Divorce and separation following domestic abuse – should I involve the police after two years, and could it affect my divorce?

[Malelookingforadvice]

Hi Everyone. I am really looking for female and male perspectives on the below and in reality what I should do next, Perdue something or just get on with my now much improved life.

I separated from my wife close to three years ago after a long marriage involving physical violence, emotional abuse, intimidation and coercive and controlling behaviour. I was repeatedly hit and slapped, sometimes in front of our children, and subjected to threats, verbal abuse and prolonged confrontations.

To everyone else, she appeared kind, gentle and caring. During marriage counselling, the counsellor advised me in one of my individual sessions to record our interactions because her public persona was so different from what I was experiencing at home, and I feared nobody would believe me. I have recordings of threats, admissions of physical aggression and abusive confrontations.

When I left, both our children chose to come and live with me. They have lived with me full-time ever since. They are adults now and will soon be moving on with their own lives. Unfortunately, their mother continues to make damaging allegations about me to them, and I try not to retaliate or involve them in what happened. They were old enough to see for themselves so I tend to just rise above it

Despite being the one who experienced the abuse, I was effectively excluded from our family home. Three years later, I am still paying for it alongside my own accommodation.

During our absence, the property has been neglected to the point that I believe its value has been materially reduced.

I am perusing divorcing her, this process and the financial settlement are still ongoing, and I feel she is deliberately slowing the process down, leaving me financially tied to a house I cannot live in.

The harassment has continued since separation. I have received over 10,000 text messages, including 28 days with more than 100 messages, 11 days exceeding 200, and a peak of approximately 690 messages in a single day.

I eventually blocked her on everything, including WhatsApp, telephone calls and social media. However, she can still leave voicemails, for me which I think is very strange and I now have hundreds of them.

She has also attempted contact through professional channels like linkedin or creating new email accounts and using them to message me

I cannot change my number because it is my long-established business number used by clients.

I have retained the messages, recordings and voicemails as evidence.

I keep seeing historical domestic abuse cases in the news and wondering why I have simply accepted what happened without reporting it.

Some of the cases seem less severe than what I experienced I can’t go into exact details as that would identify me if her or her family came across this, yet I have never involved the police.

Part of me feels that by remaining silent, I have allowed her to escape accountability. But more concerning she will do this to someone else.

My main concern now is whether involving the police or applying for a non-molestation order could complicate an already difficult divorce and financial settlement.

Would the police take a report seriously after two years, particularly from a male victim, or would they dismiss it as part of an acrimonious divorce?

Could reporting the historical abuse and ongoing harassment delay the financial proceedings, create additional legal costs or somehow be used against me?

Would a non-molestation order be a more sensible route to stop the unwanted voicemails and indirect contact? And would that have any bearing on the divorce or financial settlement?

I don’t want revenge, but I do want accountability and an end to the harassment. Equally, I don’t want to give her another opportunity to prolong proceedings when I am already financially supporting a property I have been excluded from for three years.

Has anyone been through a divorce involving domestic abuse and subsequently involved the police? Did it help, and what impact, if any, did it have on the divorce and financial settlement?

I’m genuinely torn between pursuing accountability for what happened and simply trying to get the divorce concluded so I can finally move on.

thanks for any advice and guidance

I don’t have any advice, OP, but bumping this and hoping someone else will have some good advice. So sorry you and your children experienced this.

Ps. There is a documentary called My Wife, My Abuser in which the husband covertly recorded his wife’s abuse in the home, which led to a custodial sentence. My penny’s worth is that this is likely to strengthen your case in a divorce.

Im sorry you went through such terrible abuse @Malelookingforadvice . I think you need to take legal advice to know how to move forward. Id be damed if I let her paint an untrue picture to the children. I think you need to dicuss how to approach it with a phycologist.

Yes I was sent this by the marriage counsellor who advised me for my own safety to stay away from her. The documentary hit very close to home without the knife pieces.

Oh bless your heart. I'm sorry you've had such an awful time. Well done for keeping your kids safe. I honestly don't know enough about DA and the police (lots of knowledgeable people here for good advice, though). What I would say is that what's currently going on sounds like stalking and I would definitely be reporting it. If someone has a history of violence, I would be even more inclined to do so. Do you have support in real life?

Yes I am very happy now with lots of support I have an amazing new girlfriend who has shown me what true happiness can look like, and all of our couple friends from my previous marriage are still close to me. They saw first hand what happened and even some her family members are still very close to me and fully support me, so no concerns there. I just don’t want someone else to get caught up in the same situation. The children witnessed a lot of the abuse sadly including trying to intervene so they know the truth.

Bloody hell. That was harrowing to read. I think the police would take you seriously, as you have plenty of evidence. You must be badly mentally scarred by this. Please look after yourself.