Dad has dementia but more worried about my Mum

[user1465146157]

Hi

Just before Christmas my Dad was sadly diagnosed with Dementia - which will lead to Alzeimhers.

This is not that big a surprise to us all - he has shown signs for a while but it has taken a long time for any kind of medical confirmation so we are glad to have a name on it at least.

He doesn't really speak anymore. He hasn't showered properly for a while. He is quite gruff so on the rare occasions he does speak he is quite stern. I understand he is ill and not himself whereas my Mum seems to take it personally.

While he is the one who is ill - I am really concerned about my Mum. They are both retired so she is his carer.

She rings me every day at her wits end - I live in a different city around 2 hours away by train. She's lost so much weight, is very upset all the time, she has panic attacks (she has had these in the past as well) and keeps asking me to come back. I have a job and a young family and I just don't know how to help more.

I worry more for her than my Dad - while he is ill she is the one running around after him - i fear for her health mentally and physically but really don't know what to do.

Any advice on what we can do from here?

Does he have a care package? Does your mum get any respite from him? Are you in touch with Alzheimer’s society? Does your mum get any help at home? All doable - talk to their local Alzheimer’s society and/or Age UK. Are they getting attendance allowance for him? If not age UK or CAB for information.

There is a lot of advice here on previous posts. Your parents both need a gp home visit, referring to social services and age uk are also helpful with this.you can also call the dementia and Alzheimer's support lines. Your mum sounds like she needs support, she needs to call adult social services or you can do it for her. She may need to pay to get private carers but can apply for attendance allowance for your dad and carers allowance for herself. If she is really struggling at the moment her GP may be able to arrange respite care for your dad to give mum a bit of a break.

Neither of my parents reacted well when my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I ended up contacting social services. Our local services have a web site where you can log your concerns. It's 6 years ago now so can't really remember what I wrote but it was along the lines that they were both vulnerable people in their 70s and not coping with recent change in circumstances. I said something about concerns for their mental health particularly my mother who seemed overwhelmed. This resulted in a visit from social services and their GP being involved. I hope you can find similar support in your area.