Ex wife sends my son in clothes too small

[Yak9271]

Can anyone help. Despite me recently handing in £175 worth of new clothes for my son to my ex wife, she continually sends him to me and to school in clothes that are far too small. He's nearly eight and today he's wearing trousers size 5-6 years. This is breaking my heart. What can I do?

Are you always sending clothes which come to you back?

If so, that’s not on. The only answer really is for you to have clothes at your house which fit.

How does this come about? My DS gets attached to clothes and resists throwing them out and will wear them even when they are clearly too small! I do buy him plenty of clothes (and he actually prefers them baggy, so it boggles my mind!) but have to sneak things into the charity bag when he’s not around or he would genuinely put on stuff he could barely squeeze into. He just doesn’t like change and doesn’t pay any attention to what he wears, he grabs whatever he sees first.

Once my exH was picking them up when I wasn’t in, just my DP - DS ran in and got changed and ran out again and when I saw a photo I was mortified as he was in a top I didn’t even know he still had with sleeves half way up his arms - all their best stuff was packed to take with them (new clothes which did fit!)

I would not put my DD in her best clothes to spend time with her father anymore. First he lives in the countryside in the middle of nowhere so all she does are country walks and secondly, his DW has washed DD’s clothes in normal washing powder (no one asked her to wash anything) when DD gets eczema from that powder. Also clothes come back not in great condition - crumpled if you like or rather really strangely folded into tiny squares so I will not be sending good clothes there. DD has plenty of clothing btw. Could it be something similar?
Or do you occasionally keep the clothes at your place and they don’t make their way back to your DS’s main home?

In regard to the school clothing, is that uniform or normal clothes? I would not be buying new uniform at this time of the year. Is this an all year round issue?

Well what did she say when you spoke to her about it? assuming you have ?

Maybe not the ultimate solution but you can buy bundles of kids clothes off Ebay and vinted. It would be cheaper than replacing with new weekly. Poor kid, that's way too small. My youngest cam go down two years in age and the others one but unless your child is extremely tiny it must all feel very uncomfortable.

Can you just keep your clothes at your house and send DC back in what came in? School uniform is peanuts second hand. Look into the schools second hand uniform shop. Most schools have them.

One year I had two kids move school in year and one loose his uniform. It was a hard time so I was given a three free uniforms hardly used.

Take the trousers that are too small to the charity shop and replace them with a pair that fit.

Keep a supply of correct sized clothes at your home.

What would happen if you messaged your ex and said your DS is wearing clothes that are several sizes too small so you'll be round to pick up some of the correct sized clothes you recently purchased?

So you are buying the right size and she is sending him still in things that don't fit? I'd go for buying him things that fit (are a bit big even) to wear while he is with you and then put him back in the small clothes to go back to her, she's taking the p....

We had this, exh was a shit for it.

Tried sending stacks of the clothes. Mum gave him clothes. Still had ds in scruffy clothes. Talking to him, having a go at him never worked.

Now I buy clothes for my house, everytime I pick him back up and hevis in small or scruffy clothes, I get rid of them and send him back in decent ones. Eventually, all the clothes were decent.

But it's a continual process.

My db had this, in the end he had to send them back in the clothes they came in, then she started sending them in PJs, but he stuck to his guns and eventually she gave up on her bid for new clothes every other weekend.

Just buy some New uniform 🤷🏼‍♀️
Because you said you bought clothes... not uniform.

Maybe she's struggling financially? Have you asked her?

Our uniform supplier is notoriously under stocked at all times! And I have to order about 6 months in advance

Surely 5/6 trousers wouldn’t fit an 8 year old at all?..I have clothes at my house and my kids have clothes at their dads house. We share buying of school uniforms & shoes/coats but otherwise clothing is separate I probably forget the odd item here if they come in a hoody bit pass it back once it’s asked for as I don’t always monitor what exactly I bought:he bought it’s not a big deal though.
I just buy t shirts, joggies and shorts for them, nothing fancy as they are happy in comfortable clothes. I’d never send in ill fitting or clothes with holes in etc.

I sent new uniforms too. She isn't struggling financially. I pay her maintenance every month and give her extra money whenever she asks. This is just a game to her. She likes to play the victim and my son is her favourite weapon of choice.

Just keep clothes that fit him at your house?

DH's ex did this, she would send them in clothes that were too small. She would send them in clothes inappropriate for the weather, shorts and T shirt when it was snowing for example.

DH always paid for his boys, his ex was much better off financially than we were.

DH tried talking to her, she didn't care. We got them new clothes, they took them home, we never saw them again.

In the end we kept a wardrobe of clothes for them and DH would take clothes with him when he went to collect them so he could change them straight away.

It's shit but I guess that's all you can do.

She blocks me on her phone and slams the door in my face when I pick my son up. She only communicates when she chooses.

Yes I'm buying the right size. She sends him to me in clothes that are two years old.

Some people use their children as weapons with no consideration for them at all.

There was no way DH's ex could be reasoned with (she ended the marriage and was remarried, dh always paid for children and is a great dad, he had done nothing wrong) in the end he gave up trying.

Now DH's sons are adults they are well aware of what their mum did. Small comfort I know but just keep being the best dad you can be and try to rise above it, as difficult as that is.

DP's ex wife does this every. single. week.

We no longer provide clothes for her to keep at her own house and just have them at ours.

Two boys, 7.5 and 5. Came over wearing size 4 underwear and size 2! It varies but they're usually dressed in clothes two to three sizes too small and shoes three sizes too big!

Just change him when he gets to your house and keep the clothes there. Unfortunately you can't make her dress him appropriately and it (hopefully) is just on exchange days she's being like this.

FWIW we've sent the boys back every single time in exactly what they've worn and she still does it so we've given up.

I wouldn’t find this acceptable. As for a child being attached to the clothes, it doesn’t really matter if the clothes don’t fit. I wouldn’t let my child walk around in torn and stained clothes because they liked them, so also wouldn’t allow them to wear clothes that don’t fit.

I don’t know what you can do though if his mum won’t communicate. I like a pps suggestion of swapping the trousers for a fitting pair and throwing away the too small ones. Eventually he will only have clothes that fit. You shouldn’t have to but I wouldn’t like the thought of my child at school in two years old trousers that don’t fit him.

@Yak9271

I sent new uniforms too. She isn't struggling financially. I pay her maintenance every month and give her extra money whenever she asks. This is just a game to her. She likes to play the victim and my son is her favourite weapon of choice.

Then can you go to court to get primary custody?

Or do you already have it?

Don't get me wrong, because I am in the same position. But is it just the clothes? How else does she use him as a weapon, because of she is failing to care for him properly, you need to something. Sensing more and more money isn't helping.

Are you sure that the clothes are definitely too small for your child or that the labels say they are for a younger age than your child is?

I only ask because my DD is small for her age (14) and always has been, clothes last her for ages and so consequently the labels are for an age much younger than she actually is.

I used to send dd in her not the best clothing as I'd rarely get it back, if I did it'd stink of smoke or by the time I got it back it'd be too small anyway!
So yes I did save the best for at home, simply because I couldn't afford to just lose the clothes I sent her in.
Exh payed the sum of £5 per week in maintenance, he could damn well buy her clothes if he wanted to.
Always sent her in enough suitable clothes mind and possibly on the smaller side but nothing uncomfortable or that she wouldn't like to wear.

My Daughter is 14 yet she still fits into a age 10 T- shirt that she loves and her bottom is tiny so knickers are aged 10 also. The clothes aren't too small - she is 😂

Stop handing nice new clothes over to your ex.

As PPs have suggested get cheaper clothes from Primark, supermarkets, ebay, charity shops etc for him. Then when you pick him up change him immediately.

As the clothes you are buying are now cheap just send him back in cheap clothes that fit him - preferably Primark so his mother recognises they are cheap.

Unfortunately loads of separated parents use their child's clothes to continue a dispute with the other parent. Some one on another thread pointed out it is because the person doesn't want to let go off the relationship so causing conflict means they can still have a connection. The only way for you to act is put in firm boundaries and react with indifference/ignore their poor behaviour to minimise the impact on your child.

I would not put my DD in her best clothes to spend time with her father anymore. First he lives in the countryside in the middle of nowhere so all she does are country walks.

That's different from clothes that are far to small and don't fit properly though.

Are you sure that the clothes are definitely too small for your child or that the labels say they are for a younger age than your child is?

Really? sometimes you can just use your eyes to see that they don't fit.