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Original poster

Covid-19 and a very difficult ex husband

222 replies

Standinguptononsense · 18/03/2020 15:31

Hi all,

I am hoping for some advice and appreciate these are difficult times and you may not know the answer but opinions would be welcome.

I have a CO with my ex husband. We split the nights 8/6 in my favour. Shared holiday. The order is clear on split of time week to week.

Yesterday my now husband developed a cough so as well guidelines we are as a family self isolating. Including my 2 children with my ex. This is obviously not ideal.

He is saying whilst they are not at school we should be splitting the time 50 50. I am working from home / home schooling at the moment. I have said these 14 days are no contact with anyone and he disagrees he says its guidelines not law. He has a nan with respiratory problems. His parents came back from spain sunday and his sister is 5 months pregnant. He would see them. He thinks all this doesnt apply to him. Hes invincible.

So what would you do in these circumstances he is saying I am purposely restricting their time with their father. As if I really have a choice.

If I let them go to him, am I part of the problem in terms of spreading the disease?

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 20/03/2020 17:26

Poppin - I agree. But what can i realistically do..

Sorry if you thought my comments were directed at you. They were meant for the poster who asked the question.

You can only do what you think is best for the children and that isn't always what is ideal. If there is any justice, they will realise what he is like as they get older and go NC with him.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 17:35

I didnt take offence. It's a difficult situation but like my brother said I shouldn't be criminalised for trying to follow the guidelines and protect us and others.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 20/03/2020 18:06

I shouldn't be criminalised for trying to follow the guidelines and protect us and others.

I cannot imagine any judge criticising you for this. You need to change how you think about your ex and his opinions. Some people will keep battering you with their point of view so long that you start to doubt yourself. Don't allow him to do that to you.

You need to practice the grey rock technique. Respond the very minimum possible to make contact arrangements. Don't explain yourself or give any weight to his opinion of your decisions. He will always find fault and look for ways to continue his abuse of you.

You are making the right decision for the right reasons. You've done well to disengage recently. Now keep it up.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 18:11

I am. Hes sent another email which I have just ignored.

Hes just spoke to the boys apparently hes off to the pub tonight. This is after boris's announcement that they are closing and the reasons why. He just has no regard for anyone but himself.

I'm reluctant to let him have them at all...

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 18:12

He knows we are in self isolation and asked where the boys had been today!!

OP posts:
SneezyMcSneezeface · 20/03/2020 18:16

Ignore him, ignore is messages, if he comes to your house call the police on him. They won't make your kids go with him,
He should be grateful his kids have somewhere safe to be while he sees if he has Coronavirus, and grateful that he doesn't have to look after the kids while he's ill. Does he not care about infecting them???

Windyatthebeach · 20/03/2020 18:22

Keep all his ridiculous messages op.
Give a judge a laugh if it ever ends up in court....
Hopefully they will lock up the pub with him left in the toilets..

Grin
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 18:35

Clearly not. He is actively putting others at risk with no regard at all. He is not considering the well being of the boys at all.

How is this taking parental responsibility?!!!!

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/03/2020 18:47

Honestly, no contact from now on, monitor all calls and if he’s bad mouthing you, you may find the call accidentally drops ...

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 18:59

This was his last email

I see no issue with myself getting the children back as of Tuesday 31st March. Following this I plan to have them until our agreed handovers during the Easter holidays. I trust during the next week, we can come to an agreement how to arrange the remaining childcare while the children are away from school.
Key points:

You reported our children went into isolation on the Tuesday 17th March

14 day isolation finishes on Tuesday 31st March

The school is closed as of Monday 23rd March

Our children could have easily been isolated between our 2 homes for the 14day period

You have stated you do not wish to plan out the child care while the children are away from school

I've not replied.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 20/03/2020 19:49

I have no words op
.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 20:00

I know. Hes just not fit to be a parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 20:02

Windy - I'm hoping for locked in pub toilets 😂😂

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/03/2020 20:06

He knows we are in self isolation and asked where the boys had been today!!

Sneaky question to try to trick the boys into saying whether or not they'd been out of the house to 'prove' that you've been lying about the isolation.

What a prick.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 20:09

All levels of manipulation going on here....

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 20/03/2020 20:18

Maybe suggests if he produces a document from a judge which overrules the gvt guidelines your dc will be ready on the doorstep....
Fair enough imo

You need to block him for now op.
Your energies are better used elsewhere right now.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 20/03/2020 20:28

To be fair I'm using this as a platform to vent. I'm ok. Boys are ok.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/03/2020 06:37

Well it's clear he doesn't know what the word 'isolation' means if he believes it can be accomplished while shuttling between two homes.

Don't block him. You will need his texts later. Just pay no heed whatsoever. Put them all into some folder.

And vent away. You have lots of support here.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2020 06:42

It's a difficult situation but like my brother said I shouldn't be criminalised for trying to follow the guidelines and protect us and others.

Don't worry, though I know this is very difficult when a narcissist is in full sail. They always seem so calm and confident, the worst sort of bully.
Disregard his threats (but keep them all filed away).

If he tries to tell his sad story of a bad ex wife to a judge he will be laughed out of court.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2020 06:42

It's a difficult situation but like my brother said I shouldn't be criminalised for trying to follow the guidelines and protect us and others.

Sorry, forgot italics.

copycopypaste · 21/03/2020 06:51

Again he's not asked a specific question 'I trust' is him not asking. Just ignore.

If he comes back and says you've not answered, reply with 'I've not answered as you didn't ask me anything'

I used to play a game with myself called 'what's the least amount of words I can reply with' you'd be surprised at how many inane ranty texts from my ex i could simply reply 'ok' with. There's no point replying as he's not going to listen to reason unless it fits in with what he wants.

If he doesn't like it he can take it back to court, but I'm sure a judge will laugh him out for complaining that you are following gov guidelines, especially when he's not.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 21/03/2020 06:56

I like that point about as few words as possible.

I havent replied to anything. The boys are here until 31st and by then who knows what situation we will be in.

I do know one thing though I cant trust him to put the kids first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 22/03/2020 16:46

He is still out and about. Hes not socially distancing, he thinks he is above all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 22/03/2020 19:08

So today he has seen his brother, his folks (who came back from spain last sunday), been to Tesco and hes going to work tomorrow.

OP posts:
MzHz · 22/03/2020 19:14

Well... contact is now suspended indefinitely until he has spent at least 14 days away from others, especially his brother! “If you want to see the kids, you will abide by the government restrictions. You must be in quarantine now for 14 days. I will not be budging on this and if you want to take me to court, go right ahead”

What a monumental twat he is!