Aaargh! I licked an envelope

[MorrisZapp]

Writing out a birthday card to send to a friend. Totally unthinking, I picked up the envelope and licked it to seal it. It's her birthday in four days.

The envelope is a very pretty colour which matches the card and will cheer her up as soon as she sees it, but is it carrying certain death?

When she dies I'm sure you can say it was the postman who must have coughed on the enveloppe. Problem solved.

May I suggest texting her and telling her to put it in the oven on a low heat for six hours when it arrives. Or hang it on the washing line for three days. Or just taking a flamethrower to it, can't be too careful after all.

I would change your name handle to @grimreaper if I were you

Can’t believe you’ve knowing killed your friend on her birthday.

Utterly cuntish behaviour, TBH.

My friend's milkmans cousin is a medical student so I know this stuff and wow you are so selfish I can't believe you have been so reckless.

Licking an envelope is yuk at the best of times, nevermind now lol

Her gravestone will read

Born May 8th
Died May 8th

Can you send her a bottle of bleach "for the post" as an accompanying gift, and suggest she try it out on her card from you?

Bonus marks if you decant the bleach into an empty bottle of expensive perfume, cross out the pour femme and scrawl pour post over it.

😂😂

Microwave. As long as there are no metal bits.
Spray it with bleach yourself.
Seal it in a plastic bag. Add a danger sign

"Reader, I licked it" 😷

Bake it in the oven for 20 minutes, then seal the slightly charred envelope in a biohazard bag and pop it in the post. Sorted.

😂😂😂

You need to add S.W.A.C.K (sealed with a covid kiss) instead of SWALK on the back

Born May 8th
Died May 8th

I might compile a list of who I want to murder on their birthday if this continues. It's a very Agatha Christie way of doing it.