Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

Oh I could cry. I contacted social services safeguarding team to get a copy of the records from Hs assault. I received them today and they are full of errors, including DDs names, name of school, headteachers name, and seem to be written in a very biased way - e.g. mum showed photos of bruising but they were very light and minor, and these are inconsistent to where I allege he hit me.

Basically, I sound like a liar. The marks are faint because the police didn't take pics until 5 days after the assault. So the scratches had healed by then, and the bruise was fading.

I don't know how important that all is, will discuss with my shl. I don't think it is important in the grand scheme of divorcing, but it's disappointing none the less.

My husband has had the letter and petition (or possibly draft petition?) from my solicitor and has become more abusive than ever. He's been to see a solicitor and they responded by asking whether we would be content to agree to restrict my claim for costs to £1,000 and whether we would agree to give my husband the opportunity to defend the particulars in the event that they are raised in the context of financial matters. My solicitor suggested I agree to this so I've agreed

Laugh I hope you are ok. This doesn't sound right to me. Surely if he is earning 10x more than you your sol should be pushing for him to pay more of the costs? Why did your sol agree to this, can you ask them? I'm not legally trained/aware in any way, but I would want to know the rationale behind that decision.

Name sorry to hear things are not going smoothly for you. We also have a flat sale going through and I have advised the sols to keep all of the proceeds from the sale in their (sol) account, and only release on joint instruction from H and me, or via a court order. This prevents H from taking all of the proceeds himself and doing what he wants with them. Maybe worth a try to secure some finances?

Namechanger I doubt that the detail of the report will make a big difference, but the fact that the record is there makes it clear what happened, shame about the wrong names, etc, but as you say, discuss with SHL whether this is worth raising. I can't remember, did you report it to the police at the time or was it after the attack?

Thanks for your information re: flat sale, I haven't told my solicitor yet that we've accepted an offer. As far as H thinks, we are NOT getting divorced at the moment but I've made it clear that I'm not going to be bullied into buying another property of his choosing. I was thinking that we'd 'split' the proceeds of the house if/when it sells (as it's a v large amount of money to have in cash so will have to be split into several accounts) but I'm being naive, I'm sure., the solicitors account might be better as long as it's protected.

Laugh I agree that it seems a bit premature to agree a fee restriction at this point, if he is abusive or manipulative in any way you may find yourself at a disadvantage. Can you get advice from a WA solicitor (if yours isn't used to dealing with manipulative men?) or just clarify what the implication of that agreement would mean.

Thats I do have other documentation about the assault - letters from school, Women's Aid, and am waiting for one from the GP. But the sol did say previously that the DV isn't really taken into account - this is now a dispute about finances and children, and not really about why the marriage ended. I need to get court proceedings underway, but as always, I am scared of making the next move. Every time there is a big move to make aI have a few days of panic, and I am going through this now, stomach is churning, esp since the social workers report is inaccurate, it makes me question the whole legal/official process and whether I can trust this to get a fair deal for me and my children.

I also thought naively that H would split the proceeds of the flat sale, but in hindsight I was crazy to think that, and it's been my ridicuously high level of trust in him that has kept me in an abusive marriage for so long. I just emailed the sol dealing with the house sale and told him to hold the proceeds, and that was it. Quite nice and straightforward to do, for a change!

I need to get the sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach today, I feel awful. I am going to work and then maybe try to do some exercise today. I need to survive this and it's only just the beginning. Getting on with my divorce paperwork always helps me to feel more in control again so I will be doing some of that today as well.

I hope you are all having better days than me.

Namechanger the more I hear about your H the more I utterly dislike him! I hope your day is looking up and I hope you can do something fun, as you've got some time to yourself.

Shouldn't remind you..but he is a TOTAL JERK for not giving you some money over this time, I know you have the moral high ground but maybe you should be in the FMH for a little holiday if you want? As it's yours and not just his as he seems to think? He could stay with his parents for a few days and you could be there with the kids and mess up his stuff with kid's clutter as you say, you've trusted that he has your best interests at heart whereas it seems he only has HIS interests at heart. I'd have thought that your leaving would have shaken him up more!

Aplogies if that's not helpful I being of Asperger's characteristics (presumed.. although it may just be H's malevolent influence) never know what the right thing to say is!

Thats thank you, that is a great idea, but H would never agree to that. His parents live 4 hours away, and he simply would not go just to give me and DDs some space there.

He does see it as his house, and as it's in a different city and none of our belongings are there anymore, I also think it would be difficult to go back.

I really loved the house, so it's hard to go back there and know it's not mine anymore. He has rearranged bedrooms, got new tv in etc, and so it does feel like his and not mine anymore. It was weird to go back and see things moved around to his taste - it was almost like he was thinking 'great, she has gone now, I can do what I want'

I'm a bit up and down today, very much shaken by the inaccurate report from social services, but I need to work and to get stuff done, so I just have to get over it and move on.

I hope seeing your counsellor tonight will help, I always feel much better after seeing mine. Wishing you lots of strength!

Name I have this problem too, of thinking 'it's his money, his house, he can call the shots'... in the eyes of the law it's just as much your house as his (perhaps more because of the kids, etc) and I think that he's living how he wants while you have to make all the compromises. But you don't need to be told that! Has your solicitor put a timescale on the proceedings, you should be at the point soon where you're looking at getting your own place, 'his' house should be on the market by now! Does he need jolting out of his comfy new life?

PS have a nice day . Never mind about the report, dissapointment but no one will be reading it. Same with me, the caution for assault H received doesn't feature in the divorce proceedings.

Name, so sorry to hear about the problems you're having with social services, hopefully once you've spoken to them they will be able to amend the records and send them back to you in good time. As for anyone thinking you're a liar - I think you should have some faith in the fact that you have letters from school, Women's Aid, and your GP. I'm no expert but it sounds as if you have a more than enough evidence to me. As for the pics, if you can prove the police didn't take them until 5 days after the assault, that would surely explain why the scratches has healed and the bruising had faded. Obviously these are anxious times for you so it could be that you're worrying too much. All I can say is I know the feeling because I am worrying about everything. I keep telling myself that 'this too shall pass' and to get on with it but I'm not finding it easy. I hope you're having a better day today. Did you manage to speak to your solicitor?

Name/Thats, with regard to my solicitor suggesting that I agree to my husband paying just £1,000 of my costs - I'm not sure why he suggested I should agree to this, but he has a very good reputation, so for the moment, I am going along with everything he says. I think perhaps he wants us to be seen as 'reasonable' so that if it ever does go to court, we get a better deal. In highlight I should have clarified the situation but I didn't. And at £250 per hour, I am reluctant to question anything!

If truth be told, I'm not interested in shafting my husband, I just want what is rightfully mine and to be able to get on with the rest of my life. I'm already exhausted with it all and it's only just started.

Whats, I know what you mean about your H being abusive and then nice as pie. My H brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning and I had to remind myself that he'd shouted at me and called me a c*nt a couple of days ago. I think this is often referred to as the 'cycle of abuse' - this is when the abuser turns from sweet and seemingly kind to angry and hurtful. It's all about manipulation and control.

I found this quote under the Mumsnet domestic violence blog the other day. If ever I am in any doubt, this is why I should leave:

"Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave."RealityIsMyOnlyValentine

Hope everybody reading this has a positive day today. I've got some jobs to do round the house and then I'm going to do some more work on my E form.

That's,

Oh dear, I just realised I called you What's! Sorry about that!

We separated and he refused to use mediation. We ended up using lawyers.

Sorry, I should have read a bit more. Your divorce sounds more than averagely difficult. Sending positive vibes.

Maybe his reasoning is that if you can keep H happy, he may agree to a better financial agreement overall which you could use towards your costs? Who knows. Glad he has a good reputation though.

I am just sick with worry over the whole thing, can't concentrate and can't think about much else at the moment. I am getting things moving slowly but surely, but I am not pushing ahead as well as I could be. I feel a bit paralysed with worry at the moment.

Good luck with the Form E, I was told to get a lever arch folder, 15 dividers, and start storing everything I needed in there. It was a great tip in keeping me organised, as there are lots of bits of paperwork required.

Laugh could you perhaps call WA/any other solicitor for an opinion on the charges? Perhaps there is a good reason but you should be fully on board and at 250 per hour 1000 doesn't go very far if he is planning on getting agressive or trying to shaft you! My solicitor, who seems good (and abuse aware) has suggested in the past that I don't go thhe route of injunctions, etc, to keep things on a less litigeous (sp?) footing and therefore cheaper.

I keep wondering about what paperwork I'm supposed to be sorting, I handle most of our family finances (though he earns most of the money) we have essentially no private pensions, and I figure that our joint properties value will be split 50/50 (he's threatened to make one 'unsellable' but that's in the past). I know I'd be entitled to some proportion of the value of his business but I'd consider anything I'd get out of that to be a bonus, no idea how we'd go about establishing the value. So, no paperwork. We've run down most savings on DC's education. Scary when I boil it down, so to speak, I could be very vulnerable financially.

Thats, I hear what you're saying about WA solicitors but I've chosen not to go down that route because I can't prove that he physically abused me. He has physically abused me several times in the past but thankfully it has never been more than a push or a thump. So taking everything into consideration I decided to take my solicitor's advice and try and go for an 'amicable' divorce and so far it seems to be working as the bastard seems to be cooperating.

We've got no private pensions either because he had to sell his a few years ago when he messed up financially and I've never had a private pension. As I said in a previous post, he invested in his friends business without my knowledge and lost almost all of our savings. I was particularly upset because we had to take my son out of school and send him to college because we could no longer afford the school fees. This is something I can't forgive him for. That said, my son settled in really well so we are hopeful he will get good A level results.

I don't know much about your personal circumstances but a 50/50 split seems low to me, especially as you have a DC and your husband has his own business. I suppose it depends on whether you are going for maintenance as well. As always, these things are complicated, that's why we need good solicitors to negotiate on our behalf. Hope it all goes well for you anyway, how far are you down the line?

Name, hope you're okay after your earlier post this morning. Just remember that what is coming is far better than what is gone. Keep going!

Thanks for the tip about the lever arch folder - good idea!

Hiya, how are you doing? No news from me, I have still got court papers at home and am too scared to send them off. At the same time, H has the DDs for 2 weeks, and is not doing much with them, but it does give me a much-needed break. It's the longest he has ever had them and I am dying to see them again and hold them, it feels like they have been away forever.

Keep flitting between thinking I should progress things quickly, and then wondering if I am making a huge mistake and should be getting back together with him, even though he continues to be financially abusive. I am a bit all over the place tbh.

Paperwork situation is a little bit better as I reported my injuries to the GP a few week after the event, and I asked for letter from them which cam through and has lots of accurate details - I am amazed he took such details notes from the appt! It has made me feel much better even though it is unlikely to affect anything in the longer-term.

Hope you are all doing ok?

I'm in a similar place name but with less backbone than you. Flitting on a daily basis! I feel I'll fall apart without his money. Pathetic. Helps grow a backbone please!

Agh, how do we come to be like this? It's so easy to tell other people what to do and it all seems so difficult to apply to ourselves.

I'm terrified about living alone and growing old alone. I have lots of friends and family around and I was actually far more isolated when I was living with H. But I feel unable to cope now and no idea why.

I'm another one who keeps flitting, although I can't for the life of me understand why as the last few years have been hell!

I have written a list in my iPhone (so he can't find it) of all the reasons why I want us to split up and every time I find myself weakening I look at the list to remind myself why I want to divorce him.

The trouble is I love him and hate him at the same time so I am finding it difficult.

Laugh do you think you really love him or is it just that he's what you're used to, and all the history you've got together? That is where I am at the moment... we have been doing many things as a couple recently and I feel like I just don't know any more.

I am furious that he ridicules my desire for a 'career' (aged 50...took a few years off when the kids were doing A levels, etc, because he said it would be all my fault if they failed because I'd prioritised my career above them, now he wants to write me off. I've got good skills and am thinking that I could plan something to take me through the next 10 years, why not?) and says I am too old and then he sends me emails from work that I 'wont understand' to prove I'm not capable...that the only reason we're OK financially is that he's earned all the money and that I'm kidding myself that I could do it on my own.

I think I'm feeling quite furious at the moment! We've agreed an offer on our house and he's insisting that the next thing we buy is chosen by him (he says pathetically 'don't you care about your husband? don't you care what HE wants?' and doesn't even see the irony when I say in reply ...'what about what I want?' he seriously thinks that his needs should come before mine.) and the fact that I presented him with a divorce petition about a month ago means nothing?!?!!

I need to get the re-issued one over to him, I guess, but it means having the papers 'served'. I am just not strong enough to do this and he knows it.

Are there any other options??? 1) make myself so undesirable that he dumps me. 2) leave town, or the country but then I lose all my money invested in the house etc 3) move out into a rental flat... sigh, this is what I keep coming back to, I think it's my only option in order to let him know I'm serious about divorcing him. I've been as far as handing over the deposit 2 or 3 times in the past 6 months but then I get panicked about money and chicken out...

The thing is, it's not that I am so serious about divorcing him per se, I would be perfectly happy to remain married if he would cease harrassing me and let me live the life I want-- in my preferred area, with a job I could happily go to each day, do what I want to evenings and weekends. Sadly he told me that I was being so badly behaved this morning that I was causing him to have a heart attack and I just said good, I hope it's fatal

It sounds like we are all in the same position! None of us want to divorce, but none of us want to remain married to our Hs as they currently are.

I have found this thread useful in understanding him: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2435635-what-do-narcissists-feel?

I have to serve papers but I am scared of him getting them, is going got court, and this divorce being finalised. He is still being controlling and continues to hide finances from me, so I have no idea why I want to stay.

I suppose we are all just used to our lives being as they were, and want to cling on.

Thats - can you stay until papers are served, and then you have a chance of keeping the house afterwards? What does your sol suggest?

thanks for the link Name, great thought provoking posts, I've just read yours and he shares many characteristics with my H...never happy, always on the brink of being happy but something is always wrong (it's never him, always blames something or someone). I'm not entirely sure H is a narc, although he clearly is, but the post about having to reflect his ideal image back to him (can't remember the exact wording but it was great, very insightful) is EXACTLY how it is with us.

We had an 'argument' this morning. The first thing he said when he woke up is that I am not affectionate enough (read as I don't want sex/do it with enthusiasm). I was getting ready for work. He said I should take the morning off and talk to him. He started shouting at me (talking in a very raised voice) and followed me downstairs, not moderating his voice at all, woke up DS (22, he was getting up for work anyway) and still wouldn't be quiet, listing everything I do to upset him (he has a tummyache because his dinner was served late last night because I was at Pilates class and he couldn't be bothered to put it on a plate himself so didn't eat until 10:00, etc etc) basically about how unfair that I get everything I want (?) while he doesn't get looked after...DS left for work then I got a text from him... 'Can you just fucking leave him already'... it actually sent a shiver, I have tried so hard to keep things on an even keel and give H every chance to change but it just isn't happening. And I'm too timid and too much of a pushoever to do anything about it.

And the papers are sitting there, ready to serve! Give me strength!!

PS I am not sure how helpful my sol actually is... he rarely contacts me but is always helpful when I contact him, I think he feels sorry for me and is trying to save money on unneccessary contact which I appreciate, but I'm not moving forward. I had another consultation with sols who, seeing his police caution for assault urged me to get a non-mol order but I think they were over keen because all contact would have subsequently gone through them at ?250 per hour... I don't like being taken for a mug!

I moved out and rented with my kids while the FMH was sold and that still wasn't enough for my H to realize we are over!! Keep going round in circles, I want to move on but feel I cant :(

PS I am not sure how helpful my sol actually is... he rarely contacts me but is always helpful when I contact him, I think he feels sorry for me and is trying to save money on unneccessary contact which I appreciate, but I'm not moving forward.

Mine is the same, and I think this is a good thing. Sol/Judge will look at the cold facts infront of them, they will not be thinking about my feelings/history with H.

I keep reminding myself it's not sol's job to be nice, it would be bloody expensive emotional support if he is spending time chatting to me! In fact I wasted my first meeting with him doing just that. I gave him a 45 min blow-by-blow account of H's wrongdoings and then got 15 mins quick advice at the end of it. For £350.

Your sons text message to you is fantastic. Tell him you have the papers and can he please support you and help you serve them. He loves you and could be a great emotional support - it sounds like he already knows your H is an abusive bully.