Disagreement with DH about letter ‘advising’ you to shield

[Littlemiss74]

I have RA and got a letter from the rheumatology dept at the hospital ‘advising’ shielding if taking certain meds. It wasn’t the official NHS letter but they enclosed a copy of that too.

DH has been saying that schools may go back after May half term and he is currently on furlough until the end of April. Because I’ve had this letter I am very anxious about him going back to work and dc’s going back to school while I am still supposed to be staying at home. I would rather keep dc’s at home.

This has caused some tension as DH is saying that my letter wasn’t the official NHS letter, it was just a letter from the hospital advising to shield but not insisting. He also said that I’ve been out for walks (which my gp ok’d) and so I’m not properly shielding. He also said my letter didn’t state an end date for staying home and so we should seek clarification. Basically as soon as the schools can go back and he can go back to work he wants to.

I’m anxious anyway but also feel really upset that it’s almost like he thinks that I’m overreacting about following the advice on the letter and that mine wasn’t ‘the proper’ letter.

I have to say it doesn’t seem very clear. What are family members meant to do if work & school expect them to return? Is my letter an instruction or just advice? What’s the difference between the NHS letter and this hospital letter? Are they both equally valid? And why haven’t they put a date on saying how long to shield for?

I’m quite upset that DH can’t seem to wait to get back out there knowing that I am more at risk. Anxiety and tension with him plus more stress at work due to increased workload means I’m feeling crap tonight. I don’t know what to think any more.

He can go back to work even if you are shielding according to the advice, can’t he?

I think advice is that family members can continue to work even if you are shielding so long as you socially distance within the house. We haven’t done this as our shielding family member is a 7 year old so a bit impossible to socially distance.
Your DH is also right that going out for walks is not in keeping with shielding advice. The only time any of us have left the house is for essential hospital appointments. Stringent shielding is very very hard.
I’d speak to your rheumatology team and ask their advice. But it might not be possible for your DH to stay off work as long as shielding advice is in force.
Sorry you feel crap tonight - it is all quite rubbish.

I do have a shielded person here and we received a text, 2 official letters from NHS, one letter from the hospital and a letter from the GP all identifying our person as extremely vulnerable and needing to shield. Our person is NOT to leave the house for walks so maybe you are in the vulnerable category rather than the extremely vulnerable and needs to shield category?

The shielding letters were sent out centrally, your hospital department have sent out advisory. Not all rheumatology patients need to shield although I believe surgeries are currently performing searches, and applying codes to records, to identify further patients that will sent letters (centrally) in the next few weeks.

Could you phone either your rheumatology nurse or your GP surgery and have a telephone consultation to discuss so you could clarify the situation so either your mind is put at rest or your DH is put in the picture if you do need to shield? These are terrifying times, i would rather never leave the house to protect our shielding person. However, there is no currently no government guidance saying I’m not to go to work so we are following the shielding advice of separate bedrooms, bathroom cleaned after each use, not being in communal areas at the same time etc.

My mum is shielding and dad works in the nhs.

I don't thinks it wrong he is look forward to going back to work. Most people are. Especially, because it means a normal wage coming in.

You aren't actually shielding and your gp said you can go for walks.

Are you expecting him to not go back to work if his furlough ends, before sheilding ends.

How are you paying the bills?

Do you take the med mentioned?

@Imboredinthehouse i feel the guidance is contradictory as the letter ‘advises’ me to shield but the other websites they refer to put me in the vulnerable category. I did speak to GP and she agreed it was confusing but felt it would be ok to go for a short daily walk keeping away from people.

I think the letter has scared me and so I don’t want my family to go anywhere.

Does anyone happen to know how you would have been on the list for the NHS letter? I don’t really understand why I got one from the hospital if I didn’t meet the criteria for the initial NHS one.

@Shitsgettingcrazy I am still working from home and DH is furloughed on 90% pay so bills all ok thankfully.

I’m just anxious really. His job involves being out in public all over the south east and I am an anxious person.

I'm shielding and on my official letter it says that other members of the household don't need to shield, you just need to maintain distance at home. My dh is s key worker too so has been working throughout. It is scary though.

And yes I am on 2 of the drugs mentioned in my letter

I am still working from home and DH is furloughed on 90% pay so bills all ok thankfully.

Thats good. But if his furlough ends and he doesn't go back, will you be OK on your wage only?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras thank you. Can I ask how you are finding it keeping a distance at home? My DD is always wanting to be near me, DH not so much😄

Hospitals will be going through their own lists as the first set of letters were so random. If your hospital says you should be shielding then you should.

Theres no way the schools will go back in May. Where's your husband getting that from?

@Shitsgettingcrazy no we would need his wage too. Where I work our HR dept have said that if you are the partner of someone who is shielding they don’t expect you to be back at work although maybe that is only if they can work from home...

Your family isn’t shielding you are - so you should probably have a seperate bedroom/ bathroom if possible and practise social distancing when they return to work / school

@amber763 no idea probably from his random online news sources

@Littlemiss74

It's really hard!

I suppose I'm luckier because my children are older - one has moved out and daughter is at uni and has stayed there so just myself and dh at home - which is easier. We don't share a bedroom now, not eating of sitting in the same room, bathroom being cleaned after he uses it. When he comes in from work he gets undressed in the porch and then goes straight into the shower and his clothes straight into washing machine. It is really tough going.

Where I work our HR dept have said that if you are the partner of someone who is shielding they don’t expect you to be back at work although maybe that is only if they can work from home

Furlough won't last forever though. Of his employer opens back up, they may leave him on furlough initially. Thats what my work are doing.

But in a few weeks, everyone will need to be back. Those that feel they can't, will be going onto unpaid leave.

Very few companies will continue to pay people who aren't going to work, out of their own pocket.

@GrumpyHoonMain I have asked DH if I can use our ensuite just for me and he said yes but then I still catch him using it.

I think I am possibly worrying myself ahead of time. We don’t know yet when he will go back work and I can’t imagine it will be before 7th May review and no one knows about schools. Maybe I will wait until we know more for definite and then ask to have a call with my consultant and DH there too.

I'm on two rheumatology meds, probably similar to you Op, a biologic and methotrexate. My husband is still working 4 days a week and one day from home.

We're managing that he is the only one that goes to supermarkets after work, strict hand washing and I've been out very infrequently for a walk.

It's possible to manage this. I will be going back to work when I can.

The guidance does not state that family members need to stay at home, see here

Living with other people
The rest of your household do not need to start shielding themselves, but they should do what they can to support you in shielding and to carefully follow guidance on social distancing

At home you should:

Minimise the time other people living with you spend in shared spaces such as kitchens, bathrooms and sitting areas, and keep shared spaces well ventilated.
Keep 2 metres (3 steps) away from people you live with and encourage them to sleep in a different bed where possible. If you can, use a separate bathroom from the rest of the household. Use separate towels from the other people in your house, both for drying themselves after bathing or showering and for hand-hygiene purposes
If you share a toilet and bathroom with others, it’s important that they are cleaned every time after use (for example, wiping surfaces you have come into contact with). Consider drawing up a rota for bathing, with you using the facilities first
If you share a kitchen with others, avoid using it while they’re present. If you can, take your meals back to your room to eat. If you have one, use a dishwasher to clean and dry the family’s used crockery and cutlery. If this is not possible, wash them using your usual washing-up liquid and warm water and dry them thoroughly. If you are using your own utensils, remember to use a separate tea towel for drying these
Everyone in your household should regularly wash their hands, avoid touching their face, and clean frequently touched surfaces
If the rest of your household are able to follow this guidance, there is no need for them to take the full protective measures to keep you safe.

DH is shielding as has had a renal transplant and I’m working full time as an NHS nurse.

I haven’t been within 2m of him for weeks, he’s on a futon in the front room

@Thighmageddon thank you yes I am on the same as you. Can I ask, did you get the NHS letter or one from your hospital or both/neither? It seems to be a bit inconsistent across the country. Are you doing the distancing thing at home ie separate rooms, bathrooms, sitting rooms etc?

How on earth would the op shield in her own home with children? It is the husband who should shield from the rest of the family surely? Someone has to look after the children during the day and if they go back to school in May (they won't, by the way) then who is going to pick the children up from school and take them in the morning? Not the op.

If the op looks after the children during the day and then the op's husband comes home in the evening and then op has to isolate herself. How does that work? For want of a better word, there will be cross contamination.

OP, has he expressed any concern at all about your health?

@knittingaddict yes he is concerned to a degree but I think he thinks because I didn’t get the official first round of letter and the websites say I don’t need to shield, that I don’t need to shield. As I say I have anxiety anyway so I worry maybe too much but now I’m upset that he thinks I’m overreacting to it all.

Hi OP, it sounds like you take similar meds to me. I have had 2 letters telling me to shield for 12 weeks. One from specialist, one from nhs. I told dh that he could either shield too, or not come within 2 meters of me for 12 weeks. He remembered pretty quickly that lots of his favourite pastimes involve being a lot closer to me than that and agreed to shield too.

Maybe remind your dh that if he goes back to work he’ll need to stay 2 meters away from you?