Reassurance needed about moving mum with dementia into a care home

[usedtobeboss3]

I'm after some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Mum has Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia, diagnosed earlier this year. She also has limited mobility - can't really walk safely unaided. She doesn't really understand time or place very well - she doesn't know whether it's morning or afternoon, or what that means, and has been asking on and off for months about when she's going home / who will take her / who will pack her stuff - all of this when she is at home, where she has lived for more than 5 years. For context, my dad died 13 years ago.

She's had live in carers for some months - some amazing, some dreadful - but it's becoming clear that her needs are becoming too much for one person, however good they are. She wakes a lot at night, and has fallen at night 4 times in the last month, meaning that someone has had to go and pick her up (I live fairly close by. My sibling lives abroad, but is supportive.) After the most recent fall I made the decision that she should move into a home; we found a nice one locally and she has seen it and is set to move in in a couple of weeks. She's reasonably positive about the move and can see some of the advantages (more consistent care, social aspect etc), but we've been deliberately vague about timescales and said that she's going there 'for a while'.

I know deep down that it is the right thing (especially doing it now while we have a choice and not waiting for the next crisis) but I can't help the feeling that I'm 'calling time' on her life as it is. She has enjoyed here garden this summer particularly - it's one of the only things she talks about, and yesterday I was very conscious that I'm moving her away from it. But as my husband pointed out, in a few weeks when the weather changes, she wouldn't really be going out there much anyway.

I'd be really glad to hear of stories where a similar move has gone well. I'm not going to change my mind, and I do know that I'm doing the right / only sensible thing, but it's feels like a huge thing and I'm in need of reassurance.

When my mother had vascular dementia my dad, my sister and I did all we could to keep her at home. On night she fell behind the bedroom door when my father was in another room and we eventually got back into the room by my sister climbing up a ladder in the small hours of the night. We can laugh about it now.

I am glad, in a way, that such a dramatic thing happened as we knew then we couldn't manage her ourselves. My dad was exhausted - not getting enough sleep, and hiding this from us.

We found a nice home, she was much more settled there. My dad visited whenever he wanted as did many family members. You are not letting your mother down. Please rest-assured that trained professionals can do and will do an excellent job looking after her. Be kind to you. x

Our experience was different because the last person of her generation in our family was a widowed aunt, who, while very frail had no cognitive issues.
We 3 nieces organised finding her a care home and the sale of her house, with her agreement.
But, as a sociable person who moved just before Covid struck, she had a good time being looked after to a high standard, with events organised within the home. She would have been miserable at home during lockdown periods and vulnerable with different carers going in 4x daily. When things became more relaxed, visitors were invited in, there were regular concerts, animals taken into the home to be handled, a guide dog in training went regularly, the mobile hairdresser, various exercise classes and there were raised beds in the garden that residents who wished to do so could tend to, alongside the gardener.
I'm sure your mum will be fine, I expect that she is a bit anxious about the unknown atm.

It is a huge thing but what choice have you got ?
She will not get better only worse and when that time comes she will be safe.
Her life doesn't sound wonderful now and her needs are big , probably nothing will ease your guilt as we are made that way but in the whole scheme of things you and your families needs are very important also and i actually think they are of equal priority.
My mother has alzheimers too but thankfully is stable and functioning well with some help, i am experiencing 1st hand how her needs are impacting mine and my family's lives and how she is a constant thought in my mind which doesn't allow me to relax completely .
On top of a responsible job ,my own life and family i am frequently knackered and the last thing i want to do is go to hers to sort out yet another problem or job.
I hope we don't have to find a home for my mother but as a family we are aware that this is a very real reality.
The ultimate reason as adult children that this decision is made is to keep the person safe when sadly their own home can no longer do so.
I think that letting her think it's for a little rest , holiday etc is the best way to handle it and the likelihood will be that she will settle into her new 'home'.
I hope it all goes well for you.

My mum and dad are in a care home with vascular dementia. It was 100% the right thing to do and they have a lovely time. They have company, the home is safe, they have great health care and lots of entertainment. I had so much guilt at first but seeing them happy and knowing they are safe is such peace of mind. Mum doesn't always know who I am but I know she is fed (she wouldn't eat at home) and with Dad.

Moving into a care home not only saved my mother’s life but greatly improved it. She was half a step away from a major crisis. She was very far gone with Altzheimers and thought she was in her own home.

One thing I found hard was leaving her after visits. She always loved tea and cake. When it was time for me to go I would ask her if she wanted a cup of tea. She always said yes and I would ask her what cake she wanted. That way I got away without saying goodbye.

My mum spent a lot of time in hospital as a child and I think she often thought that was where she was. She used to ask if her mum and her twin sister were coming. I told her they were on their way and bringing Chocolate cake.

Each person’s dementia manifests in different ways and I am sure you will find the right way to reassure her. Please rest assured that you are doing the right thing.

Two things:

My mum forgot her flat withing days. The only home she remembered was her childhood home.

Our time together was much more rewarding for both of us: instead of trying to keep on top of her house-keeping / medication /' accidents'/ laundry / shopping and cooking., we could just spend time sitting and chatting or walking in the garden or looking at old photos or ballet on tv.

We put the move off for too long. My SIL did so well facilitating her mum being in her familiar surroundings, retiring early to support that by spending half the week living with her. But in the early hours of one morning, when SIL wasn't there, MIL left the house and was found by the police (thank goodness) wandering a long way from home and confused.

She went straight into a home, where she was treated beautifully and kindly. We should have done it earlier.

Thank you all so much - just what I needed to hear! Some really good points, and useful ways of looking at things.
Interestingly, everyone I've spoken to in real life has said the same, so I just need to believe it and get on with it. I think it's partly because it feels like it's my decision and responsibility - my brother is supportive, but is several thousand miles away, so it's much less 'his' problem.

My own mother too had a beautiful garden.. after being in a home for a few weeks the handyman/gardener asked her if she could water the pots.. this started a lovely relationship with him. She was often found in the 'secure' garden pottering around..
When she was first admitted I had a meeting with her and the staff and we listed her interest..
There was one lady there who liked helping prepare veg and one lady liked folding washing.

My mother was struggling at home with mixed dementia and it was clear it was unsafe to leave her at home, albeit with me and carers going regularly. Then she had a stroke which overnight left her unable to weight bear and doubly incontinent. We had no choice, a home was the only solution. We told her she was just going into a home until she could walk and stand on her own and make a cuppa. We knew that was never going to happen but she didn’t so she accepted the home on a ( as she thought temporary basis). We looked at about 10. Some were shockingly bad, others were all “ fur coat and no knickers “ cinema and wine with dinner but the actual care was not great.
Anyway we found one that suited her. The home allowed us to make her room as personal as possible. Her chair from home, bookcase with familiar books( she was no longer able to read). Her lamps from home, her bedspread and pictures everywhere, on the walls and every surface.
They also had me fill in a booklet about her life. What job she did, what she did in the war, her favourite singers and films. Her childhood etc. they used this to start conversations.
She lived there for 2 years and was bedridden for the last 4 months. It was definitely the right place for her and her care was exemplary.

My mother went into a care home two years ago after being at home with dementia for about nine years, being cared for by my father (who was also unwell, and has since died, and carers, and my brother and me). At home, she was barely eating, refused to be washed and had frequent UTIs. I felt terrible about putting her in a home at the time, but she is now well cared for, she hasn’t had a UTI since she went there, and her appetite has improved considerably. The staff are kind and well qualified. I felt (and still, occasionally feel) guilty about putting her in a care home, but she is much healthier and safer there. I think what we all really want is for the dementia not to be happening (I certainly want that), but it’s important for our own health to remember that it’s a horrible disease and we’re all trying to do the best for our loved one and ourselves in awful circumstances, and nothing is going to be perfect. You are doing your best and you should never feel that you’re doing the wrong thing by wanting your mother to be cared for properly.

My mum (also mixed dementia) has been in a care home for 10 months. It was heartbreaking for my dad to face the fact he could no longer care for her alone - night waking, wandering, continence problems, needing 100% supervision. It took two attempts at respite to find the right care home but she is doing so much better there. She's put on weight, eating more varied food, she's got clean hair and a normal selection of clothes on. She has company, activities and really kind carers who deal with her personal needs without fuss but also really see her as a personality. We know she is safe there as long as needed. Dad visits nearly every day but now he gets to sleep at night as well.

Hidden camera in her room, label everything, visit as often as you can , keep an eye for any changes in behaviour ect , don't take any valuable items or money in , ask regularly for updates from staff , keep and eye on her hygiene ect

If you have carers coming in, ask them for recommendations of local homes as they will probably know some of the staff.

My work involves visiting a dementia facility. There are several residents who, when being cared for at home, were constantly distressed and refusing to eat or allow any personal care. Since being admitted they have hugely improved. They are smiling, eating and interacting, some even speaking again after periods of being non-verbal. You are doing a very kind thing.

Again - many thanks all.
Her room will be on the ground floor, and it opens onto a garden courtyard, so she will be able to see and access a garden, at least. They also have a gardening club, and they said she could put one or two pots of her own out there.
And yes, we can put small items of her furniture in the room, as well as pictures, ornaments etc, so I think we can make it feel quite homely.
We (DH, DS and I) visited 3 homes in total, two of which we really didn't like at all, and this one which we did like. It's very light, open and spacious, the rooms are a good size, and everyone we met (staff and residents) was cheerful and welcoming. The reviews are good too.
Thanks for all the support and positive suggestions. I'm going this morning to complete all the paperwork.

My DW was moved from hospital to a Nursing Home close to us. It would have not been possible for her to return home because of mobility issues. She has dementia which has been steadily getting more pronounced since her diagnosis a few months ago.
She has been on hourly checks since admission and the staff on the whole have been good. She has also some life threatening conditions.
Having been in touch with some care homes in the area before she was admitted I know so far that she is in the best place possible in the area.
If you have any concerns as I have and they have been addressed put your concerns in writing.
Good luck OP.

MIL went into care with the same diagnoses. She’s now safe and the family have their lives back and can sleep at night. That’s as good as it gets at this stage.