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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex inlaws and clothing

9 replies

Mosschops30 · 08/07/2013 19:25

My inlaws have the dcs overnight once a week and then every other weekend as ex h is living with them.

They have started buying clothes that ds2 (3) can only wear at their house, on occasion he has come home in 'their jacket' and Dh takes it off him at the door and takes it back.
Last week he came home with some of 'their socks' and was quite obsessed with making sure he didn't wear them and took them back

Today my CM said she is concerned that he's becoming quite anxious about his clothing and told her his grandmother had told him he couldn't wear a certain tshirt to her house (the CM)

Am I right to be livid?????? Or is this normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 08/07/2013 21:21

Bump?

OP posts:

AllSWornOut · 08/07/2013 21:47

No advice but for normal people, no this isn't normal. I have seen some threads on here from others with similar problems, hopefully one of them will turn up soon with some words of wisdom.

My rational response would be to ask if you have a good enough relationship to talk to them about it, but I'm guessing the fact it's a) ex-ILs and b) happening at all means that the answer is no

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 08/07/2013 21:56

Mosschops I had a similar scenario with my ex a while ago and I had to speak to him about it as it was ridiculous - taking shoes off her as she stepped into my house etc. I ended up having a massive go at him for stripping DD on a bus on the way home to change her back into clothes I bought. DD at the time was starting to be conscious of having privacy etc. and I was fuming. Told him that in no uncertain terms was he to continue with that crap as it was petty, and ultimately not what was in DD's best interests. It causes issues where none need to be. I'd have to say something to them if I was you. As I don't know what sort of relationship you have with them, I'm not sure what to suggest but maybe start with explaining that their insistence on your DS only wearing certain clothes is causing him anxiety and it needs to stop. Ask them why they need to do this, and what they are hoping to achieve cos so far it just looks like a petty attempt to impart issues they have with you, onto a child, and that is unacceptable.

Good luck with it. Hope it gets sorted.

canyou · 11/07/2013 12:47

I know so many people who have sets of clothing for DC for when they are with them, by DB is one of them, after countless rows and screaming matches and abusive text msg about the DC getting dirty and staining clothes he now changes them into 'play clothes' and they put on their 'nice clothes' to go home in. The court judge in their custody case even recommended it to stop the arguments. so sad that people even argue about DC playing and getting grubby.

canyou · 11/07/2013 12:50

sorry posted too soon.
this does it seemto be an issue in your case so perhaps speak to him about it. Your DC should not begetting stressed over a pair of socks.

Collaborate · 11/07/2013 17:03

I once had a case where this happened and the offending parent was given a good telling off by the CAFCASS officer, who called the behaviour "abusive". It's all on a sliding scale of course, but this can be damaging for a child, as you're beginning to find out.

I think education is the key here, and communication, but the main thing that is probably absent is trust. Can you access family therapy where you live?

TurnipIsTaken · 19/07/2013 02:36

This thread will give you an idea of what is 'normal', ie anything and everything.

Does cm have any contact with your ex? Her word might convince them that this is a problem more than your word (as this type of clothes craziness suggests they do have some kind of issue with you).

What we seem to be falling into is ds comes home in ex's clothes and I dress him in those next time he goes to him. However, I like choosing clothes for ds so can easily keep track of what I have and haven't bought. One of the posters on above thread marks clothes with red or black marker pen so they know who bought what.

chocoreturns · 22/07/2013 18:43

mmm yes the red/black marker is me. It's a minefield but I was really straight with my ex when he was stripping the boys at the door and re-dressing them in 'my' clothes to come home. I said it was unfair, weird and making our elder DS stressed and uncomfortable. Then I suggested he mark all the clothes he wanted returned with red marker, so that when I wash them I'll simply remember which to sort out to send back (and if there's things I particularly want to come home with them, I'll mark with black). It's not ideal but at least this way he agrees that they can stay in the clothes they arrive in and doesn't feel I'm 'taking the piss' with things he has bought them. Which is a delightful attitude re: clothing your children, but that's another thread all together! I would advise being really direct but offer a solution at the same time so that you aren't seen as being somehow grabby/selfish about 'keeping' all the clothes (I know, crazy, I know but there you go...)

sillybilly10 · 12/08/2013 23:02

My dad did this to me when I was little. You must stop it now as totally screwed me up with regards to my sense of identity. Our clothes are part of our external self and when this is conflicted it is very confusing for young minds. I have had over 25 years of counselling to work through all the crap my parents put me through during and after their bitter divorce. I don't know how it can be stopped but would suggest mediation or a word from the pastoral team at school or social services.

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