Friendships which, for one reason or another you realise won’t ever be the same two years on

[Abelard40]

Just that really.

I am not starting a thread about justifying why you felt you were right over a friend.. I’m just giving a space to grieving for those relationships which, now that it’s been two years, you know won’t ever be the same.

I have one I’ve tried endlessly to repair. We were such good friends before the pandemic - but she took a very particular position which allowed no wriggle room and I think I failed in her eyes. It’s so bloody sad, but I think I’m ready to just draw a line now. Anyone else?

I think, for me personally, the past two years have just highlighted to me who my real friends are.

Before the pandemic I would have had a lot of friendships where I was the sounding board, always there to listen to the latest rant, give advice, cheerlead etc. This was fine, until the pandemic hit and I was going through some hard times, and I realised just how one sided these friendships were. So I stepped away, for my own sanity, and I began to put my energy into the friendships which felt more even. I have been much happier since.

It's been a tough few years for everyone, but has definitely opened my eyes to a lot of behaviour I was putting up with that I really shouldn't have been. Life is far too short for crap friends!

Yes, one of my oldest friends had taken an extremely uncompromising stance which I find quite repugnant. It was a horrible realisation. I can't see them the same way anymore.

My friendship circle has certainly shrank. A few friends I had have just retreated into their own family bubble now and not come out again.
Another was very vicious to me about not having the vaccine, and made no effort to understand my reasons.

@SallyGoLucky that’s so interesting.. I know exactly what you mean.. I’ve been that friend in the past and I struggle to shift that dynamic in my head and try to ‘care less’ - but it’s not about caring less, it’s about putting yourself front of the queue. I definitely struggle with doing that but I need to!

There is one particular group I have deliberately stepped away from. They are the type to plaster rainbows everywhere and proclaim 'be kind' but don't live those values in real life.
The rest of my friends have all carried on being my friends and I'm very happy with all of them. I value their company and they value me. The other group I now only see in small doses and have muted their group so I don't have to listen to it all. I also post very little on social media and regularly delete any old posts. The only thing I keep on there is memories.

I agree @coronafiona most of my friendships have remained the same, we have the same values etc.

I guess this one has made me start a thread on MN (something I really don’t do often, a handful of times) because I’m feeling that rubbish about this one single friendship that I think is really over, and it was a really good friendship. We live v close, kids at same school - but more than that we are really similar people - we are both listeners - proper listeners, and take a genuine interest and care about each other’s lives. I find it so hard that an environmental factor has basically destroyed our friendship, but I know I’m not alone.

Gah! Bit late and struggling to articulate but I’m sure you all get the gist!

Yep. Friend got pregnant 4 weeks after meeting a random guy on Tinder - she went on the date as the whole country knew they were about to be locked down. Has a history of awful relationships, drama galore.

Whilst pregnant she was out and about meeting people when we were supposed to be locked down and basically just didn't stick to the rules.

She moved miles away during this time too so I've not seen her since. I can't imagine why anyone would 'plan' to have a baby with someone they don't know from Adam in the middle of a bloody pandemic - oh and then when the baby arrived moaned that they couldn't go to any baby groups.

I'm just done!

I won't go on about all the problems....

Just one person who is within walking distance and still so scared she will only meet outside. I have said no so far because she will be keeping distance and masked., just seems pointless to meet in a park etc with someone who will be that tense.

If she ever gets to a point she is ready to meet indoors, I don't think I can be arsed any more, but I'm planning to move so it will be quite a long Tube trek. I guess if she offers to come to me...but what's the point.

Someone on another thread talked about life moving on in different ways and at different speeds. That sums it up, without going into detail.

@EmmaH2022 totally get that.. my situation is similar (although trying to avoid this becoming a thread about standpoints) .. it’s tough. We all say we empathise with another view but the nature of what’s happened has exhausted us all.. and made us less open to consider other views when we would have done in the past maybe? Because we’re all so knackered?

@CoastalWave that sounds VERY tough!

EmmaH2022

Crikey

Yes, like a PP, I have just lost the urge to see certain people that I made the effort with before but interestingly it has put others into perspective in a positive way, both with friends and family.

One SIL I can see more clearly for the bossy judgemental cow she is. So she's about history but my other DB and his wife, I've spent more time with than we have in years! It's been great!

The FIL has cemented and confirmed his position as a twat (DH agrees), mainly because of his holier than thou attitude to our choice re covid jabs (not having them). Whatever, if he wants to put his stupid 'moral' nonsense above seeing his son and grandkids, that's up to him! His loss!

Yes - covid related falling out with an old friend has cemented niggling feelings about the dynamic of the friendship. Made me realise I always come away feeling anxious when I've seen or had contact with her. We are due to meet up in a group next weekend but I suspect I won't go. It's a shame as I'll probably see less of the other two in our group, but I will make an effort to maintain those relationships separately.

A SAHM friend of mine lied about something in order to get vaccinated late January last year then boasted about it. Meanwhile school staff were out in covid soup and not on a priority vaccination list. Not me - I was doing online learning, so it wasn't even directly personal, but I felt VERY strongly that this made her a scumbag. She was done even before my 70+ year old parents. I'd not seen her since pre covid anyway, so it was probably on its way out as a friendship, but I don't think I will ever see her again. Shame - her husband was one of my last school friends, she was a work colleague and I introduced them/was best man at their wedding.

It's been hard to catch up with some people all along, but we've managed everyone else apart from them. Can't be important.

On another issue, I had a friend I fell out of touch with in 2007 get back in touch. I mean, there's no need for us to be friends again particularly, but it was interesting how friendships were considered over the last 2 years.

@RuleWithAWoodenFoot that’s a good point about some opportunities in all this - I’ve had a few old friends get in touch because pandemic stuff has made us all evaluate.. so that s a good point.

@scaredsadandstuck interesting about the word ‘cemented’ .. I guess I take from that it’s something you knew already and the pandemic has confirmed that? In my case I guess maybe I’m unwilling to admit that actually, to be fair, this maybe hasn’t been the healthiest of friendships and maybe the pandemic has just hurried that along. Food for thought for me - thank you x

I had a really good friend but since covid and few other things we started talking less and less til I did something (justifiable) that she didn’t like and she’s stopped talking to me

Thanks to counselling I’ve realised that the relationship was over before this and that I don’t need someone in my life that behaves like her anymore. Life is too short. Some people will come , make us happy but with time dissappear and maybe other people will appear that will fill that gap.

Hope you’re ok and you manage to find other people that make you as happy as this person did.

@EmmaH2022

I won't go on about all the problems....

Just one person who is within walking distance and still so scared she will only meet outside. I have said no so far because she will be keeping distance and masked., just seems pointless to meet in a park etc with someone who will be that tense.

If she ever gets to a point she is ready to meet indoors, I don't think I can be arsed any more, but I'm planning to move so it will be quite a long Tube trek. I guess if she offers to come to me...but what's the point.

Someone on another thread talked about life moving on in different ways and at different speeds. That sums it up, without going into detail.

Ditto.

Two of my friends have turned out to be anti vaxxers. It’s made me sad. Their body their choice I totally support but sharing nasty and rude things about sheeple and laughing at those who have chosen to be vaccinated has ruined my relationship with them. I’m really sad about it.

@EmmaH2022

I won't go on about all the problems....

Just one person who is within walking distance and still so scared she will only meet outside. I have said no so far because she will be keeping distance and masked., just seems pointless to meet in a park etc with someone who will be that tense.

If she ever gets to a point she is ready to meet indoors, I don't think I can be arsed any more, but I'm planning to move so it will be quite a long Tube trek. I guess if she offers to come to me...but what's the point.

Someone on another thread talked about life moving on in different ways and at different speeds. That sums it up, without going into detail.

You could be talking about my DD. I hope her friends are more sympathetic to her genuine struggles.

It sounds like your friend here is probably one who could be posting about your friendship that she's re-evaluated.

It's so interesting reading these stories....a time of crisis has put pressure on us as people and the ways we interact and the choices we make and our values, and what comes out the other side doesn't look and feel the same. I know for sure it put pressure on mine and DH's relationship.

For friends though....I think for me it's actually clarified who my good friends are. And in some cases I've been very touched to learn that I or we as a family have been the first people another family has reached out to for meeting up, after restrictions lifted etc. You know when you meet new people and friends and sometimes you're never sure where you 'fit' with them, as they appear to be busy social people, and then something shows quite clearly that they value you.

There are also some who either haven't bothered with me, or I haven't bothered with them, and so I guess that is also a good indicator that maybe that friendship had had its day.

So I'd say emerging from this, I'm a lot more confident about the people in my life, who brings value and lifts me up, and also appears to value me in the ways that I would wish. For me it has brought clarity.

Bonnes "It sounds like your friend here is probably one who could be posting about your friendship that she's re-evaluated."

Of course and she is entitled to do that.

Because these things are so complex, I shouldn't have replied so briefly yesterday. She has had her home redecorated and been on holiday, though she emphasises to me that her DH cleaned and sanitised everything in the cottage before she got out of the car.

The simple truth is, I am not on the priority list for indoor meeting, which is fine but it's natural for me to reassess on that information.

Also there are the friends who are gone because they got a lot of good out of this...but then again, I was upset at the start and now I'm not. I am glad if people's lives are going well. It was just weird, especially in first lockdown when there were no bubbles and I was alone and no one cared.

Funny how things turn out. I'm okay now. I just posted about her last night because she's the only one whose friendship I thought I might still have, at the start.

Time and tide wait for no one. Onwards!

But while I'm waiting for something, lol...

Also worth remembering, if someone is scared of Covid, it's a tough call to meet with them because what if they catch it and blame you?

I absolutely understand what you’re all saying but this makes me sad. I’m hoping my friends haven’t given up on me.
My husband is extremely anxious about Covid, to an irrational extent. It’s impacted what I do and the kind of socialising I do. It’s tough

Some of my friends have cut everyone off and sticking to their partners (they don't have children). They have done this to everyone not just me so I don't know if it's covid anxiety or their friendships don't mean anything.