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Covid

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Original poster

Covid-19 and a very difficult ex husband

222 replies

Standinguptononsense · 18/03/2020 15:31

Hi all,

I am hoping for some advice and appreciate these are difficult times and you may not know the answer but opinions would be welcome.

I have a CO with my ex husband. We split the nights 8/6 in my favour. Shared holiday. The order is clear on split of time week to week.

Yesterday my now husband developed a cough so as well guidelines we are as a family self isolating. Including my 2 children with my ex. This is obviously not ideal.

He is saying whilst they are not at school we should be splitting the time 50 50. I am working from home / home schooling at the moment. I have said these 14 days are no contact with anyone and he disagrees he says its guidelines not law. He has a nan with respiratory problems. His parents came back from spain sunday and his sister is 5 months pregnant. He would see them. He thinks all this doesnt apply to him. Hes invincible.

So what would you do in these circumstances he is saying I am purposely restricting their time with their father. As if I really have a choice.

If I let them go to him, am I part of the problem in terms of spreading the disease?

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:

Dervel · 18/03/2020 16:54

Can’t you just make up the contact later?

Batmanandbobbin · 18/03/2020 16:58

Urgh!! I feel for you... I’ve just had a very similar conversation with a difficult exP and I only called to give him a theoretical situation re corona. He lives with his 80+ mum and dad and he’s regularly in hospital with his asthma. Nahhh he’s having dc whatever because that’s his kid

Icecreamdiva · 18/03/2020 16:58

I agree that using the word family to describe your DH and his children might be seen as antagonistic. I’d follow @BanjoStarz advice and substitute the word household in future messages

That being said, I think if he persisted I’d call his bluff and and let them go. Tell that if it proves difficult with his family it will be fine to bring them back early. He might then discover that they aren’t quite as free and easy with their health as he is.

CSIblonde · 18/03/2020 16:59

Is he mad? Or just thick. Tell him a huge temporary mortuary tent went up today in London, that should concentrate his mind. Pics on Daily Fail site if he doesn't believe you.

ScreamingLadySutch · 18/03/2020 17:07

"I’d stop using the word family and change it to household.

Less emotive for him."

That is so thoughtful and empathetic, @BanjoStarz.

I have to admit that even though I don't react, it hurts hearing my (adult) children call ExH and his wildly unsuitable new supply 'home' ... whilst I have been airbrushed out of the picture (narcissists always win)

damnthatanxiety · 18/03/2020 17:15

ScreamingLadySutch no, narcissists rarely win. But they cause a lot of destruction.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/03/2020 17:20

Honestly, you've made your very reasonable position extremely clear. I'd ignore any future emails and (if old enough) I'd have the DC answering any calls from him.

But I'd keep all emails and voice/test messages in case he tries to start any legal shit.

I love his attempts to get you to 'admit that you're keeping the DC from him' so he'll have 'evidence'. And I'd love to see him file for an emergency order using it as evidence. He'd be laughed out of court.

champagneandfromage50 · 18/03/2020 17:20

you have advised him of the situation, tell him that you will be in touch at the end of the 14 days and ignore his emails

Ellie56 · 18/03/2020 17:26

It is twats like him that will make the situation much worse than it should be.

Original poster

Standinguptononsense · 18/03/2020 18:44

Sorry just be clear as a couple of you raised it. We called him....and he ignored it. I then messaged him and asked when he was free to speak to them.

Fair enough on your point around family. It was intentional but I get it. Thank you x

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 19/03/2020 01:54

DO NOT let your boys go to him. He is a dangerous, narcissistic twat who would deliberately put his own children in danger of getting a potentially fatal virus just to score a point over you.

He won't be able to get the police or bailiffs to go to take them to him (if he threatens this). If anyone arrives on your doorstep, tell them to stay well back as you have a fever and cough and you are all self isolating.

Let him take you to court.
I would bet the farm (if I had a farm) that within a week all courts will be closed.

Keep all his emails and all texts too. Also keep a log of all attempts by you to contact him and obv all failures by him to answer calls, skype calls, facetime or whatever else you put in place.

narcissists rarely win. But they cause a lot of destruction
That's a win then.
Nobody escapes unscathed from a narcissist.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2020 01:59

@Windyatthebeach - same sort of ex here. He wouldn't believe that any of the DCs were ill. It was me making up any excuse to keep them from him and interfere with his rights, according to him.

When my youngest turned 18 I was tempted to turn cartwheels.

ButtonandPickle19 · 19/03/2020 03:33

He sounds like a man who has had to fight to see his kids - we don’t know if OP has restricted contact before making him nervous of her motives.

However - he is totally being unreasonable in this situation. You need to isolate for 2 weeks and that’s just the way it is. Maybe once your two weeks are over, if he’s showing no symptoms then they can spend 2 weeks with him?

Lofari · 19/03/2020 03:44

Wonder if he thinks you created this virus just to spite him.......lord above, some people really are thick.
Stick to your guns OP you know you're in the right

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 19/03/2020 04:03

Good luck if he wants to take it to
Court. I understand they’re closing down for all but emergency hearings.

Lizadork · 19/03/2020 04:31

Child contact orders and corona virus
If you have a contact order for your former partner to spend time with your child and if you are the following categories, this advice is for you.

Your child is vulnerable
You are pregnant
You are vulnerable due to disability.
Your child has a cough or a fever
You have a cough or a fever
You are in another group which has been advised to isolate by the Government or the NHS.

Government, or medical advice overrides a Court contact order and you must follow that advice. That mans that a child should not be sent on contact visits in the above situations, for the advised period.

You must advise he other parent in writing of the reason why contact cannot go ahead. It would be wise to put other contact in place and to make clear that you are doing so, such as facetime, Skype, or telephone calls.

Please remember that your child's other parent may be worried and keep them updated.

The Court will not punish you for taking these steps to protect the child, or other family members, provided that you behave reasonably.

If your child does not live with you and you have a contact order please prioritise the child's well being and remember that the other parent is doing their best in a worrying situation.

Contact can be resumed once this settles down.

Stolen from facebook but still great advise

Lizadork · 19/03/2020 04:33

Sorry for errors

Means* not man
the* not he

mathanxiety · 19/03/2020 04:41

ButtonandPickle19, no he doesn't.

He sounds like a complete jerk who won't just leave his ex wife alone and seizes every opportunity to get her attention. God forbid that a national health emergency should distract her from him.

Narcissists don't feel completely alive unless they have attention, also known as 'supply'. Causing others to fear you is a great way to get 'supply'.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2020 04:42

...who won't just leave his ex wife alone despite the fact that they are separated/divorced

HoppingPavlova · 19/03/2020 05:29

Saw something on this in a national paper here today or yesterday. Am not in UK but seems this is becoming an issue everywhere. The advice was to take necessary precautions and implement self-isolating when required. To prevent people using as an excuse to withhold access it was suggested that when it was communicated that there was a need to isolate the offer was made to add lost time on to the other parent when the risk was over. This was essentially to make sure it was genuine as there was then no benefit to withholding the access as it would be remediate later. It was also advised to do this in writing in case it was brought up later as a witholding access issue when the courts resumed for standard matters. If the offer was made and reasonable (I.e not offering it for when it’s known the other person couldn’t reasonably take it up) then it wouldn’t be looked at in this context.

Mlou32 · 19/03/2020 05:29

He sounds like a bloody idiot. You've sent him that message. End of conversation. Stop replying and turn your phone on silent or block him for the time being. Block any emails for the next 14 days. He will look a right fool in court.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 19/03/2020 05:30

One thing you haven't done though is to offer to let your ex have them for 12 days after the 14-day isolation period (as a PP suggested).

You need to ensure you are keeping your DC safe but you also need to be fair regarding his contact with them.

ivykaty44 · 19/03/2020 05:34

Tell him to take it to court if he’s not happy

But really, if he wants it let them go, the others are not your responsibility

Myohmy111 · 19/03/2020 05:50

Of course you have no choice in the matter; the kids need to remain with you. But imagine if he had developed a cough whilst the kids were with him. You would no doubt be very disappointed about not seeing them for two weeks and with little notice. This is an unprecedented situation with so much uncertainty so lets at least acknowledge why he’s so frustrated without simply writing him off as an idiot. I do agree , though, that the way that he is dealing with his disappointment is unhelpful and counterproductive.

Original poster

Standinguptononsense · 19/03/2020 06:58

This is very typical of him. I have never tried to restrict contact. The order has been in place for 4 years now. He took me to court as he wanted full custody at the time with me seeing them limtedntime despite at the time me being a sahm. He has a lot of contact, speaks to boys in the week when they are with me, even though he sees them monday am and Thursday pm. In fact its really the other way round, for my bday last year inwas allowed 4 hours contact as it fell on his weekend.

If you read my previous thread hes taken me back to court over who takes them to the dentist, drs, who gets there feet measured etc.

He wants to control. He is a full on narcissist and is intent on disruption and getting to me at any means. He hasn't once asked If the boys are actually ok.

OP posts:

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