Covid-19 and a very difficult ex husband

[Standinguptononsense]

Hi all,

I am hoping for some advice and appreciate these are difficult times and you may not know the answer but opinions would be welcome.

I have a CO with my ex husband. We split the nights 8/6 in my favour. Shared holiday. The order is clear on split of time week to week.

Yesterday my now husband developed a cough so as well guidelines we are as a family self isolating. Including my 2 children with my ex. This is obviously not ideal.

He is saying whilst they are not at school we should be splitting the time 50 50. I am working from home / home schooling at the moment. I have said these 14 days are no contact with anyone and he disagrees he says its guidelines not law. He has a nan with respiratory problems. His parents came back from spain sunday and his sister is 5 months pregnant. He would see them. He thinks all this doesnt apply to him. Hes invincible.

So what would you do in these circumstances he is saying I am purposely restricting their time with their father. As if I really have a choice.

If I let them go to him, am I part of the problem in terms of spreading the disease?

Thoughts? AIBU?

I've just seen him this.

It is clear from the daily updates from the UK government the number of cases and consequent death rate is set to escalate. They have already set clear actions that need to be adhered to across the country to ensure those who are more vulnerable are safe. Everyone needs to be doing this to keep everyone as safe as possible.

Going forward to ensure the health and safety of our children we need to be communicating the following:

1. Our working arrangements

1. If you, I or the boys develop symptoms

1. If anyone in our extended family, or someone you have been in contact with develops symptoms

1. Agreement to adhere to the guidelines set by the UK government

This is a difficult time for everyone, working together on this is our only option.

I'll see what he comes back with but you are right he need to self isolate for 14 days as off Tuesday if hes working tomorrow

You should add - 'If anyone you or I are in contact with anyone who has recently arrived home from abroad and is in circulation when they should be self-isolating'. Because by the time anyone develops symptoms it is too late.

Don't contact him any more.
Simply keep every response to your communication that he sends.

You have set out everything that needs to be said, and what you are saying is unimpeachable and clearly in the best interests of the children.

Are you able to take screenshots of evidence of his flouting of the guidelines, for instance on FB?

No, we are not friends on any social media and he wouldnt post much anyway. I did say about his parents in a previous email

His response- bearing in mind we are still self isolating and he isn't.

I am more than aware of the situation and the importance of our children's health. What I am presently unaware of is why our children have restricted access to their father. I believe from the example you have and continue to show them, they will naturally conclude their father is a danger to them or they are a risk to their father, which is simply unacceptable.
At what point will you provide access and how do you suggest we manage their childcare going forward?
Key points:

You reported our children went into isolation on the Tuesday 17th March

14 day isolation finishes on Tuesday 31st March

The school is closed as of Monday 23rd March

Our children could have easily been isolated between our 2 homes

You have stated you do not wish to plan out the child care while the children are away from school

God almighty he's a complete idiot.

Actually yes, their father is a risk to them. He'll happily put them in danger of contracting the virus by not following the government guidelines. What a wankbadger

He’s doing that engagement thing again.

Just ignore him from now on, you’ve explained the situation, he clearly has some level of IQ so he can put those 2 brain cells together and work it all out for himself.

Honestly, he knows exactly what you’re doing AND why, but he gets some kind of emotional hard on by doing this, because he knows you’re thinking about him.

Cut contact and if he tries to poison the kids’ minds by spewing bullshit about ‘mean mummy’, knock THAT on the head too.

You’ve been reasonable. You’ve been probably FAR TOO REASONABLE, but that stops now.

He’s a twat, and you are too busy to bother with twats at this time.

So do I let him have the kids after the self isolation period or just ignore???

I’d say no.

Because he’s not safe to have them.

He won’t put them first, he won’t keep them safe and that will put others at risk.

I’d suggest that the uk will go into lockdown in the next few days so travel between parents isn’t actually in the best interests of the children not when they can see/speak on phones etc.

It’s no different than if either you or he were on holiday abroad...

Can I just say thank you for your help and support with this. I know what I need to do ans I am trying to be reasonable.

I suspect in the next 7days he will end up with it anyway!

No more contact. There’s no need to contact him or to respond

... but would he tell you???

Probably not

Disengage from this man.

I have found in life that there are people who add to our lives and those who only take and sap and destroy

I only entertain those who add to my life. Ok so I’m now in my 50s and have had my fair share of shot ex experiences, but now I don’t interact at all anymore.

Zero tolerance with twats. It saves an awful lot of stress :)

I need to do that. Its hard when all you are trying to do is put the kids first

My oh has an awful ex, I don’t even know how to describe her, but we’ve had her telling us how to spend time with their dd at weekends and on holiday, even what to watch on telly because their dd likes strictly... she can also watch it on catch up when she’s back home, but I wasn’t about to stop everyone having fun and cooking dinner for a show only she watches... and actually she herself never even asked to watch!

I’ve taught my oh to use the very least amount of words to reply and if he doesn’t want to reply or engage, not to.

This has utterly removed all the supposed power she wielded. She used to use their dd as a bargaining chip, a way to extract more money (it’s a game she likes to play) or she’d even terrify their own dd so much there were self harm so the ex could get what she wanted.

Oh doesn’t engage at all with her anymore and it means actually that their dd is safer, she’s of no use at all to the ex because there is no response to anything so she doesn’t try anything any more.

I think your ex is trying to use the kids as a weapon against you somehow, it’s hard because of their ages, but make sure you can always see the wood from the trees. Make sure you have enough emotional distance to keep a cool perspective and not be dragged into anything

Smile and wave, smile and wave

You are putting the kids first, you’ve been clear and if he weren’t so selfish he’d back you all the way

So stop engaging

What’s he gonna do? Take you to court for not risking lives? Yeah, good luck with that Einstein!

Honestly don’t waste anymore bandwidth on this guy

Switch phones off and leave him to it.

Have the confidence to know that you’re being a great parent.

And that is literally all that’s important right now.

Thank you. That all makes sense. Like you said before he plants this doubt and makes it out like hes the victim!!!

Oh they allll do that.

The trick in dealing with people like this is to look within yourself and remind yourself that you are doing the right thing for your kids, always. Don’t pay ANY attention to his opinion in anything because he’s lying and only trying to undermine you.

Don’t allow anyone to undermine you (((hug)))

You got this. 100%

And I know that this is easier to read/write than to do. Be brave and you’ll get there

Thank you x

@Standinguptononsense your ex sounds exactly like mine.... Even in the way he writes... You have my sympathy.

Fwiw my dds are having no contact with their dad until this all settles down. He is an NHS worker so he at least understands the risks. Fortunately for us, whilst he likes to shout loud about access to his kids, it's all for show, so any legitimate reason to duck out of his responsibilities will be taken. He will of course tell everyone I'm just using this as an excuse to limit contact....

I have bigger things to worry about right now. As does everyone.

Good luck op.

Actually that's the point isnt it. My dss are my concern not him. Contact is about the boys not him....

You need to stop engaging with him. As they saying goes your can't argue with stupid'

Read his email back to yourself and then ask, what exactly is he asking me? Actually he's not, he's stated his opinion and ranted at you, but he's not exactly asked you anything.

If you feel you must respond then respond with something very unemotional. Something along the lines of 'thanks for your email' or 'just a quick email to let you know I've received your email dated XxxxX'

Don't bother responding with emotion, this just fuels his fire. Read up in the grey rock technique

I do try. I just dont understand his mentality!!! I think hes got actual issues!!!

how do u isolate between 2 homes does he not understand you dont swap houses