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Original poster

Covid-19 and a very difficult ex husband

222 replies

Standinguptononsense · 18/03/2020 15:31

Hi all,

I am hoping for some advice and appreciate these are difficult times and you may not know the answer but opinions would be welcome.

I have a CO with my ex husband. We split the nights 8/6 in my favour. Shared holiday. The order is clear on split of time week to week.

Yesterday my now husband developed a cough so as well guidelines we are as a family self isolating. Including my 2 children with my ex. This is obviously not ideal.

He is saying whilst they are not at school we should be splitting the time 50 50. I am working from home / home schooling at the moment. I have said these 14 days are no contact with anyone and he disagrees he says its guidelines not law. He has a nan with respiratory problems. His parents came back from spain sunday and his sister is 5 months pregnant. He would see them. He thinks all this doesnt apply to him. Hes invincible.

So what would you do in these circumstances he is saying I am purposely restricting their time with their father. As if I really have a choice.

If I let them go to him, am I part of the problem in terms of spreading the disease?

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 07:04

I have also said he can be involved with home learning for the boys. They are in year 2 and 4, said he could set them a task and then facetime and interact. Asked him to send me details to eldest can challenge him at fifa etc.....hes not replied.

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 19/03/2020 07:19

But you still haven't said that you'll make up his time by letting him have the DC for 12 days after your 14 days self-isolation is over. That would be the fair thing to do and might placate him. It is probably that he thinks he isn't going to receive his share of time with the DC that is bothering him.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 19/03/2020 07:23

for my bday last year inwas allowed 4 hours contact as it fell on his weekend.
That sounds like he was very fair as he allowed them to spend time with you on his weekend. I don't know why you would consider that in a bad light. Hopefully, if it was his birthday and it was the DC's time to be with you, you would let them spend 4 hours with him too.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 08:16

He had the whole day. On my day. Because that's what the boys wanted to do.

I havent yet, but have said we can look at options and what does he suggest.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 19/03/2020 08:24

Let him try to take you to court at present.
This is obviously a "frivolous" disagreement (from his point of view) and will be unlikely to get court time. And you are being perfectly reasonable.

slipperywhensparticus · 19/03/2020 08:29

I wouldn't be offering him 12 days after because he has tantrummed what do the kids want to do? It must be shit for them when they work out daddy is only interested in being spiteful to mummy and not in them

Daisydoesnt · 19/03/2020 08:34

Children are the biggest carriers
OP it's only a tiny point but Chris Whitty at the govt press briefing on Tuesday said that evidence so far indicated that children do not shed the virus as much as adults (ie do not spread it as much). Although children are often considered to be "super spreaders" when it comes to other viruses.

Your ex is still being a complete dick. Stick to your guns.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 08:50

Hes sent an email today saying he wants to collect them at 3pm tosay but realises with whata going on that means he canr but he will get them at 9am monday....which is day 6 of 14 for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 08:55

Hes suggesting we rotate a week each. Hes manipulating it to 50 50.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 08:56

My view is that once we have been through our period of 14 days (depending if he is then in isolation etc) the normal routine resumes. We have a week each at easter as per the order.

OP posts:
cheesycrisps · 19/03/2020 08:58

He's being an arse.

But by Monday we well all be on lock down which might be mandatory and there will be no travel so he wont' be allowed to travel to collect them.

MzHz · 19/03/2020 09:02

Just ignore and don’t open the door if he comes

Call the police if you have to.

Windyatthebeach · 19/03/2020 09:06

Daub a red cross on your door and switch your phones off.
He is a prize prat..

mumwon · 19/03/2020 09:11

the court is cutting back on trials etc -if he did try to go that way he would have along wait

slipperywhensparticus · 19/03/2020 10:35

Tell him no that doesn't work for us as I said we are in isolation as reccomended by the government I will await your next court letter

timeisnotaline · 19/03/2020 10:46

Just ignore everything and send a quick message each evening. ‘Shame you didn’t have time to FaceTime them today, they could really do with the contact. Let me know if a time works tomorrow. Also ias I’ve said it would really be great if you could do some schooling support with them.
To remind you, 14 days is up on the (date), you can collect them then.’

Bonus if you get 14 such emails with no FaceTime show a judge.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 11:36

Scrap that. Hes said he is collecting them today at 3PM but is happy for me to have them at 9am monday - I assume so he can go to work

OP posts:
MzHz · 19/03/2020 11:43

Repeat the message.

“Our household is in isolation, the children will not be able to leave this house until X date.

As stated many times, we can arrange to FaceTime or call whenever you/they are available, but they will not be leaving this house. If you come to the house, we will not be opening the door and if necessary we’ll call the police to request you leave.

I won’t be engaging further on this point, only now to arrange FaceTime/phone calls etc.”

You can’t be polite or pussy foot around with a narcissist, be blunt and strong and when the message is delivered don’t engage further

If he wants to take you to court, that’s only going to look bad for him.

And it’s going to take FOREVER, to get through the court system.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 11:50

I've said.

Your email is confusing. As you are aware we are currently in self-isolation for 14 days. This runs up until Tuesday 31st March. This means the boys will be with me up until this point. This was made very clear in my previous emails.

Once we are closer to reaching this point we can take a view, review the guidelines and then make a plan. Like you say these are unprecedented and difficult circumstances, and yes we can be flexible to a point, but the boys health is my primary concern.

We will not be rotating the boys weekly.

I am not prepared to set-out any plans until we know more, and as you said this changes daily. I appreciate you are missing the boys, but you need to think about wider issues this brings. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

What I do know is that we are in self-isolation and this means we have all here until Tuesday 31st March. This does mean that unfortunately the boys will not be spending their normal time with you, but you can speak/video at any point.

OP posts:
MzHz · 19/03/2020 12:08

Good enough

But you don’t need to try and get his approval of your situation, and somehow there’s still a hint of fear or worry that he won’t like the decision you have had to make.

You’ve been clear now, from now on you don’t need to reply any further on this subject

You know all the crap he’s pulling with you? The bullish behaviour, not taking your word, riding roughshod over your boundaries? That’s because he’s a vile narcissist - even going as far as to punish the boys for all this by not taking their calls.

You need to basically disengage and if you do have to be in contact, just be narc right back at him. Don’t listen, don’t reason, don’t explain. Use as few words as possible so there’s no engagement or anything for him to hook onto

Ultimately the contact is for the benefit of the boys

He’s of no benefit to anyone so don’t chase him for contact or FaceTime etc, leave him to it. He’s a nasty spiteful vindictive little man, they make appalling parents.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 12:30

MzHz. You are spot on. Ots so hard as you just want to do whata right for the kids. I am fully expecting him to turn up at 3pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 12:49

His response.

My email is clear. The government guide lines you are hiding behind are not to prevent children from seeing their parents, it is yourself deciding to take that course of action. There is absolutely no issue with the children being with myself.
If you remain fixed in your position of ignoring the court order, refusing to discuss the matter and/or not agreeing an alternative arrangement then I will be force to take the issue back to court.

How would you reply?

OP posts:
CarlaH · 19/03/2020 12:53

"Go on then"

supercee · 19/03/2020 12:53

'I have discussed it. I have offered alternative arrangements. Crack on with court'.

CathedralSpire · 19/03/2020 12:55

What else does he want to discuss?? You have been discussing it, he isn’t listening.

Rinse and repeat:
14 days isolation
Will not answer door/ will call police
Take it to court if you like
In the meantime contact them via FaceTime / connect for Fifa / set them some home schooling.

Have you offered 14 days afterwards?