"Why don't you stop trying and see what happens,"

[Skybooks]

A line I've heard a few too many times from a friend recently.

Background.

1 DS4 1 MMC 13weeks, 18momths of TTC and a MC at 6 weeks.

Now we probably are going to stop trying soon, but anyone that has TTC for a while how do I do this magic stop trying and just see if I fall pregnant???

This is the sort of thing someone who has never experienced difficulty conceiving says. It's meant to be helpful I guess but isnt really.
I think really she means take a break and try to have a few months not thinking about conceiving. I understand how all consuming it can be and upsetting every time your period comes.

I think there might be some truth in it. I was so unbelievably stressed ttc my first. Charts and temperatures everywhere. Tears every month when af came. Took two years.
Second time round we weren’t actively trying just stopped using contraceptives. Wasn’t ready for another baby but thought it might take bloody ages again. What happened 2 weeks later?

I hope you get pg soon. Even if you wanted to try the “not trying” theory though, how would you get your head into that space? I know how all consuming it is ttc. I don’t think “not trying” when you are actually trying would work!
Have you had the usual tests done? Best of luck x

I don’t understand how you’re meant to shift your mindset to suddenly stop thinking about it when it’s all you think about 🤷🏻‍♀️

I try to avoid giving it as advice on here, but sometimes you can really feel the stress coming off the post when someone is temping, doing multiple OPKs, taking a billion supplements, keeping their hips elevated etc. Not suggesting that's your case though.

In those cases I sometimes wonder, are you harming your chances by allowing it to be all consuming. Time and time again I see people fall pregnant as soon as they stop stressing themselves out, likewise there are people who need to feel like they're doing everything they can to TTC in order to stay relaxed. It is important to do what feels right to you, but stress definitely seems to play a factor.

So I can definitely understand why someone says it, and that it does come from a good place even if it isn't necessarily overly helpful.

It's also incredibly difficult. Like you said, you'd have to force yourself to be distracted by something else. Take up a hobby or something that you can use to draw focus away. Then you keep DTD for fun without contraception and see what happens. But you've got to genuinely put it on the back burner to have the desired relaxed effect, which is much easier said than done of course.

Having said all that, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how difficult they must have been. I wish you luck for the future and fingers crossed that this one is the cycle for you 🤞

I've got to be honest, both times I have fallen pregnant where when we 'stopped trying'. I had gotten quite fixated on OPKs and tracking etc and maybe the stress had been getting to me idk. Good luck op, I know how hard it is xx

You can’t simply stop trying and see what happens unless you decide you don’t want to conceive anymore. It’s a ridiculous thing to say to someone who is clearly desperate to fall pregnant.

Hate to say it but was true for me too, (2yrs ttc inc mmc and d&c with complications) it was when I finally accepted it might not happen for us and stopped frantically cycle tracking that it did actually happen for us!

There is truth in this, it's anecdotal but many couples accidentally conceive when they have given up hope. Happened to dp's family

@Brieminewine and @okiedokieme but you had come to the place where you had accepted that it might not happen, and (kind of) given up. I think that’s different to having a few months off or ‘just seeing what happens’.

I hated that phrase. Me relaxing doesn't suddenly make my ovaries work. They never did and they won't just because I decide to relax. I need ivf to get an ovulation, nothing else works. Sure, for some people relaxing might just coincide with getting pregnant, but that is just accidental.

@BasinHaircut I think when people say stop trying they're referring to the difference between actively trying to conceive and passively trying to conceive.

If it's passive then you're just not using contraception and seeing if you fall pregnant or not. You're probably not giving it any thought day to day and the first you'll know about it is when you miss your period.

If you're actively trying to conceive then you could be doing lots and lots of different things as well as not using contraception. For some that seems to really overshadow the process, produce a lot of stress, and then potentially harm the process as a result. As a PP said, it's purely anecdotal, but it seems like as soon as the stress/pressure lifts lots of people go on to conceive in that cycle.

I get that it seems like daft advice on the face of it and is probably very painful to hear for those whole are struggling or have infertility issues. But it tends to come for a place of caring.