Should I move my mum with Alzheimer’s closer?

[3LeggedCat]

My mum is 82 and has has had Alzheimer's for at least 2 years. (She can be very confused - she thinks her parents are still alive and she loses her keys about once per week.) She lives 200 miles away (4.5 hour drive), so I've found a 2 bedroom house a mile away from my house. I was about to pay the deposit (I've got legal and health POAs) when for 3 days in a row she said she didn't want to move - she likes her current house, the walks near by and would not know anyone. I was about to tell the solicitor we were pulling out, but yesterday she said she did want to move as there was nothing for her where she was and she'd be closer to me.

I'm terrified that I'll pay the deposit and maybe the full amount and then she refuses to move (she's very strong willed) or she moves closer to me and is unhappy and even more disorientated.

Her friends talked to her for me and she told them she would like to stay where she is as she knows people there and I'd be at work all day. One suggested that I put a camera up to reassure myself and get extra carer visits.

Any advice much appreciated.

I can see why she is unsure. People with dementia tend to be more comfortable in a familiar environment. But equally you both want to be closer geographically. As a compromise could you rent her somewhere near you but not sell her house. If her disease progresses she might not be able to stay on her own so a purchase may be costly for short term benefits

Leave here where she is. She will likely deteriorate more quickly if you move her as she will no longer have that familiarity.

Can you get cleaner/gardener? Who could be about a couple of times a week. Esp if she doesn't want a 'carer ' in the traditional sense.

Next step , when it's time should be a care home, not moving 200 miles.

Definitely don't buy. Not at that stage of dementia. Independent living is unlikely to be a long-term proposition.

Managing at a distance is hard, but every move is likely to make her condition worse. Better to have just 1 move a care home near you if possible, rather than 2 moves and an intermediate house.

Thank you, I'll ask her if she likes that idea. I really want her to be enthusiastic about any change I make!

Does she have friends there?

I agree with a pp, that at this point only a move to a care home is sensible - a move to a new house and then a home will be too much.

You know that feeling on holiday where you don't know where anything is, or how to get places, that is likely the state she will be in permanently if she moves.

Get more carers and a cameras. I'm sorry if I sound uncaring, it is not meant to be like that

She has friends where she lives now. You and BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn have helped me get make the decision. I'm going to phone mum now and tell her that she should stay where she is for now. Thank you for your advice.

Moving her will make her worse. Expect her to go further downhill, if you move her.

Her next move is likely to be into a care home, not a new house.

We have been mulling over a move for my mum for different reasons (size / cost of running and repairs to her large house) and have decided against. We changed her gas and electricity suppliers and that caused 6 months of fairly extreme anxiety so I dread to think what moving house would do. Also I have two friends who have gone to great lengths to downsize elderly mothers with dementia into flats nearer them. envisaging lots of time together, less difficulty with the house etc, but within a year of moving one died and one had to go into a home anyway. So I agree with your decision to leave her where she iss, good luck.

This. She is only managing as she is because everything is so familiar to her. If you move her house her whole world will be upside down and tasks that you think she is managing will be alien to her. Even so much as making a cup of tea - done it for years in the same place, everything located as it always has been. It’s easy for people with dementia to mask a lot as making that cup of tea doesn’t have to be an active thought for her right now. If you move her house she will need to go through the process in her mind and she will be utterly confused by it (obviously tea is just a small example but this applies to most of the things she does daily with ‘independence’)

I wouldn’t move her to a house at this point, residential home may be needed if keys are already an issue

I feel for you. Keep her and if she needs a care home or nursing home then choose a local to you one. The in-between stage though is going to be very difficult for you.