ok i have the World's Least Glamorous Piano and only a sketchy idea about the bass clef

[HowTheFillyjonkStoleChristmas]

but still would like to learn

my piano smells of orange juice and mouse bait.

The only books I have are ones with twee children in them, glad to be singing morally uplifting songs.

I have NO MONEY for lessons (it has all gone on wool)

I do play the violin, kind of. I mean, I can read the treble clef and bizarely have an elderly grade 5 theory.

please sort me out with books

oh and I need it tuned. Do I just look in the yellow pages under p?

um...sorry, I have somehow posted this convo twice, pls ignore this on