbally abusive and can't wait to get rid of me.

The reason my solicitor asked if he would pay my costs is because he earns approx 10 times more than me. It doesn't look like I'll be able to get him to pay my costs but £1,000 is better than nothing I suppose.

My husband says he doesn't think I should get any more than 50% of the house and that he will go to court if he has to. He said I can have 50% of the house plus ten thousand pounds and that's it! How dare he? I gave up a good career to raise the children and look after the home, if I hadn't given up my career who knows where I would be now? As it is, I had to accept a rather humble job three years ago because he invested in his friends business without me knowing and lost almost all of our money! Bastard! I didn't however, cite this as one of the reasons for divorce, as my solicitor said it was best to go for an amicable divorce so that's what I'm doing. Not easy though when a man has been emotionally and physically abusive is it? He's lucky I didn't cite the real reasons for divorce!

I've got this week off so I'm going to try and fill out the E form and do a few jobs round the house so we can put it on the market in September. I've got so much to do that I don't know where to start! I took one look at the E form yesterday and realised that I don't know anything about our finances because he's always dealt with everything. I asked him if I could have copies of the bank statements and we got into an argument and he ended up calling me a c*unt! He's never used that word before so it came as a bit of a shock. I guess things have to get worse before they get better but I am finding it so hard.

I am going to get in the shower now and then I'm going to phone the banks and the land registry to see if I can get the documentation I need.

Wishing everyone on this thread the very best of luck. We have to stay strong.

Sorry, I meant to ask how everybody else's divorce proceedings are coming along. Any updates?

This is a wonderfully supportive thread by the way, I've learned so much by reading your posts.

Hi all, I haven't been around for ages, I'd taken a few small steps forward and now a few giant leaps backwards. We had 3 busy weekends in a row, socially, so in order to maintain a united front I've brushed everything under the carpet. Now h thinks all is fine and dandy. Except that he's very worried I'm going to divorce him (duh?) so a few times when he's been unbearable I just have to say the word and he turns apologetic, nice as pie. I feel mean, he has been clearly so abusive in the past but I just forget about it. I need to clarify what I want which is to get a new job and stay living in London (h says he's had enough of London and wants to move to the countryside. My nightmare and the kids would never visit.).

I'm in such a muddle. I'm seeing the counsellor tonight, hopefully will get some insight. I watched a documentary about girls with autism last week and am convinced I'm a clear case of high functioning autism, which I'm convinced has made me gullible, too people pleasing. But I'm not sure if that's not just being self indulgent. I had such a bad childhood.

And we've received a good offer on our house. And as predicted, H is trying to bully me into buying what he wants as the next place when my intention is to take my half of the money and buy a place of my own. I really need to do something, don't I? But what?

Apologies for the long ramble! I've not read back, will do so when I'm at work today I'd been avoiding everything and have decided to regain momentum.