Kids not living with me atm

[noface5]

I work on the frontline in the nhs with the sickest covid patients and because of this my children's grandparents (ex's parents) have had the kids since lockdown started. I still get to see them from a distance outside their grandparents house but I'm missing them terribly and they're missing me and even though I know it's to keep them and their grandparents safe, I don't know how much longer I can go on. At first I thought it would be a month or two but now I'm looking at them not being able to come home for months and months dependant on any advancements vaccine wise in the future.

I'm more likely to catch covid from going shopping than in work as we wear full ppe at all times and we've had no staff sickness with it luckily but understandably their grandparents are very nervous as they're in their early 70's. Someone in work suggested I go off sick but I don't really want to do that and I don't know if I could afford to hand my notice in or to ask for unpaid time off as I still have rent, bills and debts to pay off. Before anyone suggests it, my ex can't have the kids as he's also still in work and works very long hours.

Does anyone have any suggestions? 😞

Find another job and hand in your notice.

I can't see it being as simple as 'find another job' with the current situation

That’s a very tough one. How old are you children? What’s your relationship like with your ex? Are they with their grandparents to keep them safe or because their grandparents usually do the childcare?

They're 7 and 9 and yeah the grandkids look after them when I'm in work. Our relationship is decent, we get on alright mostly but he's a useless father

That is so hard for the children. I really think you need to speak to your employer about being deployed elsewhere so you can have your children home. How can you not care for them for months?

It's absolutely horrendous. I'll speak to them when I'm in next and see what they suggest, thank you

I would take them home. The risk to children is minute and you're taking all pre cautions. I couldn't not hug my own 8 year old for months. That must be horrendous for you and that. You sound like a great mum but I think now is the time to resume normality.

But the grandparents won't take them back when I go to work so I'm stuck with them staying there while I'm still going to work

It's a childcare problem as well though megladon as they usually go to their grandparents while she works

I’m in the same situation. I hear you! I really miss them and I want them back but feel selfish for wanting them here.
I wish they had never gone because it now seems harder to decide when is okay to come home.
I don’t know what to do so have no advice but completely feel for you.

Could you go part time, and send the kids to school to cover your shifts? Possibly alongside some help from your ex and/or a younger friend to mind them, or childminder? Sounds a really tough situation for you though :(

Thank you so much for your amazing sacrifice. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this has been for you.

Are you at a teaching hospital? Many medical students I have heard have set up networks to care for children of HCPS. Could they go back to school would you have any flexibility with your hours?

Given the ridiculous mental strain all this has undoubtedly put you under please consider applying your own oxygen mask first and speaking to your gp about taking some time off sick in order to prioritise a way forward for your own and children’s well being.

Thank you again xx

Yanka - makes me feel a little better knowing it's not just me. Are you a nurse too?

Greendayz - I could go part time but the hours I work isn't possible for the school opening hours, even if I did short days it's either 7am to 3pm or 12pm to 7pm so isn't an option plus I do 95% nights.

Goldengirl - it's a teaching hospital but not a major one so there's none of that where I work and the same applies as above really where it's not normal hours. Thank you for the kind words though they're much appreciated

I've just been googling parental leave so even though it may not be a permanent fixture, if they need to go back full time when I go back to work, at least it would mean I can have them home for a couple of weeks but need to work out the numbers to see if I can afford it.

Parental leave sounds a good idea in the short term (and any spare annual leave you have) But in the longer run I think you'll have to look for another form of childcare. Would a live in nanny work if you work nights and if you have space? You can get help with the costs of childcare though universal credit or childcare vouchers. Though do think about asking friends. People really do appreciate what NHS staff are dealing with right now, and want to help. A less vulnerable friend could have your kids instead of their grandparents.

can you take unpaid leave and survive on UC for the time being?
i cant even imagine how hard it is for you but thank you so much for all you do for us

I'm going to speak to work first but I think parental leave might be the way to go and I'll have to survive on just the necessities for now, money wise. I'm not a very social person so don't have any friends around here and my parents live away so aren't an option. I'll make it work somehow

I am assuming they are not going to school at the moment and if you are in England they don’t currently fall within the ages of the first year groups going back. But what will happen when they go back to school will the GPs still look after them?

I'm in Wales so they'll be going back after kids in England the way our first minister is going. I've also wondered this but I haven't broached the subject with the gp's yet since there's no set date and as you say they're not in the proposed to go back first as they're year 2 and year 4. So I really don't know atm

Can't they go to school now, as you're a keyworker?

Greendayz, whilst it's great of the government to keep school going for these kids, it's of no help when their nurse/key worker parents work 12 hour day or night shifts

Can you not speak to HR to get your hours changed to suit school hours temporarily, even if it means moving wards and losing some money in the short term?

Surely if they knew the situation, regarding your childcare arrangements and that your only caregivers are shielding, it is something they need to agree to. Your are being deprived of your DC just for doing your job!

Is it possible to change your shifts under the circumstances? I don't know if this is the case everywhere but i'm in Wales and our local school is open 8-6 for key workers. You can also use them on the weekend too.

A friend of mine is a consultant at UHW. Like you, she’s a single mum, and also like you she works hours that don’t work with school timings. She’s got a neighbour’s student-age daughter coming in to look after her kids. Is something like that a possibility for you?