Poised on the brink of starting a divorce... anyone share experiences of jumping over the edge?

[Darcey2105]

I saw a solicitor today to talk about how I can get away from my abusive husband, but not lose all my legal rights etc.

The first question he asked me was whether I wanted to divorce. It really shook me actually, I have been plotting for months to flee in the dead of night. But to think about divorce made it sound so final. All I have to do is send a letter. It sounds so simple, but I am still hesitating over doing it.

For those of you wo have started divorce proceedings yourself, did you send a letter to begin with? Was it a complete surprise to your husband? What happened next?

Hi thatsnotmyname and namechanger how are you getting on with everything this week?

I have been finding things quite hard, my H is refusing to acknowledge the solicitor's letter. He has upped his 'good behaviour' this week, and it is really tempting to forget about the divorce myself, and get on with a 'normal' life.

But on the other side, I am doing the freedom programme at the moment and realising what I thought was a 'mildly' abusive relationship, but not that bad really, is actually really horrific. It is quite hard to deal with, as we are still living together as a normal couple. but I'm realising how bad things have been. So part of me desperately wants away from him as soon as possible. but the real life part of me has got to deal with him not acknowledging the divorce, and trying to fool me into thinking things are normal.

Have either of you made progress with the divorce yet?

On a related note, i'm hoping the tories won't cut benefits too much, as I will be relying on them soon.

Hello Darcey!

I hope you are ok, it sounds like a tough position - exactly the same response I am expecting from my husband too.

I have got the divorce papers ready to send, and need to let SHL know when to hit send now. He recommended that I let H know I am doing this, so it would come as less of a shock when he gets the papers.

I tried this yesterday via text (yes, the cowards way out, but its the only was we communicate now, we don't speak on the phone at all). He basically bulldozed me into giving this another chance, said we have been making good progress on reconciling because we have identified our problems (he says these are 'communicating more' and 'showing each other more love'). Yet he refuses to sell the matrimonial home point blank, and refuses to attend an abusers course because 'its all a load of bollocks'. I feel like I am trying to tell him and he is just not listening. Which has been the same problem we have had throughout our marriage really.

Despite this, I feel exactly the same as you Darcey He has upped his 'good behaviour' this week (i.e. he is not being nasty and losing his temper, but gas lighting and twisting all I say but in a reasonable tone of voice, like he is explaining things to a child) and it is really tempting to forget about the divorce myself, and get on with a 'normal' life. Yes, I am soon much thinking this. I could still go back to him. Live in our old lovely, lovely house, see my old friends again and have the DDs back at their old school which they adored.

But as it is I am back to almost liking him again, and wanting to rely on him to take care of us. And of course worrying when I can send him the papers and proceed.

On the plus side it's quite liberating to speak to my SHL by myself, and then today sort out things with my new accountant alone, and realise I can do all of this. It's not rocket science. But I never even met my old accountant, as H would deal with him alone and not involve me at all.

Every time I get anxious I pick up one piece of paperwork and deal with it. It seems to help feeling like I am finally getting back in control a little bit.

But on the other side, I am doing the freedom programme at the moment and realising what I thought was a 'mildly' abusive relationship, but not that bad really, is actually really horrific.

I'm also doing FP, I am going again tomorrow and frankly I can't wait. I need to get angry again.

When I went for the first time 2 weeks ago, I was surprised at the other women attending the course. I honestly thought they would be quiet, timid women and I would stand out for not being that badly abused, and also for being confident/bolshy, like it couldn't really be that I was being bullied. But the women were all quite amazing. One in particular sat next to me and was gorgeous, and very funny, witty, and just lovely. I could imagine being friends with her.

It's sad the destructive power one man can hold over very capable and confident women. Another women said she should not have come, because her husband never hit her. I felt like I shouldn't have come because my H 'only' hit me twice. Its very powerful to go to FP and realise that no abuse is an acceptable amount.

Ah good to hear from you namechanger it's good to hear from someone in a similar position - who understands all the complexities that we're feeling. I'll write back properly tomorrow eve, as needing to work at the moment. Bt it was good to read your post, I'm feeling not so alone now!

Hi darceyand name, by way of update I gave him the envelope last week. So he knows. I was so frustrated with myself when I posted on here before so it was a real achievement. We haven't progressed, as he's refusing to accept it but I'm past the point of being fed up. I've had some great help and support from various sources (WA, helpline, private counsellor) but I feel at the moment like I've got absolutely no support. Feeling a bit sorry for myself. I spoke to the police but until he commits a crime there's nothing they can do. WA are great, I think, for identifying abuse and for domestic violence situations and finding refuge places but I had 10 weeks of useless counselling last summer which got me nowhere then nothing, I guess they thought their work was done. I'm now thinking the freedom program and a group situation would help, coming on here has helped me more and given me more insight than my counselling (for which I'm now paying £70 per session). I keep saying that I want someone to tell me what to do and they keep saying that no one can tell me what to do, that I have to decide for myself, but I think that there should be a better answer to that. I'm going to call solicitor today and ask him how to move this on. I'm so fed up but at least I've made a start.

I'm am very happily divorced and the only input i can add is if possible try to keep everything amicable as possible and talk the whole process instead of a shock letter.For the sake of the children iv been divorced 8 yrs and luckily we are still on good terms.

Hi thatsnotmyname that's great you gave him the letter! My H isn't accepting it either. I thought once I gave him the letter i could sit back and the ball would be rolling, but I didn't think he would just point blank deny that the letter ever existed.

I just phoned the solicitor to ask how do I proceed, as it has been about 6 weeks now. i feel good I've done that at least, as I have been putting it off for a long time (partly because I hadn't paid them, because i will need to use H's money to pay them which he won't allow).

I know what you mean about woman's aid. They are undoubtedly totally great. But there is this grey area, where you actively want to leave, but there isn't really support in helping you through step by step. They may help if you want to race off into a shelter. but if you want to keep your house and get your abuser to leave, there is not much support on that front. I was flagged as medium to high risk by the police and women's aid got in touch straight away. But after that there wasn't really anything they could do - but i was desperate to leave.

Definitely try to go on the Freedom programme. Do you know where it runs and when in your area? I did it because I wanted something to keep me going, when I knew it would be easy to give in and stop trying to leave. It is a 12 week programme. I am in week 5 now, and I am determined not to be living with him by the 12th week!!! I thnk it is the best kind of therapy, as it lets you put into words the trauma you have been going through. Things you might have forgotten about, or minimised, or been afraid to tell people you can now name those feelings, and get it out your system. It also shows me week by week how bad my situation is. I am the only one in my group still living with my abuser.

I too have spent a fortune on counselling in the past. i think it is a load of rubbish really. they might be better helping you process your feelings after the event. But what you need now is someone helping you take action.

Good luck with it all! and keep posting for morale support!

Hi Darcey, did your H read the letter or acknowledge it in any way? How can they think that they could just ignore it and it will go away-- strange. I think if they don't send in the acknowledgement page proving they've got it, the papers have to be served so there's a record of receipt.

I personally presented H with the un-crumpled papers (then left the house quickly) yesterday, he tore them up and threw it all over the room. Solicitor's ordering a new set. I did ask H if he'd read it, he proudly told me he hadn't, I tried to be a bit casual as I'm very aware that violence often occurs when they think you're serious about leaving.

I had a great conversation with a policewoman today. I'd had them around Wednesday night because H was threatening to come back (and he did later). So this was a follow up phone call from the community service branch/DV branch. She was very helpful, when I went through it all she immediately asked why I didn't already have an occupation order, and when I told her that my solicitor had said that there should be recent threats of violence to substantiate that, she told me that the new definition of DV which came into force this year includes coercive control, which is exactly what H is doing, so it is a clear case. She suggested that I get safety protection in place before 'serving' the papers.

So it's worth thinking about Darcey especially if you've been assesed as being at risk. However I think that there should be some idea of where H could go, to make it realistic proposition, as the judge won't make anyone intentionally homeless if I understand correctly.

Hi may I jump in ?

Me and my husband have been together since school , first loves , first kiss . We are both in love BUT he is a farmer and our whole life revolves round the farm. His mother is extremely controlling and threatens husband if he leaves farm he will get nothing even though he has worked his ass off for years and contributed everything to te business. The farm is now a thriving business and is run by his parents as the managers and him and his brother are profit shareholders . We have 4 kids and I live in his farmhouse that hi parents own . I am so sick of playing second fiddle to the farm . I'm on my own with our 4 kids whilst he works every hour gods sends . He is lovely but is ruled by his mother and never ever supports me. I lost my dad last month and he never took anytime off work and I feel so alone . Iv wanted to leave this marriage do years but as I live in his parents house and have no money what so ever I feel trapped ? His parents are so greedy and I'm sure will have farm protected so I can't get anything when divorced ? I am so Un happy an need to leave this marriage for the sake of my sanity . He is emotionally abusive telling me I'm nothing without him, nobody would put up with me blah blah blah I cook clean and look after his 4 kids whilst he stays out all hours on farm. My kids have fantastic life on the farm with there ponies etc and I feel guilty of wanting to take them away from there animals? How do I get out and if I divorce woul I have to leave this house as it belong to farm and not us ???

Hi horse girl, so sorry you're having a bad time, sorry that you lost your dad so recently and he hasn't supported you through it. With regards to your rights, it would be worth having a consultation with a solicitor to see where you stand, they usually do a free half hour. Even if you choose to stay for now you should work out what your position is in relation to the family farm assets. However, if you think he's lovely, some of the time, is it perhaps worth considering counselling, he may have simply slipped into a pattern of taking you for granted. If you get counselling for yourself you can perhaps work out why you are accepting this bad treatment? If you think he's abusive, check out the Relationships thread 'support for those in emotionally abusive relationships' and read through the links at the top-- that was a lightbulb moment for me! Do you think he'd be surprised at you wanting a divorce?

Hello horsegirl I hope you are ok, and sorry you are going through this too.

I also think a quick visit to a solicitor might be a good idea, to get an idea of assets? In divorce cases the first priority goes to making sure the children have a home to live in, so you would get something in the settlement assuming you will be leaving with the children.

My abusive DH will be getting his papers served to him by my solicitor by email this evening. Although I have warned him plenty of times that I am ending our marriage, and he will he hearing from solicitor I still don't think he has accepted it. Luckily my children have swimming lessons tonight, and I'll see my sister and some friends there. In the evening my friend is going to call for a catch up. So I'll have some distraction from his reaction.

Then it's time to get strong and get things moving.

Darcey if you have given him the letter and he hasn't responded in 21 days, you can go ahead with the divorce anyway? Or have I got that wrong? I hate the way it's all so long and drawn out.

thats safety protection sounds like a good idea, I don't think abusive husbands get any better once they realise you are starting to free yourself from them. Your policewoman sounds great. I've never been referred to a DV specialist, it sounds like a great initiative to support us in such a bewildering time. When will you serve papers again?

Hi name I'm so frustrated with everything at the moment, no response from solicitor, luckily I'm not too busy at work, I went and sat in the car and spoke to Women's Aid for an hour, just to have someone to talk to... H is saying that he doesn't want divorce and that everything will be fine (if I just do as he says) I feel really stuck! I need to get the papers 'served' properly so there's a record of receipt. I didn't think that the official part could be done via email? Although if he acknowledges receipt that should be sufficient to start the ball rolling. In my H's case, he doesn't want to see his money and respectability walk out the door hence the 'hearts and flowers' reaction. I must admit I'm a bit pleased with myself, after years of being too scared to actually do it, that I am, but WA say it's the most dangerous time. If I could move out I would, we have 2 properties but both in joint names.

You can issue the decree nisi after 21 days if he's acknowledged then not done anything (assumed he is in agreement) however you cannot do the decree absolute until the financial agreement is in place, that is the time consuming bit. I shouldn't know these things but am glad I do!

thats my SHL served the papers the D8 form - via email today. Is that the form you mean?

hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/HMCTS/GetForm.do?court_forms_id=1115

I know what you mean about being pleased to have the courage to do it, it feels like such a huge mountain to climb, and yet here we are. I am gutted H won't do more to save the marriage, but, like yours, his money and respectability are key, and I imagine he will ramp up his tactics once they are are both under threat.

I'm looking to the decree nisi as the next hurdle/milestone. The finances will take an age I imagine. However although the shl has been slow to move, he has sent the letter of intent with the D8 form attached, and also sent a link to the FormE and asked that they are returned in 21 days or we will start litigation. So no hanging about hopefully. Although I can't imagine a straightforward settlement, H is not really the kind and generous type. Can your shl issue D8 and FormE at the same time and maybe stop things getting so dragged out?

Hi thats it looks like my h is doing the same and not acknowledging receipt. I am thinking of posting the papers to him via signed delivery, so I know he has received them. I know this will drag on for ages otherwise.

Name ask your solicitor, I think the best way is to have papers 'served' which includes I believe an official handing over and telling off so they have no way of pretending they don't know what's going on,. According to my sol it causes maximum embarrassment if papers are served at their place of work... I think even if he signed for a delivery it doesn't mean he opened/read the letter. I'm not sure, though!

I'm annoyed with my solicitor , I wish someone would tell me what to do! My H has gone into 'hearts and flowers' mode and its so transparent, he's saying he loves me and wants to stay married but I feel nothing for this man. He's next to me so I'd better go. But I need to play this carefully, enjoying having a tiny bit of clout for a change but I just want him to go, now he says he doesn't want to go to other house because I said I didn't like it, so I get him full time. Worst possible outcome!

thats I share your frustrations - my SHL is very slow to act, and even then has been making simple errors on documents.

He served via an email message, which included the divorce petition. Having looked online I wonder if he also have email/served:

• a notice of proceedings form
• an acknowledgment of service form

I've asked SHL, but no response yet. If this was an oversight by the SHL then I'm going to consider switching solicitors, as I am not very impressed so far, esp when I am paying him £300/h only to have to rectify his mistakes. Fingers crossed this improves and H acknowledges receipt.

thats could you not move to the other house and suck it up for a little while? It can't be any worse than living with your H?

Argh. SHL replied to my email. Apparently this is still the Letter before Action stage. He has 21 days to respond and then he gets the divorce papers. SHL will nudge him again in a few days. This is going to take forever, isn't it.

Golly name we're both going through it, aren't we!

Previously I carefully un-crumpled the sol's letter (that h threw on the floor) which referred to an acknowledgement of service form and other divorce docs in a sealed envelope ...I saw no evidence of a crumpled envelope and worked out that everything was just staped together, minor point but I thought solicitors were supposed to be meticulous and I got no answer on that one. However-- if you have a basically decent relationship I wouldn't advise changing at this point, unless of course you really want to. I nearly changed about 6 months ago to a more proactive one, but going back over the old story will cost you. But, do what you think is best! Have you been in touch with women's aid? They are a good resource for planning how to deal with abusive man tactics, they all seem to be boringly predictable.

Re H, I'd rather he were out of the house! But as he's being fake-nice at the moment I'm ok. But need to generate that momentum again.

Oh, just saw your post. Sorry, I had no idea there was a pre papers stage. In my case a draft petition was drawn up 6 months ago but I was afraid to send a 'notice of intent' to H. But after a nasty situation just before Xmas, I told solicitor to send papers to court and they were returned approved about 2 months ago, so we are in a position to serve.

I hope yours won't take forever but you've made a good start by getting away. Believe it or not you're actually better off if he agrees. I think you want to get your Hs financial disclosures ASAP as he sounds the sort that may try to hide assets.

The whole process is really confusing. I would like this progressed asap, I wonder if I can send papers to court any earlier?

I wasn't able to sleep last night thinking that maybe H has not got the papers yet as he didn't react to them at all. But the rational side of me knows that he always plays this game - doesn't react or ask questions, and withholds info to gain control over me. So I have to not let this get to me or tempt me into asking him if he has got the papers, which will only serve to engage him further. Will have to wait it out at least a week or so I think.

In the meantime he has asked to have the DC over half term. He hasn't seen them in 3 weeks, and only spoken to them once a week. So I thought he would want them for the whole half term.

But no, he will pick up on Saturday and drop them back on Tuesday. So he has pretty much 2/3 days with them, and only has to take the Tuesday off work.

So much for his promises of taking more time off work this year and spending time with us/kids.

Poor DD1 was expecting to be staying with him the whole week and was visibly disappointed when I told her it was just 3 days.

So sad for your DD. I hope you can find something really fun to do for the rest of the week. While it's good that you had family to go to (and it sounds an excellent setup) it does seem a bit unfair that he gets carte blanche to live in your family home on his own?

I don't think that your solicitor is under any obligation to give him so much time to respond to a letter of intent! It only, as far as I know, informs them that you are starting the divorce process, usually I think they get sent a draft copy and they can see the reasons stated, make minor changes if they think there is anything incorrect.

Have you seen a draft petition yet? It could have been forwarded to him by your solicitor. I think the letter of intent is meant to smooth the process but one thing I remember is that it took a couple of months, more or less, for my petition to come back from the court, so maybe yours has been filed already and your solicitor is going to serve as soon as it comes back from the court. If they haven't been filed, then do ask-- because that 21 day period in which they can respond only starts after the court-approved petition has been served and acknowledged by him. As you know, if he doesn't respond within those 21 days it goes ahead anyway (to decree nisi stage). Apologies if I'm repeating what you already know!

Frustration abounds here. H doesn't want a divorce but he wants me to behave, basically. He told me this morning that the soluton to our problems would be to plan more holidays and keep a diary (apologies for TMI) and mark down 3 days per week in which we were going to have sex, because he feels rejected otherwise. Poor diddums. He hasn't taken on board anything I've said. We were supposed to be at a counselling session right now but I had to cancel because he had something more important to do...and this was after him saying he would do ANYTHING to keep our marriage together and I made this a condition (it is an abuse-aware counsellor)... I am beyond livid!

I have seen the draft petition, so I am hoping it has already been filed. SHL was confident we can get this resolved by the end of the year, and has lots of experience so I guess I will have to trust him on this, as my knowledge of the process seems to be terrible despite reading up on it.

Your H sounds so much like mine. All me, me, me, and keeping him happy and not feeling neglected. What about your needs? I am livid for you!

Sounds like your SHL is on track-- so the petition can be filed as soon as it comes back from the courts and it won't be a big surprise to your H. End of year sounds good, you need to have some sort of timetable so you can get some focus to your (and your kids') lives. I really wish it could be instant but I think it's usually the financials, etc that take time. It will come!

Yes, end of the year doesn't sound oo bad to me - in fact it sounds much better than I had hoped for, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it works out like that.

Despite the horrendous time I had leaving him in Jan, time is now flying by, and our lives are filled with lovely people.

I am hoping H responds in the given time period, he is a master at messing with my head.

I hope your situation improves soon thats

Ah crap. H not acknowledged receiving the papers, and so I prompted SHL this morning, and provided a new email address - his work one this time.

SHL's email was very blunt - You have not responded, your wife informs me that your personal email might not be working, please acknowledge receipt.

This is all a bit scary and fighting-talk to me, I was hoping to say reasonably civil. Why can't SHL be nicey-nicey?

H is picking up DC tomorrow for the weekend, I really hope he had seen the papers before and was not seeing them today for the first time.

We will be issuing papers after 21 days apparently, so I guess he will send them to court opening H's approval of the draft petition.