30s TTC: The BESH Palace - where the bar never closes, booze is free, the humour is black and babydust is strictly for snorting through a rolled up 20.

[PollyPoo]

Welcome BESHies to the new palais. Plz to come fill it up plz.

For your delight and delectation I have dragged across the bar and the pit. Along with Mitchell (of course) to grant your every wish (but you will probably have to fight Scorps for him first... good luck with that).

I have even brought the Kylie infused absinthe. Now, who will join me in a Blackhole?

So many BESHes to snog that I've run out of chapstick! Gin, thinking of you over this Bad Time. I know the holiday cancellation is not the issue, but it must feel like the final bastard straw

Streme, sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the mo. Am glad you are being proactive, but remember to add being kind to yourself and not demanding too much of yourself. You're still recovering from the lap shock. Find the balance between getting good stuff done and feeling in control and getting angry with yourself for not being superwoman. Although are a super woman I want to come to Brizzle to snuggle my suffering BrizBabes.

Poopyhead - YAY! Am so fucking happy for you! You've been TTC for ages and it's about bloody time you got some good news and I'm so happy that everything is going so, so right for you now. And, having met you, I can confirm that it couldn't happen to a lovelier lady

And I can also confirm that Bangers is neither fat nor looks like Hattie Jacques (a urophile and coprophile, freaky fact fans!). She is offensively beautiful with a mouthwateringly curvy (NOT fat) figure. Her punishment is to be an administrator

Well, I done had the Cryo. It didn't hurt inside my chuffchuff, but gave me fairly evil period pain-esque hurts, which are still ongoing. AND I can't do Teh Secks for a whole MONTH, which means not TTC, of course (am due to Ov on Friday, so bumholes to that). They told me I'd only need a few days off sex when I booked it the lying/useless gits. Also got put on waiting list for laparoscopy (though scared myself shitless last night by foolishly googling 'laparoscopy complications'. I finally decided to tell my Dad about TTC, as we are a really close family and as I keep having lots of stuff done, I can't keep fudging what's going on (for some annoying reason, I keep being sent to a hospital near my folks and they give me lifts, whereas there's another hospital 15 mins away on a direct bus route, which I've moaned about before). He was v supportive and understanding and promises not to keep asking me if I've had any luck each month. He was so understanding and helpful that I feel silly for keeping it from him. Am v lucky to have 2 parents I can talk to about anything.

Sorry to waffle on!

And PS - Cho, thanks for recognising me as the official pervert When the pain wears off, I shall think properly about it.

wittyno to the multiple needles. Am knitting beginner so would be way too confused by that. It's done on 5.5mm circular needles. Is v easy. 20 rows of k1p1, then p1k1 for the moss/seed stitch edging. Middle bits are just knit half the row, purl half the row. In the middle of the blanket you swap over. End up with 4 contrasting blocks and a pretty border, without having to sew or switch needles. Simples!

The only mistake I made was to lose count and mix my knits and purls up. Otherwise it's foolproof.

sexypants what is this Cryo of which you speak? {dum ass emoticon]

Have just had another birth announcement on mobile phone

Not that I am not happy for real life friends

Didn't see Lyra's good news about PapaLyra - SO happy he's turned the corner I had cryo for some cervical erosion. Fun times!

PS I too have large upper arms - or my 'Ma Bacons', as I call them (tell me I'm not the only Viz fan here!). I bloody hate them! I have really thin legs and arms... until the last few inches when they all go reet flabby. It looks properly disproportional

Dressinggown I had missed that somehow, poor poor car crash puppy She is such a gorgeous pup, I hope her beautiful ginormous ears are undamaged? Oh I am having a weep now, it is always the dogs that get me What a shit month you have had

Phone just rang, thought it would be mum with update on dad's op this morning, but no, it was a fucking recorded message bastard thing. Aargghh am on tenterhooks again.

Bastards. I think they should have numbers where you can ring back and abuse someone

Bloody hell, I somehow missed that PapaLyra is having his next op today I hope all will be well and that you get your Mum's call ASAP. Those fucking recorded calls are beyond grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Car Crash Puppy! SOB!

Fantastic...a fully endorsed 'me, me, me' post...ExtremeEgg, I will happily save you the bother of trawling ancient posts...this is how I roll:

I am 38, the boyf is 34.

Started ttc in April 2006..nuffink happened, but I didn't bother doing anything for almost two years due to working full time + postgrad studies taking up my time.

Referred to local hospital fertility consultant in 2008 - all tests clear, but started Clomid anyway - 6 months to no avail. Looking back on it, I wish I had only done 3 months, as there was no reason to think I wasn't ovulating, so a bit of a waste of time really.

Started IUI in Jan 2009 - abandoned due to too many follicles - Octomom potential; Feb 2009 IUI - nada; March I won a baybee, but m/c at 5 weeks . Then huzzah! Natural pregnancy immediately...but missed miscarriage in June at 10 weeks - foetus only measured 8.5 weeks .

Decided to resume IUI in October due to earlier win: October - Abandoned, too many follicles, Nov, Jan, Feb, natural IUI without Clomid...all negatives.

I've just had a hysteroscopy...(I am sure the news of my beautiful cushiony soft pink womb has already reached you )...showed no reason for IF or m/cs.

I am now at the top of the waiting list for IVF hence bamboozling nurses.

...and inhale

Glad your cryo went ok Scorpalina...did they not give you any painkillers to take home? Make sure you ask before you go in for your lap, or they probably wont bother offering them.

I got co-codamol and diclofenac last week so's I could double up if necessary, but tbh, I didn't really need them, but it's good to have a stash innit...(ClarkyCat, anyone?)

Bloody hell cho when you see it all written down like that, very on your behalf.

extreme also for you. What a bastard time of it. Poor puppies....

lyra fanks for snuggle snorkle praise. Now if you'd all like to write a cheque for £50 to laurielou you can get one in the post. Seriously, am glad PapaLyra is strong enough for op today, positive vibes for today & some good news from MamaLyra soon.

Bit belated but can I join the large upper arms gang? Need them to shield my ample bosom. My mum says I have "soft" features. Mum also says my skiny minny sister has an 'ard face & a bell in every tooth

Bollocks... just wrote you an essay Cho and the bloody interweb done stoled it

Revised version:

Don't know how I missed your story. Am to have moaned in your presence.
Don't know how you haven't listed all of the above everytime I moan about a bloody broken fingernail or some such other
You are a Double hard bastard of Gin and Ginger proportions.
You are now my hero
I have placed a curse on all deities for putting you through all of this

Of course the first version was MUCH longer and more dramatic...

Thanks Laurie, but I'm a double hard bastadd most of the time ...and the rest of the time I just come here to stir up some sympathy...you'll know because I'll put in an order for a snuggle snorkle...yeeks!

Cho . Didn't know. What a bloody bloody cruel hand.

Without wishing to sounds like an utter creep, some of you lot are amazing and I admire you lots.

Also at the puppy incident.

Mum called; Dad is awake, he called her, but the procedure was not a success - he has a biliary stricture which they can't get through. More news later as to next steps. Going for afternoon snooze now.

I'm not forking out £50 for a snuggle snorkel, so you will all have to take a deep breath as I press you to my pitiful buzwams

Enjoy your nap Lycra Sorry Pops op wasn't successful. Keep us posted and we'll keep things crossed in the meantime xxx

Lyra...maybe we'll have a whip round for the Snuggle snorkle

God, they are putting your poor Da through the mill ...let's hope they can try a different approach...he must be exhausted.

Cheers, Extreme...well, we all have our crosses to bear, and you just have to get on with it...it helps if you are anOveroptimisticNoddyHead rational, and focus on the stats etc...that is until you come into the palace and start howling at the moon during the wooofl!

Just popping out for a meeting...hoping nurses will ring me back - just called to say "last week you promised someone would call on Monday", and reception saying, "oh we are busy...might not be til the end of the week", and me saying "do you remember the bit where I said I needed to come in tomorrow if I am to start treatment this month?? well that's before the end of the week!!" Grr..give me strength yada yada...

Lyra, so sorry to hear the bad news; hope they can do summat else and soon. PapaLyra is a triple hard bastard! I think what's he's been through puts everything into perspective. If only he knew he has his own fan club, all wishing him back to full health

(

Chochi I am amazed and humbled every time I hear your ttc story. Good luck at bossing the nurses into giving you an appt asap.

Streme car crash puppy?! How did I miss that? Poor little darling. And poor you - 5 weeks away from home with other peoples dogs is too long! Really hope your folks get home soon and you can catch up on MamHugs.

Scorps hope you are recovering ok from nasty cryo. The thought of it makes me grimace and cross legs.

Aries most of my cornish mates are living between Newquay and Wadebridge, so hoping to be close to them. Depends on where TG ends up working though - if he's in Ex or Plym, then we'll probably end up on Bodmin Moor somewhere... Brown Willy anyone? Can you tell me where you are? Or hint?

Lyra sorry your dad's op didn't go as well as hoped, but I really hope he is on the mend now. Big squeeze to you.

PS I didn't mean to imply that I thought Cho actually has an anchor tattoo!
PPS Fanks, Pol. Is still v hurty. Am still really pissed off I was told when booking it that would only have to refrain from sex for 'a few days'. Erm, that's quite a lot different from a month, isn't it? TWATS!

Polpot we are v v v far west. But have some good mates up in Newquay so in the winter at least are up there often. Can you tell how far west? By my use of the words "up" in Newquay? Brown Willy - fnar fnar! Have you been up it?

Scorpie* - am loving your BESH icon image

Oh cunting fuckbungers! Nurses not got back to me...they will all be down the boozer on the white wine spritzers by now, so looks like no IVF for me this month...and doubleplus annoying cos we had no swi this month due to wombular interference last week (I totally feel ya, ScorpyDoo). Shee-iiii (don't know how to spell that!)

So, chances are if I start IVF next month I won't be able to go away at start of June, oh AND my post war dried eggs will be all the more dessicated.

Ho hum, but wont March be a lovely month to bring my IVFtw1nzzzzzzOMG!11!LOL11. Also, it would be extremely good for the mental health to be thoroughly diffed by the time mmc anniversary comes around.

Anyhoo, first night in at home since last Thursday, so chillin' wit my shortie...and finally, the first night off the booze for prolly two weeks! Relaxing and lazy...yaarr!

Cho, seeing as we've both got a TTC-holiday (not quite as funky as a Dreadlock Holiday, I'll grant you, but...), let us be MarchBaybee-pals! Mmmm, catchy name!

Meh, am bored of feeling crampy and wibbly now. Why is there nowhere I can order naked men painted gold to serve my every whim*? I'm taking that idea to my bank manager to get a small business loan - have clearly spotted a much-needed niche in the market. Also, would it be wrong to place a £40 Ocado delivery consisting solely of POM juice, goat's cheese and (gluten-free) sausages? I farkin love sausages (insert own Kenneth Williams impression here)

*Mainly passing me yet more crappy mags and tell me I'm not fat. Oh, and doing the washing up. Bollocks.

Oh Cho that is just shite. Don't they understand that while they sit around reading Reveal magazine, our ancient eggs are breaking? It's so frustrating that the wheels of the NHS grind soooo slooowly. I've somehow had to wait 3 months just for an initial gynae appt. I keep wasting eggs too, by being in the hossy whilst Him Outdoors is up here.

Tell you what though, it's fuckin scary when those NHS bods spring into action, like with LyraPops last week, coz then there's no mistaking it's a real live emergency.

I'm off to watch last night's Glee too, in the hope it will cure this stinking cold. See ya BESHes.