Parents Separated and i am now an angry adult!

[mamawitch]

Hi, i really need to sound off. My parents have been married for 32 years, my mum left my dad 8 months ago stating she couldn't be with him any more. My dad basically still adores her and would do anything for her, but i now know my mum is seeing another man. She went to his this weekend, and was there at new year but said it was a friends i have since discovered the friends name she gave is his daughter and i have found various photos of his son online that she has taken. She basically asked for my blessing to see this man which i told her just see how things go and not make it serious at this point and to not put it in peoples faces (she has been speaking/meeting this guy before she left my dad) I thought i would be ok with it but i really am not. My poor dad phoned me late last night and was saying he thought my mum would come back to him, when i knew she was with this guy all valentines weekend. It's breaking me. I feel angry and hurt, and in a way jealous that she is impressing his children but barely bothers with me and my family and treats my husband badly which has almost wrecked my own marriage at times. I just feel so confused and worried that my dad will find out me and my brother know and didn't tell him but i can't break his heart.

What would you do?

I would tell my dad she's met someone and he needs to move on. No point keeping it secret. They may well get back together at some point in the future, but they may not, spend more time with your dad if it makes you feel better but they are all adults and although you are still their child I think you should accept that you never know everything from other people's relationships, not even your own parents, you need to leave them to it and concentrate on your own life. Sorry not to offer something more constructive.

Hi mama

First things first, don't judge your mum for leaving. You don't have to take sides. My daughter said the thing that helped her most when going through divorce was a lightbulb moment of not having to take either side. You can be there for both of them, it's not a betrayal to either.

However tell your mum the situation she has put you in. Tell her you can't keep her secrets. Tell her you feel rejected and that she needs to understand that whilst her relationship is over yours with her husband, isn't as he is your dad. She can't expect you to move into her new world just like that.

She is probably having an emotional rollercoaster making her behave recklessly and out of character. Try and understand that whilst she might be seeming to be heartless it's probably her own mechanism of dealing with what is difficult.

Thank you for your replies and good advice and for not thinking of me as some brat! I can't help feeling so churned up about it, my mum can be extremely selfish at times although she thinks she puts her children first, i don't really expect her to now we are adults but i do feel she needs to stop trying to keep things friendly with my dad remove her stuff from the house and tell him the truth. I have always supported her decision to leave because i don't believe she has to stay in a marriage that she isn't happy in but to be honest my dad has been good to her, always given her what he can and let her be herself so i feel some of her reasons are a little shallow like saying my dad can't do long walks with her any more because of his knee and its not fair! he is 58 and has had a manual job all his life!

I just feel like she has a new toy now, she has clearly got to know his children and doesn't even respect us enough to tell us about them instead i find this all out through internet searches and snippets of conversation and name dropping. I can't keep her secret for her and i am going to tell her once she decides to visit me (could be weeks!) For now i just have to try and stop my angry thoughts and feeling of being stuck in the middle and worrying about the future of all of this. I need to just concentrate on my family i guess.

why are you searching about on the internet for your mum / new man? that sounds a bit stalkerish. if you stopped searching you wouldn't know.

Maybe your mum hasn't said anything just now to you because she doesn't feel the time is right. she does have a right to a private life.

To be honest it was more that I went on her flikr account and saw photos of his son ( not that I knew who he was then) and then I just narrowed it down to a twitter follower and when I googled him all the info I needed was there I wouldn't say I stalked him, it took about 5 mins to figure it all out so I am sure my dad could do the same my point is how easy I found this out, I don't want to be the holder of this secret I don't want to be in this awful situation in fear of breaking my dads heart. Of course my mum has a right to a personal life but I don't have to be put in this situation, I just need her to be honest even if I have to help my dad get over it

I went through this about 12 years ago. Mum had a boyfriend etc. at the time I found it awfully upsetting and thought she was really selfish. She kept saying she'd been the wife and the mother now she was living her life.. They seperated, they sold the family house, dad hated it. I got used to it. I moved back to their area a few years later when I sold my house and ended up living with my dad for a couple of months while I found another house. Do you know what? My beloved Dad that I adored was really hard to live with, and I saw things from her angle! My mum split with her boyfriend and has been single since. Her and my dad have ended up wonderful friends, still helping one another out and going for lunches. Sometimes I think "shame they split up", then they spend more than an afternoon together and start nipping at each other again, and I think "oh yes, I remember why!"

Try and take a step back from it, be there for them both in the back ground. It will calm down and you will adjust. In the meantime I know where you are.x

Great post 'honeyroar'

My folks split the moment I left home 20 years ago. It was a shock, and I never saw it coming despite meeting my dad come out spare room several mornings a week!

You feel you are betraying the other parent when you spend time with other one. Exhausting trying to divide your time equally.